As I turn away from the gate, I press my earphones in. Satisfied they are secure, I pull my hoodie over. It is late but not too late at night; it is why I always leave around 9 pm when visiting her.
I always said it was because it was not as early as 8 and not as late as 10 - which is true. It is a little sweet spot in the evening I have discovered that suits me perfectly.
A dark figure in the night, head covered and music playing - my mind is not absent of thoughts as I head home. It is on average a 20 min walk free of modern distractions.
R
elaxing on your bed you text him, "What time will you be coming?" It is already past the usual time and you know he has finished work already. The walk from there to you is only 20 min, so why is he always so late these days?
"Are you still coming?"
You send a message again, there is not much else he ever responds to. It has been getting worse and worse every week. He always came as early as possible so that even if he left at 9, it felt like you spent the whole day together, which made him still leaving early not seem quite that bad.
"Open."
You read his text, checking the time you realise it is 30 min after your message and just says, "Open." That upsets you but at least he is here now.
You go to open the gate for him, watching him as it slides down the track. Even from a distance, you can see that he does not look happy to see you. You wait for him as he makes his way down the driveway. He opens the gate between the wall surrounding the property and the garage, before he even gets to properly close it you excitedly show him your nails.
"Look I did it myself!"
He grudgingly answers "That is nice," and walks right past you to the stupid plant on the porch which to all indication seems to be dead, but he waters it every time, anyway.
Why can't he pay that much attention to you?
Y
ou head inside to place the key on the table then go to sit on the couch and continue to watch your show. You hope he will come to sit by you. You look towards the door with a smile but mostly to see his expression as he comes inside. His expression is almost the only indication you have of his mood and it seems to always be one of dissatisfaction.
He does the usual routine, pauses for a sec to allow your mother to say hello first then just responds flatly "Hi Aunty." She then replies with "How are you?" and gets a very fast response of "Good Good," from him. He never follows up to ask how they are, but you know it is because he thinks he knows how everyone is. For him, nothing can possibly be different if you sit at home all day and you don't think he would care, even if that was not the case.
You watch him in the corner of your eye, feigning interest in whatever show is playing; he goes to sit on the couch opposite and you notice he does not even glance in your direction as he sits down to watch tv.
You decide to not go sit by him and instead just watch the show. Maybe he will come to sit by you soon, but why did he not come to sit by you at the very least? He has not smiled once since seeing you. He did not even pretend to care about your nails, and you think he came late on purpose. You don't even know why he is always so late the past couple of months, and it is getting worse.
W
atching the show, you see he has no intention of getting up or even glancing your way. If he at least looked at you, maybe you could initiate talking or feel free to go sit by him. Tonight seems worse than all the days before. He somehow has closed you off completely, not leaving any room for you to feel like you can just go sit there. You feel pushed away.
He has not even visited in almost a week. Is it because your parents are moving to a new town and after 6 years together you will now be going to stay with him? He said "No," to moving to any places he can't afford by himself. It makes sense now that he explained it although very rudely; he can't rely on your parents to give him the money to pay your part. Your dad's work will be closing down and they won't be able to pay this house's rent either.
He did say you can live by him if they move, but he also asked why you don't just go with them to the city and get a job there. He has been very adamant about you getting a job recently, that has also been a more recent development over the past few months, the insistence to get a job even though your parents don't mind you not working.
You decide to not go sit by him and instead go to your room. Taking your phone, you lay down and scroll through Facebook. You like the funny pages you follow and always share a few of the best ones. The usual people like them but unless you tell him to go look he does not go on Facebook. Even when he does you don't think he looks at any of the things you share.
He barely messages during the day unless you ask him something. You only get good mornings and good nights and sometimes even without the good. These might not be big differences but they are differences he has taught you to acknowledge, because when he was different these were all things he would notice.
Now he acts as though he can't be bothered with anything you do. Telling him the other night that you were chatting with some guy and might go for coffee only got "Enjoy," as a response. Placing the phone down on the side table, you lay on your side and just close your eyes, not sleeping but just laying there appreciating the comfort of the blanket over you.
T
he evening progressed along the same lines; he barely speaks unless spoken to and if spoken to the answers are blunt. Almost rude.
You know he hates when your mom insists on setting the table for dinner. You hear an audible sigh as he heard that they might want to do that, instead your mom decides that everyone can just eat where they want. You don't want to go sit on the couch by him; you will make him come to you or at least sit by them where you don't feel unwanted.
He eats fast as usual and after some patient waiting is told he can go back to watching tv, instead he goes for a smoke. Seeing they are still eating, he watches tv. Still not even looking your way at any point, always looking off to the side or somewhere else.
A
fter everyone has finished and you start clearing the table as is routine, he gets up to help. Passing each other in the kitchen area, you smile at him and look to where his eyes should have been but somehow he passes you as though in a hurry to place the tablecloth in the basket.
Going back to your room and just laying down, eyes closed, he does not follow. Normally, this would be when he comes to lie next to you even just to sleep. He usually can't just lie in bed awake and is always tired, but then at least he is with you in bed and you get to cuddle up to him.
"Come open."
It is 9pm but it is a Friday, why does he want to still leave so early on weekends. He used to stay later on the weekends, when you got to spend even more time together and tomorrow he gets off at 1 pm. Last weekend he did not even come over the whole weekend, not saying why, just that he was not. You have noticed he only comes over at times if he needs to bring something that you might need, or to bring money so you can get it yourself.
Looking up at him with a smile, you ask, "Are you not even going to come and cuddle?"
"No."
You sigh and briefly pause, then get out of bed to open for him to leave. Reaching the side gate from where the remote works, you open the main gate. He gives you a one-armed hug and opens the side gate quickly to leave. You always watch as he leaves. As the gate closes behind him, you notice again that he did not even turn back to wave goodbye. He just leaves.
A
s I walk home listening to a new band recently discovered, my thoughts drown out the music... I know she must feel bad. It makes me feel like shit having to be so cruel, but right now I can't think of any other way to deal with the situation - "... she's the tear in my heart, I'm alive..." - I need to stick to my resolve and force her hand. I may owe her parents for allowing me to stay there at one time, but I no longer feel I owe that debt, do I? I can't pay by having someone living with me who has no intention of learning to look after herself, should I?
Work is important; it teaches you what is required to sustain a lifestyle. Being able to buy your own things makes you independent of others and will help her to hopefully stop waiting for some valiant hero.
I wonder though, those are the reasons for her wellbeing, but this is about me, and I need to decide. At least have her realise that I don't see a future for us. I am not her caretaker; her parents should never have allowed her to live at home with no expectation of her. I should never have stayed with her all these years and accepted that she wished to do nothing.
"...You're the judge, set me free..." - her parents are moving, and most likely to a place with very little space. If she moves in with me I can help her learn to be more, but how long would that take? I don't even like her. The past couple of months I have moved beyond being able to even tolerate her.
Why can't she see what is happening and just leave me? - "...I know my soul's freezing, hell's hot for good reason..." - No, I am not a caretaker, I need a partner.
Getting home I head to my pc and see what has been happening online, seems these people have their shit together.
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