WARNING!!! THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN SHIT OR STUFF THAT CAN CAUSE FLASHBACKS, PTSD AND CANCER.
In the news this week we learned that Carey Mulligan (Actress with career earnings in excess of 30 million) who is married to Marcus Mumford (Net worth in excess of 10 million) has never been given free child care when on set. Think of that for a moment. She's doing two jobs here. Being a mother, which is the hardest job in the world. Whilst also acting, which is the hardest job in the world (I don't make this shit up mothers and actors do.). I think this is an absolute disgrace. This whining one percenter deserves as much free stuff as it's possible to give her. Why should she have to sort out her own childcare? That's not what her money was meant for. Why should she have to expend any effort on caring for her children? That's not all though. Now I'm not completely sure about this, I could be wrong, but I don't think the dozens of awards ceremonies she attends every year have free childcare facilities either. I know. Unbelievable isn't it. Honestly I'm loosing all faith. How can we claim to be civilized when a multimillionaire actor, who pretends to do things for a living, actually has to do something for real. Childcare is expensive. Some of these childcarers earn as much as 0.5% of what she does. I know it's tax deductible but that isn't the point. Stop everything else until something is done about this gross injsutice. Let's set up a Gofundme page for this pathetic whining oxygen thief and take even more worry out of her blissfully over privileged life. We all owe it to her. Especially you. Yeah you know who I mean, don't pretend otherwise.
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Grundel was looking at him as though he were insane. It was a distinct possibility Jake was having a schizoid break here. He wanted to run away and hide. The constant bombardment of beautiful people, plus his current presumed sex booth obsession, was undermining his ego. It hadn't been that healthy to begin with. Maybe he was nuts. He'd been putting up with this for far too long. It was time to stamp his feet.
"You do seem to be over emotional yet again." Grundel commented. "Are you still confident you don't need some medication. I've got a patch that will calm your nerves and release all that tension."
Jake composed himself, slightly. That was the best he could do for now.
"I have every right to throw the toys out of my pram."
His guide assumed a deeply puzzled expression.
"Pram? You throw these toy things out of positronic random access memory? What are toys anyway? How do you throw them out of your positronic ram? I don't even think they make positronic ram anymore. Do you need to purchase some? If so we may have a problem."
"I do not need to buy any. The only problem I have is you two."
Oops. Grundel's head swiveled in all directions.
"Two? Oh dear me. Dear, dear me. You're suffering from delusions. That can sometimes happen if you spend an extended period in a virtual reality. You really do need to control yourself Jake. You are causing a scene. While no one will take any notice of this, your aberrant behavior may attract the attention of a Custodian. Please calm down."
Jake glared at his artificial friend.
"I will, but before I do that there is one thing you should know. Be absolutely certain to make a note of this Grundel. Telling anyone to calm down, will not calm them down. It will make the situation worse."
A few deep breaths. Hermes was silent for once. Oh Christ, what was he cooking up now.
"You are delusional though." Grundel insisted "What does this other person look like?"
"What other person." Jake had lost track of his rant.
"You said you were having problems from "you two". When did this other person appear to you?"
Quick Jake you unbelievable twat. Make up something to cover your stupidity.
"Um... Uhhhhhh..." Going well so far. "I uh..." A flash of inspiration, or it could be perspiration. He had to run with it. "It's an expression where I come from. I have an internal dialogue sometimes. You know you do something you feel bad about and you try to rationalize it or whatever. I didn't say or mean the number two. I meant to, as a preposition. Meaning you as well. I've got my conscience bothering me and when you went on about the sex booth I snapped at you. I'm sorry."
His companion looked doubtful.
"So what was it you did that troubled your conscience?"
Oh crap. Time for some more freestyle bullshit while badly constipated.
"I punched a badger in the face. Can't get it out of my head. It sneaked up on me and surprised me. Before I knew what I was doing I lashed out. I could have killed it." Ease up. Ease up. You're going into far too much detail here, Jake thought.
"Oh I see. So what are these toy things that you're throwing?"
Safer ground, although still mind bendingly weird.
"Seriously? You don't... Ahh. There are no children here are there. The haven't been for centuries. Toys are things children, and a few adults, play with. You're supposed to grow out of them."
"Oh yes I see, as you get bigger they no longer fit."
"N.. Yeah that'll do. As long as you don't ask for further clarification we'll call it a day about that. Onward to the bank we go."
The artificial intelligence studied him carefully.
"You know what would really calm you down? Some good old sex. It relaxes me no end. If I'm honest when I was in feminine form I became somewhat of an addict. Those orgasms were something to behold I can tell you."
Quick Jake leap on this passing horse and gallop away from this conversation into another one.
"You were a woman?"
"Yes. Changing your gender is still very popular even today. Back then everyone did it. It's a simple process of changing the Y chromosome to an X, or vice versa. With enough money you can even have sex with yourself."
"Oh he's definitely done that." Hermes announced with a giggle. "Hang on. My sensors have come back online and recalibrated. This fella is an AI in a flesh and blood body. Remember what you promised about getting me a body to have a go on."
This was studiously ignored. Telling Hermes off would get him back into that swamp again.
"Soooo Grundel, why did you change back to the male form?"
"I thought I'd explained." The AI replied. "It was those orgasms. I never got any work done. Too busy..."
Jake cut in immediately. This dialogue was going deeper and deeper into the gutter.
"It's okay. I get the picture. Far more vividly than I'm comfortable with. Having sex with yourself? Not sure I can wrap my head around that one. No need to explain though. Please don't explain. I insist that you don't. No danger of sexually transmitted infection or pregnancy."
"I'm not sure what you mean by infection, but you can get yourself pregnant. Nobody has done so for a very long time as I mentioned. I suppose it's due to the nature of the thing. Do you have the baby as a man or a woman for instance? That can have serious ramifications."
"Say what?" Why couldn't he keep his tiny, thin lipped mouth shut? Now he was heading back into another potential quagmire of misunderstandings and psychological self harm. "It doesn't happen anymore so no need for an explanation. Boy isn't it great to get out into the bustling hubbub of metropolitan life."
Grundel grinned delightedly.
"Hubbub. That's a wonderful word. Hubbub. Hubbub. What does it mean?"
It meant that Jake had lost the plot with that attempt to steer things in a different direction.
"It means noisy and confused." He stated into the near silence of the megapolis.
"This part of the day is rather busy isn't it. At least five people have walked past in the last two minutes."
Saved by a complete lack of understanding.
"We really do need to expand your dictionary don't we Grundel. Especially if we continue to have dealings with one another.There might be other misunderstandings."
They started walking, away from the sex booth, at last.
"You have raised a good point there. A lot of your idioms and words are alien to me. Do you have a current lexicon in your firewave? His tour guide inquired.
That stumped Jake. Who had no idea what was on his firewave. Apart from several hundred illicit Netflix programs.
"We do." Hermes helpfully provided
"We do." Jake echoed. "Let me sort that out for you."
"Already done." His internal voice advised. "No need to thank me. But if you insist I'm not going to put up a fight."
"Thank you... Grundel... for reminding me of my manners."
"I'm not sure I understand what you mean." His host replied.
"That makes two of us." Jake responded. "I'm having another internal dialogue."
"Still worried about that badger?"
"What... Oh yes. Kind of. I think I incommoded some rabbits as well. It was a bad day for wildlife."
"Incommode. Verb. Discommode, disoblige, disturb, inconvenience, put out, trouble. I already knew that one. I've already arranged payment."
"Payment? Who and what? As in who is being paid and for what." He thought that needed clarification.
"I've transferred the funds into your account for the information. I will sell on this information you have given me, through a third party, to the Consensus. They are quite generous with unknown information. Although not as generous as those who create new simulations. Stories, legends, history. There's a market for all of them. Your world for instance, being so backward, has an entirely different history to ours. I've taken the liberty of charging you my usual 15% commission. I have a lot of expenses with all my diverse investments. Things don't always go to plan."
"Don't suppose there's a market for the entire Potato Hunter series is there?"
"No I'm afraid not. Sasquahelenatch is an open book as far as we're concerned. Her franchised series is broadcast all over the threads."
"Boss." Hermes interrupted. "You've got more or less the entire history of your earth on the firewave. I should know I put it there. Along with your thesis and a lot of fantasy novels. These folks have never heard of Harry Potter. Probably don't know anything about magic either. All of it will be new to them."
"Send it." Jake mumbled subvocally forgetting that Grundel had better than perfect hearing. "I mean I'll send you the information I've got that you might be interested in."
"Already sent." Hermes advised again. Despite being a horrific pain in the ass he had his uses.
"Oh my word." Grundel exclaimed. "This is an absolute treasure trove. Your world is both tragic and amusing. Despite your lack of technology, perhaps because of it, you do make a very interesting read. There's far more here than I could have ever wished for. Of course I'll have to sell it bit by bit over time otherwise I'll flood the market. On the strength of this I'll advance you another thousand. I wish it could be more, but eventually it will be. I know exactly who would love to design the simulation for this Trojan War legend. Your ancient Greeks had a wonderful pantheon. Your civilization might be stupid and aggressive but it does possess enormous creativity."
"Yeah but most of it is excuses for behaving badly towards each other."
"Mmm. Slavery? That's a concept we don't have here. Racism? I'd be amused by that if not for the fact it was evil. It's hard to imagine even a primitive culture deluding themselves with that. There may be an internal market for that, but I doubt it." Grundel gave an ironic laugh. "Your world really had a talent for inventing imaginary concepts based on no information or just simply convenient lies. Poor backward, intellectually challenged idiots that they are. I'm sure I've heard rumors that things like this are found in The Never. Not to this extent though. Was everyone suicidally stupid?"
"More or less." Jake had to admit. "Common sense rarely got a look in."
"We're hardly innocent I suppose. Instead of breeding intelligence out we've programmed stupidity in. Here we are."
Jake stared as hard as he could at what he had to assume was the bank.
"All I can see is a wall. It's exactly the same as all the other walls around here. Where's the door, so I can get in."
"Look up." His mentor, and now business partner, suggested."
There above Jake's head was a revolving holographic C symbol. That must stand for credit he guessed. Not that it mattered. All he had to know was that it stood for bank.
"What do I have to do?"
"Step up to the wall."
He did so. Cautiously. That elevator ride had made him a lot more careful with these technological marvels. Some form of privacy screen surrounded him cutting out all sound. A square pane appeared on the wall.
"Please place your hand on the screen and spit into this." The dulcet toned computer voice instructed while a tube extended. Jake did as he'd been told. The system informed him that it valued his custom and was sorry for the delay while the information was processed. The screen flashed the word Malfunction then dissolved. Damn he must have broken it with his ugly retarded spit and DNA. An electronic chime sounded. Oh no. What was this? He'd been rumbled. Security droids would be heading for him now. The screen appeared again and a slightly different voice spoke. "The Wanderer has returned. Welcome Wanderer. Far have you traveled and long have you been on your immram."
"Awww bollocks. All I wanted was some money. Here we go again."
