Actually, I didn’t fail woefully. I just scored marks that were below his expectations, and it was honestly my first-time having marks that low, but even with that, I didn’t expect that because my results were always good, I wasn’t permitted to fail. I am only human, and humans are the only creatures that are allowed to fail, right? So, why will mine be different?
I remember Lolade telling me I was her role model. Wait, what? Role what? What exactly am I modelling? I laughed hard and asked her many times what exactly was fascinating about me that she took me a role model and she said, “you smile even in adverse situations. No matter how hard it gets, you always show up. And your modesty too, I appreciate it. Your calm demeanor, the way you speak, the way you think, and a lot more. Actually, if possible, I would like to be exactly how you are”, she concluded.
“Lol”. That was my actual response to the epistle she typed. Then I told her how the many things she saw may be façade, and most of them are just coping mechanisms I built over the years.
Laughing and showing up despite the adversities are basically coping mechanisms for me. I have mental breakdowns too, and I get super uncomfortable with a lot of things. I do many things that I’m not proud of such as dipping bread inside tea, and I do a lot of things that I give myself a pat on the back for. Everything is just a part of being human, and that is what I do, I live like the human that I am, and I do not expect that I am looked upon like a mini god.
If there is anything I don’t like, it is pretending to be who I’m not, and that, I’ve never done all my life. But, sometimes, people look me up, and draw up a creation of a perfect human, then expect me to live up to their imaginations. I have many attributes and people-pleasing has never been a part of it, so I tend to disappoint them most of the times.
I’ve met people that had seen me as snubby, rude and proud. I remember Tade and Paulo talking to me after we finally became friends. They both had the drawing of a rude, snubby and proud individual until we got close, then they found out that I tend to keep to myself when I’m among unfamiliar faces, but quite free-spirited.
I’ve been crucified many times by my dad for a lot of things that he came to realize cannot change about me. It is just a part of being me and most importantly being human. So, when I live up to the expectations of others sometimes, it is just me living my life the way I normally would without thinking about what people may think.
Last last, everybody that drew up a “perfect” version of me in their heads will realize that I’m nothing close to being God as all perfections belong to Him
All images are mine.