Look at that fucking polar bear. Making out it's all big and tough. Nothing he likes better than crushing a human skull in his jaws, except toothpaste oddly enough. People have been gnawed to death in their extreme weather tents for a tube of Colgate. Well Mr Polar Bear, your days are numbered. Thanks to the wonderful phenomenon of man made global warming. You white supremacist fucks will soon be history. Another couple of years of runaway carbon production and you'll be perched on a ice cube floating around the North Pole. Let's see how tough you are then shall we. That's just one of the many benefits of making the planet hotter. Sure we'll lose a few hundred coastal cities as water levels rise, but there are so many advantages. Forty years from now, people won't be vacationing in the Caribbean, because it won't exist. It'll be a few rocks sticking up out of the water with some very confused seabirds perching on them. Those lucky people of the future will be taking a break in Siberia or Alaska. Definitely not Canada though, that's a shit hole. Not made any better by being filled with Canadians. Even worse, many of them are French Canadians. You know, the ones with horns who eat babies. There you go, a look at the upside of a potential global catastrophe that will kill millions. Think of this though, you won't have to worry about shark attacks in Siberia or even bears. They'll all be extinct with any luck.
(The copyright to this image is the property of Polar Bears International.)
They'd landed almost five minutes ago. In that time Jake had seen all there was to see. There was a beach, which went all the way round the island, lots of grass and low shrubs. Then there was the highlight of the excursion, the big mound in the middle of the island. Only about 15 meters tall it didn't have a lot to compete with. Apart from that tall thing that wasn't a tree. The one Fetu was staring at intently. Poppy had wandered off to collect things. There was a really awful, pale yellow, flowering plant that caught her interest. Conscious of his duties as her guardian, Jake kept half an eye on his charge. Telling her repeatedly not to go too far. It wasn't a bad place. Back in his own world there might well have been a hotel built on this outcrop. Pirate treasure would be mentioned in the brochure, based on no evidence.
The nerd had started sciencing before they'd left the boat. As it drew close to the shore she pointed out it wasn't a native of The Never. The place showed definite signs of high and low water marks. There were no tides here. It didn't solve the mystery of how it got here, but it did show it hadn't been here before. Leaving the bags where they were, after cautioning Poppy to be careful, Jake went to see what Fetu was so interested in. He stood back as the huge Polynesian rubbed his chin and crossed his arms. Something about that tree was fascinating him. Try as he might, Jake couldn't see anything of note. Up close even he could tell it wasn't a tree. The trunk, for want of a better word, consisted of lots of individual stalks. They wrapped around themselves intricately all the way to the thick leaves at the top. There was no way he was going to work this out.
"What are you looking at?" He asked. This was the only game in town that might break the monotony so he had to know.
"Nothing." Fetu replied, still studying it.
"There must be something interesting about it."
Please God let there be. For the sake of his sanity Fetu had to have a far different definition of nothing than Jake did.
"Something the Captain said before we left."
Jake was physically urging the navigator on. It didn't work.
"What did she say?"
"She said it's probably nothing."
This was taking a lot longer than it should. Digging every bit of information out, one tiny piece at a time.
"Oh Christ. What did she say was probably nothing."
"Part of the time she was here the Captain felt like she was being watched."
Jake already had his firearm out. He scanned the area. Poppy was a hundred meters away crouched in some long grass. He waved his weapon around. To warn potential watchers off.
"It's funny isn't it, how you and her saying probably nothing to worry about, makes me worried. That's a conundrum isn't it." He stopped his constant vigilance. "That still doesn't explain why you're looking at that big plant."
"I feel like I'm being watched to. I feel like this plant is watching me."
"You dick. You scared the shit out of me." He replaced his rifle in its holster. "What the hell is it going to do? Grow at us? Look at the roots. That thing's been there for years. It hasn't gone anywhere or done anything. It's like a vegetable version of me. Mostly harmless. It hasn't even got thorns."
"Yeah. Yer right. It's probably nothing."
"Well there you go. We've had a vote and it's unanimous."
At which point Poppy yelled.
"I've found something. I think it's alive."
Given that she was standing only a meter or so from the waterline, watching two gulls fighting over a pile of seaweed, Jake took his time. No need to draw his weapon. Poppy was waving her arms. Shooing the two warring birds away. Right now they represented the greatest danger to anyone on the island. Turning back, he signaled to Fetu that it was nothing to worry about. The nearer he drew the more he was convinced that the birds were picking at some seaweed. It was a very dark green. Whatever movements it was making were only due to those birds tussling over it.
"It looks like seaweed to me." He called as he drew nearer.
"I know but it's alive."
She had a point. Plants were alive. They didn't move around a lot though or go down to the beach to play.
"It's moving because of the birds." He insisted.
"No it isn't. I saw it fighting them off. It's too weak now."
That explained why it wasn't moving. Too tired after all that work wrestling with seabirds. He pulled out the trusty rifle.
"There's only one way to settle this. Poppy, throw something at them to scare them off. I can pick them off."
As she searched for something to throw he jacked a shotgun round into the breach. Moving around so the angle left her out of the firing line. A large clod of earth, with tufts of grass, flew at the seaweed attackers. Another frantic arm wave, combined with some shouts made the gulls take flight momentarily. Cooley and calmly Jake took both out with one shot. That deserved a round of applause. He took a bow to the invisible audience. Brushing away their praise. All hell broke loose.
Poppy screamed. Fetu roared. Jake dithered. Caught almost half way between his two comrades, he didn't know which way to turn. Woman first, his brain demanded as his head twisted from side to side. The Polynesian was having a fight with something. His pullover seemed to be the culprit. he was grabbing at himself. Poppy? Where the hell was she? It was then he saw them coming. Wave after wave of his new enemy. They were easily outnumbered at least a hundred to one. He didn't have enough shells to take out that many. Not unless they stood really close together. The young nerd went down under the horde that engulfed her. Then his own personal attack force arrived. They might have only been twenty centimeters tall but they made up in numbers what they lacked ins size. They were around his legs.Climbing up his body. Their tiny fists beating at him ineffectively. For every one he flung off two more replaced them. His befuddled brain chose this moment to admit Poppy was right. That seaweed had been moving of its own volition. Hundreds of blows pattered across his chest and legs. Maybe if he allowed himself to fall over he'd crush a few dozen. Not a good idea. He'd be swamped by the survivors.
Fetu was coming to his aid. Throwing tiny bodies like rag dolls. The creatures hitting the ground with no bad effects, simply returned to the fray. He was still making good time though. Jake was stuck in a mass of dark green bodies. Kicking out he sent a few flying. Oh God they were everywhere. His sword. He could use that to mow them down. A few good swings of that razor sharp blade would thin these little bastards out. One small problem. He couldn't reach it. There were loads of Lilliputians hanging from his waist. Apart from their weight and their obstructing his movements they were harmless. That wasn't going to stop him killing the little shits. Attacking from ambush while heavily outnumbering their targets. One of them punched him in the eye. That might have stung if he hadn't blinked. This was war. This was an unprovoked attack. Pulling tiny bodies from him he freed the pommel of his sword. Another four or five tugs and he'd pulled it from ts sheathe. Now you little bastards, time for payback.
As suddenly as they'd attacked the horde of creatures withdrew. They'd bitten off more than they could chew. That would teach them to assault him. There were a few stragglers, tugging at the one he'd thought was a bundle of kelp. Jake leaped into the attack. They shot off pretty quickly. Leaving the dying one lying there. Barely moving. Fetu arrived.Looking around in several directions at once while still brushing himself off.
"What the fuck were they?" Jake exclaimed.
"Tough little bastards whatever they were. I knew I was being watched."
Jake peered at the thing at his feet. It feebly moved an arm.
"This one's had it." He declared.
"Should we put it out of its misery? Seems like the best thing to do. The gulls are gonna get it anyway."
Jake looked down at the little beast. So small. Those things that were like eyes were looking at him.
"Well go on then." He urged Fetu.
The Polynesian shook his head definitively.
"No way. It's like a little kitten. All helpless and harmless. I couldn't live with myself if I killed it."
"What do you mean? You've killed dozens of people. Human people. You didn't give a shit about them."
"That's different. None of them were small and helpless."
If he wouldn't do it, that left only one option.
"Alright. I'll do it. Should I just stamp on it?"
"No man." A horrified Fetu replied. "It's gotta be a quick painless death. That's the least we owe it."
"Right." He stared at it. "Do you think if I broke it's neck, that would do it. Is that it's neck? It's got its head on it."
"I dunno. Never seen one before."
This was taking far too long. Jake knelt beside the dark green being. His fingers waggling indecisively. It wasn't breathing. It might be dead already. Did these things need to breathe? Damn. He should have gone with his first instinct and snapped that neck like bit. It moved again. Trying to get away from him. The eyes were like pits in its head. They still communicated a lot.
"Aw shit. Hermes? Do you think you can do anything?"
Fetu pretended to be interested in something other than the man talking to himself.
"About what? I'm blind here. All I know is that you underwent some vigorous exercise. No signs of danger. What's happening?"
"We got attacked by a lot of baby Hobbits. One of them is here seriously injured. Do you think you might be able to get your biots to sort it out."
"It's worth a try." He took out his dagger and cut his palm. Squeezing some of his blood into the things wounds. The purple internal flesh was oozing a translucent liquid he assumed was its blood. "You know you don't have to do that. You could spit or piss on it if you wanted. I can come out of just about any hole in your body."
"Thanks for the advice. I'm going to ignore it. The whole spitting and pissing thing disturbs me. Not nearly as much as the image of you coming out of every hole in my body. There are so many, and none of them's nice."
Though they'd only last a few hours at most Jake was hoping they'd be able to do their stuff. Fetu had wandered off. He came back looking a bit worried.
"Where is she?" He inquired of the man responsible for her safety.
The feeling of dread that swept up from the pit of his stomach robbed Jake of the power of speech.
"Bollocks. I've lost our nerd. One frigging job I had to do and I couldn't. What the hell are we going to do? Wait. I've had an idea. Hey. Don't look like that. I was thinking we find them. Then offer to swap the broken one for Poppy. Shit. Do you think they've hurt her?"
"Don't see how they could really. Unless they carried her up somewhere high and threw her off. They didn't have weapons and they were weak as piss. Your plan might work. Although if it croaks on the way there, they'll probably think we're taunting them. Things could get real nasty real fast."
"Do you think so?" A concerned Jake asked.
"No. There's a lot of them, but they barely touched us. Where was Poppy when you saw her last?"
Jake nodded in the direction he recalled, picking up the small being. Cradling it in one arm he followed Fetu. He'd undoubtedly have excellent tracking skills. Or was that Indians? As it turned out there wasn't a whole lot of tracking expertise needed. The trail Poppy and her captors had made could have been followed by a shortsighted mole wearing a blindfold.
The two of them set off. It didn't take long to work out where they were headed. The two men jogged along the trail. Fetu in the lead. He held a hand up to signal a halt. Jake moved up beside him. Straining his ears he could dimly hear something. It sounded a bit like Poppy. They moved on. faster now. They were near the mound Scarlet had been intrigued by. These things could well be its builders. Now it was possible to hear most of what was being said. Not the kind of stuff that would send a chill to your heart. More something that brought a grin to your face.
"Stop pushing, that's very rude you know. Get Off. Don't touch me there. That's a personal area I don't want you anywhere near. Will you stop doing that. It's very annoying. See I'm moving in the direction you're shoving me. I can't go any faster or I'll step on you."
They sped up again. Little more than a minute later they emerged from the bushes into the clearing that surrounded the mound. Several hundred pairs of eyes looked at them.
"We come in peace." He proclaimed.
Fetu gave him a withering look.
"Couldn't you come up with anything better than that?"
"Like what?"
"Hand over the girl or else. It doesn't matter what you say they can't understand you. Just seems stupid to say you come in peace."
He was prepared to argue the point. Now wasn't the right time though."
"Let's stick a pin in that for now. Poppy, how are you doing?"
The female nerd was surrounded by a phalanx of the little people. At least 8 or 9 times their height the sight was very nearly comical. In a very serious sense.
"A few scratches and some bruising. Nothing I can't handle. They don't mean any harm. Even if they did I don't think they could do any. They don't even have weapons. They're afraid of you and Fetu. They don't know what you are. They don't know what I am either. But I think that because I was trying to chase away those birds they see me as a friend."
Something moved in his pocket. The shock subsided quickly, once Jake remembered he'd put the injured one in there. He reached in gingerly. Afraid of what he might find. That could well have been the little fellows death throes. What would they think if he pulled a dead one out of his pocket to dangle in front of them. There wasn't a lot they could do, but it would be better to be remembered as being nice. The baby hobbit was fine. It was staring at him. In wonder he hoped. It was hard to tell with those funny eye things.
"What type of animal are they?" He asked holding his passenger out in the palm of his hand. The others moved towards him.
"They aren't animals. They're sentient plants."
That was him told.
"What do these sentient plants want do you think? If it's you then I'm afraid we'll be fighting our way out of here very shortly. I'm going to feel really bad about beating up minute pacifists. You okay with that scenario Fetu? No qualms about potentially hurting these half pint pixies."
The ship's navigator shrugged.
"Yeah sure."
"You know that's really weird, because I seem to recall you being extremely reluctant to harm an injured helpless plant."
The Polynesian shrugged again.
"What can I say? I'm multilayered."
