Since the moment our mind is developed to think properly, the words Set a goal, Go after the biggest dream, Set your expectation higher start to crave in the soul. Without a proper goal, the thought of stucking in a vast ocean with no way out starts to cripple in the head and find it's way to the core.
Set a goal or be a failure.
Maybe that’s why, being all rebellious, I decided to do the complete opposite. Personally, the setting your expectation higher never went well with me, as this process comes with the higher possibility to have a load of disappointments. You set your expectations high and reached the closest point but failed to achieve the set-out results. What comes next? A lot of self-doubt and disappointment. Hence, I decided to do the opposite, keep the expectation as low as possible, so whatever the results are, it always comes out better than what I anticipated. A win-win situation, and no shame or disappointment to look forward to. Maybe it’s not the ideal way the world expects me to function, but that’s the only way for me to survive. So fuck worlds rule really.
This kind of mindset is why I learned to appreciate the smallest things in life more than the biggest achievements. I don’t like to think about the future, as it gives nothing but anxiety. Don’t wanna think about the past, as it comes with loads of PTSD. So, it's the present filled with smaller things that ended up holding the true meaning of my reality. There are thousands of smallest things that hold the bits and pieces of happiness, but I will probably can’t name them all. The few things that do come to mind are:
Walking on an unfamiliar street, without having any sense of destination, stormy rain with hot coffee, finding the perfect quiet place in a library, books that filled with angst, the sound of cracking leaves, finding the perfect game, solving a puzzle on your own for the first time, beating the final boss of your favorite game, finish writing a poem that you actually like for a change, making people laugh with or without any intention, getting a perfect score on a test, without doing any actual study, finding the perfect song that goes with your current mood, eating the chocolate you always wanted to buy, getting the window seat in a bus ride, finding the perfect spot for a quiet afternoon, singing songs at the top of your lung, without any hesitation or stage fright, shouting fuck you at the top of a mountain, spending a whole night in the coldest balcony, suddenly discovering an old house, driving beside the ocean, seeing the sunset in a lonely afternoon, getting the last piece of bread, An empty train station.
But mostly I love the ten minutes in the darkness, it like a routine ritual I have to perform each night, and watch as the city slowly fall into sleep one by one, the flashing red light at the tallest building works as the reality check, while the darkest shadow of the long lost rooftop sweetly whispers the forbidden words.