During my life, I have made the same mistake many times, it was a constant pattern when I wanted to save someone at any cost. It was a subconscious decision, and only later I became aware that no one could be saved by someone, we can only save ourselves. But somehow I've always been in this role.
I had a lot of relationships with men with deep emotional injuries and I supported their dreams and made their lives comfortable. The same thing happened with my family, I volunteered and tried taking the weight off their shoulders by always being day and night when they needed me, even when I was hurting myself. Until one day someone said: You can not save a person who does not want to save himself.
It was then when I hit the breaks and stopped. Nevertheless, I made this mistake once again. Once again I tried to make a miracle happen with a man who was happy with his limiting beliefs. He victimized himself because of his past and wasn’t open to change. So I pushed to open the doors for him, but I failed because it wasn’t my job to do.
This is when I had enough. Where was I at this point? Who dealt with me? Why didn’t I respect myself? Why wasn’t it important what I wanted to do? Why did I get stuck in something I did not enjoy?
Maybe that's why I became a coach? I no longer try to save anyone because I know it can not be done. But I've learned to help find the way for those who are ready to save themselves. I don’t know what a good road is for others, when they are ready and how often they will need to adjust the path. But I distanced myself from the responsibility to find answers to these questions. It’s not my job to answer them. I do not feel like a failure if someone is slowing down or stops or doesn’t even start because I can only show people how to find their own paths. But they have to start walking and carry on the whole way.
I used to feel guilty when I did not sacrifice myself for someone. Now I feel that guilt is a feeling that does not serve me with any benefits, so I eliminated it. It does not teach anything to me, so I do not need it. And if I try to help someone at the expense of me, nobody wins. That's why I learned to say no and exclude certain stimuli.
I’m okay now to go overboard from time to time because learning is part of experiencing the boundaries. My own limits. Do I make mistakes? Of course. But a mistake is not an enemy, it's a friend. A teacher. Until I find the golden middle, I must experiment and be brave enough to make mistakes.
Today what I'm trying to avoid is an error on the expense of me. If my energies are high, positive, balanced, and I radiate happiness, that already helps others in itself. In addition, I can basically do a better job in any field.
If I'm low, I have to fix myself first. According to my value system, I come first and accordingly I manage the stimuli, the people, the programs and the list of priorities.
