I decided to write this story in honour of my grandmother. She’s had a very trying, but interesting life at the same time, which is worth documenting and I think maybe it would make her very happy if she knew it’s been put on paper.
She was born in a small village in Slovakia in 1932. I don’t know much about her childhood, but that ’s not what I want to tell you about anyway. What has always fascinated me was her relationship with her late husband, my grandfather, their perfect relationship and legendary love.
I’ve dreamt of having a relationship like they did, and I have just recently found out that it was very far from the perfect marriage everyone thought they had and that was quite a shock for me.
He was just a few years older than her, they met while working at the same company. He was a tall gentleman, always dressed neatly, and she could tell he fancied her by the way he kept looking at her. She liked him from the first time she saw him.
At the beginning they only talked at work, he smiled at her every time he saw her, asked how her day was… but he was on her mind constantly. Then he walked her home after work and he kept telling her how beautiful she was. She had butterflies in her belly when he looked at her and she thought that must have been what love felt like. This went on for a few months, and during this time he was the only thought in her head. Once he kissed her at the gate of her parents’ house, and she felt like she’d faint from all the butterflies inside her. She knew it was time to introduce him to her parents then. Of course, they both loved him straight away, such a gentleman, she couldn’t have wished for a better man.
They got married after a 6-month courtship.
At the beginning they were quite happy, there was nothing wrong with their marriage, or so she thought. Ok, sometimes he lifted his voice when he didn’t approve of something she did, but she thought that wasn’t so bad. She really had nothing to compare this relationship with, only with what her girlfriends told her about theirs, and some of them had it much harder at home.
Things started turning wrong after their first baby (my uncle), which they had a year into their marriage. Her husband started staying out late after work, having drinks with friends. It seemed like every night he came home later than the one before. She was suffering; didn’t he want to spend time with her anymore? Of course, she didn’t let anything out, she acted like their marriage was the happiest ever, and everyone thought how lucky they were. After their second baby came (my other uncle), their relationship started going very much down the hill. He showed her a different side of himself, always being aggressive to her and the kids. He didn’t like to have the boys around, so my grandma put them both in their crib when he was home and she tried to keep them quiet.
Her only support was a common friend they had with her husband. They talked quite often and he was always so nice and attentive to her. He saw under the pretence of her happiness, asked her what was wrong and at the end, my grandma confided in him. She told him how unhappy she was and how she felt like anything she did wasn’t good enough for her husband. She cried a lot that day, but she felt better now that she didn’t have to bear that secret all by herself.
In the meantime, her husband got a new job working for the government thanks to their common friend, who was already working for them. He was doing so well that soon he became a very important person in the Communist Party, which was a big thing at that time. He was very busy, always going to meetings late into the night. He became a well-known, respected leader.
He kept his drinking habit, only his drinking buddies were now more important people. He started thinking he was better than my grandma, he deserved someone prettier and smarter. He even told her a couple of times when he was really drunk that he wouldn’t marry her again. She was suffering, crying when she nursed her babies during the day… Fortunately, she had the friend she confided in to support her, without him she probably would have collapsed a long time ago. She could tell him everything and he listened without judgment.
That was when she became pregnant with her third baby, my father.
She was happy because she thought this baby would change things, maybe he would love her again and be like at the beginning of their marriage, that gentleman she hadn’t seen in him for a few years now.
He was a very busy man though, always attending conferences, even outside the country. He left her alone for days at a time, going to important meetings and communist celebrations in Russia and other member states of the Soviet Union.
The change she hoped for when the third baby came didn’t happen. He barely even noticed his three sons.
She still kept appearances up in front of other people, everyone still thought he was a really good man and a great husband. Everyone except her good friend, who worked for the Communist Party in a senior position as well. He was a great comfort to my grandma.
When my father was three years old, my grandfather got an offer from the Party to go on a week-long holiday at the seaside in Bulgaria. He was really excited about the trip and couldn’t wait to go. My grandma begged him to stay home, not to leave her alone with the kids for so long. He shouted at her, telling her that he could do whatever he wanted and he hit her. He never hit her before so she was shocked and so she didn’t talk to him again, they didn’t even say goodbye before he left.
He called once to say that he’d arrived and everything was fine, but he wasn’t nice to her at all. About 4 days into his holiday the phone rang again. It was their friend on the line, who went to Bulgaria with her husband. He said something she didn’t initially understand, so she asked him to repeat it again and again until she knew she heard correctly. Her husband was dead. He went for a swim and he never came back. They tried to rescue him but he was dead. She didn’t believe him, how could that be? Her husband was such a good swimmer, he couldn’t have drowned if he tried! But they reassured her that he was really dead.
She put the phone back on its hook and sat down on the floor with her head in her hands. At first, she was shocked. What was she going to do? Three children on her own, what’s going to happen to her? But she didn’t cry, she couldn’t for a man like that.
Then she realized that deep inside she felt relieved. He’d never ever wake her up at night again, coming home drunk from another celebration. He’d never shout at her or the kids again, she could bring them up quietly in peace. She made a vow to herself that she’d never marry in her life again. If that was what marriage was about then she didn’t want any of it, thank you very much.
You'll find Part II of the story here
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