So I have come to see the Saudi Arabian royal family as kind of the Santa Clauses of the geopolitical stage. No matter how much our western governments tout caring about human rights, women rights, being against war crimes, and arrest people for hate speech, they never fail to bend the knee or pucker up to kiss this family's ass. So I figured I'd throw my hat in the ring and write a dear Santa/wish list style letter to the Saudi royal family to see if I can get some things I want.
DEAR KING SALMAN:
Sally, baby, booby... I'm afraid unlike others you like here in the west I haven't been very good this year. But like most it won't stop me asking for some things I want. I noticed that in your country a lot of things I don't understand will get one into trouble so I thought maybe I'd ask for some rule changes... Yes I know you like to give the traditional air support or bombing raid on innocent civilians, put women to death, and executing people who are gay, give money to presidential candidates like Hillary or good old Barry, etc... but I guess unlike most westerners you give gifts to my request are much cheaper and nowhere near as glitzy as fighter jet favors, favorable oil deals, or even glamorous gold. Just some simple changes.
WOMEN'S RIGHTS:
SALLY SALLY SALMAN...Women being women is great thing. Not to mention that often they can bring organisation to things that most men are helpless at. Hell they even do things we like to pride ourselves on better. Now I've noticed you have allowed women to drive which is great and of course a step in the right direction... driving is a pain in the ass and anytime a woman wants to do it I'm always happy to toss her the keys. But this whole restrictive attitude of jailing women for speaking out, showing their hair, and not allowing them out without a chaperone is a bit much... Don't you think?
I noticed that when we had women's marches up in London none seemed to interested in bringing these things to your attention outside your embassy. Don't worry though, like old Georgey W your new buddy the Don was taking the heat. But I figured I'd outline maybe relaxing a bit and ask if you perhaps give women more rights and you know.... less big fuckin rocks to the head treatment. I know feminist today leave this detail out for the most part so I'm putting it on my wish list.
GAY RIGHTS:
Sally bin booby, don't you think maybe this whole putting gays to death is indicating that maybe there are some repressed issues you need to address? I know you've been to London and met the Queen but have you met London Queens? Their great. Awesome restaurants, amazing artists and musicians, hell even the drag queens of Soho are awesome for a night out. I'm straight and even manage to have great nights out when out with friends in good old swinging Soho.
Despite what you believe their not going to grope you or be hostile. I think after a couple dinner parties, maybe grabbing some cabaret in the West End, and a night of great cocktails at one of Londons wonderful Soho bars you may change your mind. Hell, bring your son along. He could completely change and decide it's the way to go. I have done a couple mock ups to show you both how beautiful you cuold look if you explored a little.
Either way, even if you don't decide to live a little... Let up on gays in your country? I mean with that gold and flare you guys seem so fond of in your decor you're already camper than Christmas and the Catholic church combined. This is my second request.
YEMEN:
Look I know this is one thing I'm asking for that I may not get. I know you promised little Sal a genocide for his 30th birthday but.... Don't you think it's all a bit excessive/evil? I mean I know what qualifies as good to you may not meet what I call good and I do try and understand other cultures.... but.. Well maybe you should talk to your kid about the responsible use of fighter jets and armies? I mean when my Dad gave me my first firearm I got the talk about responsible gun ownership. It's a great practice to have.
Now I know that family discussions can be rather tricky and sometimes people in your family lose their heads.... literally. But good communication is so important. And of course not giving your kids everything they want is as well. But on behalf of the 11 million innocent people that will be killed by your inability to say no to your children I have to humbly ask that perhaps you dial it back a bit? Money, jets, guns, and genocide are no substitute for good parenting. So leaving Yemen alone is the last thing I'm putting on my wish list.
I know all of this seems like a lot Big Sal. I know I haven't been a very good boy by even asking it. But unlike Hillary the defender of women's rights I don't want campaign money. Unlike the big B Oboom Bama I don't want campaign money, gifts, or military support or favor, unlike the Donald I don't want to hang out with you and caress glowing balls....(Seriously revisit that dealing with repressed thing I brought up Sally baby. You look like you're experiencing some undealt with feelings in the picture below. It's ok if balls arouse you. For some it's perfectly natural. No one is going to choppy choppy you for it.) All I want are these three simple little changes. Sally baby, is it really to much to ask? I mean I know I haven't been good by your standards. I haven't advocated violence, targeted and killed people for their gender, race, or sexuality, etc. I'm afraid I can't do that. But like other westerners you've met... I'm still asking.
Well guys that's the end of my wish list for the ruler of Saudi Arabia. I guess it's my tongue and cheek way of looking at the horrible and metabolizing it with humor. Thanks for reading and keep on steeming.
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