FIRST A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR : Global Domination Incorporated, rebranded as GLOBADINC (Registered Trademark). We don't discriminate against anyone on the basis of their race, ethnicity, political belief system, gender, sexuality, religion or even their favorite breakfast cereal. We discriminate against everyone equally, because we hate you all. Especially YOU. Yes, you know who you are. If I see you around here again I'm releasing the dogs then calling the police. That sentence has induced a PTSD flashback to a traumatic incident that developed while I was innocently creeping through Amal and George Clooney's back garden at night, with my telescopic lensed infrared camera. I thought those rottweilers were going to maul me to death. Instead they held me down and tried to rape me. That George Clooney is an evil bastard. It's why I love him so much. From afar, because of the multiple restraining orders. To some it might seem hypocritical that I would set my team of, Clooney trained, ManRape (Registered Trademark of Clooney Enterprises.) dogs on a fellow criminal trespasser. That's because it is. Welcome to the real world.
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He came up on deck into the sunlight. Morag was there. A smile on her face and a twinkle in those emerald green eyes. She reminded him of Raven the computer generated consciousness he'd been ruthlessly trained by. Even the meditation had an edge of brutality in her virtual hands. That lady certainly did enjoy a laugh, he thought as he passed her. Heading towards the poop deck. Thanks again Hermes. Doxy was at the wheel hauling on it as the ship turned on a sixpence, or a dime. Idioms were far more complicated, the deeper you delved into them. Compared to earlier the deck was far more orderly. She was ignoring him. Not for any other reason than she was busy. Jake hesitated, would this be a good time for a quick word? Stupid question. They were navigating their way out of the harbor. Obstructions and hazards everywhere. He decided to stay close though. The deck lurched beneath him as a wave caught them broadside.
"Boatswain Pengelly hoist the Jolly Roger." She yelled.
With both her hands occupied and no convenient blunt objects to hand, Jake decided to risk a comment.
"I thought you told me you weren't pirates."
A smirk creased her face.
"We are fully licensed privateers, with all the necessary letters of marque from Harrowmist. Besides, I'm hardly going to be running around Bristol blabbing about what we get up to. As far as The Consensus is concerned we're a cargo vessel and we definitely carry cargo. Some of which might not have originally been ours."
He watched the huge flag fluttering up the main mast. A black background with a deep red emblem on it. A very large breasted woman proudly exhibiting her obvious charms.
"Now is that you or Morag?" He queried. Wittily he thought
That seemed to amuse her greatly. It must have been funnier than he knew. She glanced at him her eyes alive with mischief.
"You tell me who you think it most resembles."
He blushed. He could feel it blooming all over his face.
"I couldn't possibly judge that. I don't know either of you that intimately."
"You've seen me naked." She replied.
"That was only side boob and a hint of nipple." He squirmed uncomfortably. "Then it was only for a split second."
"You may not have noticed, but The Harlot is in profile and a split second is more than long enough for you to have an opinion." Still grinning from ear to ear she faced forward and hollered. "Master Gunner, fire the salute."
Three cannons barked in rapid succession. Their recoil vibrating the entire. Giving him enough time to come up with a comeback to end this particular discussion.
"I haven't seen Morag's." He'd bloody well felt them though. Pressing into his chest. All firm and stuff.
Jake shook himself out of that memory.
"Tell me tomorrow then. When you've had enough time to familiarize yourself with them?"
"What? Sorry? No.. I mean..." What did he mean? Jake was getting very confused and flustered here. "What are you on about?"
That wasn't ordinary laughter. Doxy was cackling. So hard she could barely control the wheel.
"You haven't noticed have you? Morag's got her eye on you, ya fool. She's been flirting with you. That woman thinks you're playing hard to get."
That couldn't be true. Jake cast around. Oh Christ, there she was. Looking at him. No. It didn't make any sense whatsoever. He'd hit her, really hard. Jake could still remember apologizing to her as he lowered her body gently to the floor.
"Are you shitting me? You're shitting me. I'm a frigging gargoyle compared to anyone on this vessel. A woman like that. She could have any man she wants."
"Well she wants you Sparky."
Doxy had used the nickname she'd appended to him. Things were thawing between them, he hoped. That was why she was kidding him about Morag. What if she wasn't though?
"No." His certainty was ebbing away. "Why?"
A horrible thought entered his bewildered brain. Had she exhausted every other available avenue on board? Was he just fresh meat? These people would have their way with anything of woman born. Many of them with the offspring of Mother Nature herself, according to Grundel and Hermes.
"Don't worry." He sighed with relief. This was all a joke at his expense. "I'm sure she'll be gentle with you."
Doxy cracked up again. Despite her mirth, this could be serious.
"Can I lock my cabin door?"
"Of course you can." She gave him a patronizing pat on the shoulder. "That's not even going to slow her down. She's a fully qualified engineer with decades of experience. Mechanical, electrical or electronic she'll crack that open in a second. You could always barricade yourself in. But Morag will cut through anything you can use, like it was wet tissue."
He knew this was a hopeless gambit. Jake was also 98 percent convinced Morag had intentions towards him. There was still hope though. No matter what bullshit line he'd spun Hermes, more than once, he always had hope.
"Don't you have rules about this kind of thing? Fraternizing among the crew. Officers and enlisted personnel. You know. My position of power over her and me abusing it."
Jake could tell by the way her lips scrunched and curled, that he was barking up several wrong trees here.
"Rules? We're pirates. There are no rules. We do have unwritten guidelines. For example we expect members of the crew not to fuck each others brains out during a storm or battle, and any other emergency. It's a mixed crew without any of your cultures sexual hang ups. As long as the participants are both agreed they can do what they like. You can bang anyone you like." Here she lost some control holding in her merriment. "You can't abuse your power over her. You don't have any. Theoretically you're my second in command. In reality you are right at the bottom of the chain of command. Pip has more responsibilities than you."
Possible loophole.
"So technically Morag would be abusing her power over me. As Captain you could order her to keep her hands off me. In fact I'm willing to give you everything I possess, if you pretend you and I are in some kind of relationship. Nothing serious or permanent. Just two people enjoying... pleasurable activities together."
Now they were clear of the harbor and any potential hazard, she tied off the ships wheel. Next, to his amazement she grabbed him forcefully. One hand behind his head the other squeezing his ass. Pulling him into a prolonged passionate kiss. His arms flapped helplessly. Jake staggered a bit when she eventually released him. Placing her hands on his cheeks she stared deeply into his eyes.
"No. Not a chance." Then she spun towards Morag. "I've warmed him up for you." She called, loud enough for everyone to hear.
It really wasn't as funny as the two of them found it. There was no doubt in his mind he could fight Morag off. Only he was starting to have doubts that he even wanted to. Surrendering to the inevitable as it were. No, he couldn't spin that into anything resembling an excuse. How could he put this next question?
"Um... Morag? Has she... How many... How can I put this without it seeming offensively judgmental?"
She started walking towards the bow. He stuttered his way after her.
"You can't. You want to know if she's banged everyone aboard this ship. How many notches she's got on her bedpost?"
"Weeeellll yes. In a way."
A long pause ensued.
"No." The Captain stated.
"Oh God. That's not good. It's not bad either I suppose. I'm dragging along a lot of useless baggage from my own world I suppose."
"Why isn't it good?"
"You had to calculate it. It took a long time."
Doxy shrugged.
"I have."
"You've slept with the entire crew?" Jake interjected.
"There was very little sleeping involved let me tell you. I have enjoyed myself with Morag though. Not with any of the male crew and not with all of the female crew either. And, before you bring more of that crap from your repressed world, I do not prefer the company of women in my bed. I simply haven't found any of the men to be attractive in that way. That could change."
"Why are you telling me all this?" Jake inquired.
She stopped, swiveling to face him.
"Because I am more than familiar with the freakishly weird sexual etiquette of your world. Here we have monogamy, serial monogamy, polyamory, bisexual, homosexual and every possible combination or flavor you can think of. That doesn't mean we are constantly fucking each other. It's not one long orgy. If two people of whatever persuasion want to enjoy one another then they can feel free to do so. They can find somewhere private or do it surrounded by a crowd who will most probably ignore them. Nobody judges anyone else. Unlike your screwed up backwater the people in monogamous relationships here, don't cheat on one another. Out in The Never you'll find anything and everything. From cultures who think sex is only for married people making babies to ones that bang anything at the drop of a hat. Get used to it. Guilt free, disease free sex with no possibility of pregnancy is what happens here. You can move from one group to another as and when you choose. Deal with it."
Jake actually put his hand up. A habit he really should get out of.
"The trouble is I feel like it's betraying Sharon. I'd be cheating on her."
Doxy's eyebrows arched.
"Do you think she'd mind?"
"The stupid thing is I don't. I really can't say I knew her that well. All I can say is it felt like I'd known her all my life. From the way she was I know Sharon wouldn't care."
"Well there you go then Sparky. The choice is yours. Morag's persistent, but she's not going to waste her time at a dry well."
She'd used that name again. Now was the time.
"Look. I know you had a bit of a problem with me replacing you as the number one box office draw. So I had a word with Grundel. Through some cunning artifice and skillful editing we, or more exactly he, recreated us as a double act. You get top billing. It's absolutely amazing what we've already got up to."
She smiled at him beatifically. Then punched him in the face. One more habit that needed changing. The blood had barely started dripping before Hermes had it under control. It still hurt like buggery. He nursed his nose.
"I was pissed off at you usurping me." Her finger was wagging in his face. The tone threatening. "I don't like being second to anyone. However, what pissed me off the most, was you hiding it from me. Like I was some delicate flower, just because that thing got its claws into me. Then you continued to conceal it after I became your captain. There are no secrets between crew members." His hand went up again. She slapped it down. "And me. I decide what's secret. It's a rule. I know I said there were no rules. There aren't. Except for the ones I make up. That's because I know what's best for the entire ship. It's the only reason the crew follow me. I look out for them. They look out for me. Do you understand?"
"Aye, aye Captain."
"What kind of a deal am I getting?"
"After Grundels cut is taken it's 50.1% for you 49.9% for me. Of course you still keep all the money from your solo exploits, which are now being rewritten and repackaged with additional material so that there's more of a crossover between those and our joint ventures. They've basically made changes so that it looks like our partnership developed during that time. I'm the helpless idiot you took under your wing and guided to greatness."
"Are they going to do a will they won't they romance angle?"
"No we thought that would spoil the dynamic. It's far better that we're two mavericks living on the raw edge. If we're not romantically involved it also makes our banter better according to the metrics."
"Shrewd move. Of course I'd have respected you far more if you hadn't done any of this. Instead of caving so easily."
"Aw. I said that. I wasn't sure though. I felt guilty for what I'd inadvertently done."
"Relax. I'm just shitting ya Sparky. Are we straight now? Do you understand where I'm coming from?"
"Aye, aye Captain."
She shook her head emphatically.
"Don't overuse that. Aye or yes Captain is enough and try not to wear the Captain out either. Not when we're together." She looked up at the sky, then towards the horizon. "We should be near the transitional portal early tomorrow. That'll be all Sparky."
As she departed he thought it might be worth a shot. What could he lose? Alright it was a lot, but what the hell.
"What about Captain Scarlet?"
She glanced back over her shoulder. Not enough for him to see the expression on her face.
"Indestructible, I like that."
That was a bulls-eye. Obscure late 1960's show from his own planet. meaning Doxy was very nearly unquestionably from his world. He knew he hadn't brought anything connected with him that was remotely connected to that. Jake had the hunch Scarlet was also the name she was going by here. Whether it was the one she'd had back on their earth he didn't know. He'd work it out though. Oh dear. Morag was looking at him with an expression he could only describe as predatory. Jake wondered if there was anywhere he could hide.
