Today, after having three additional five year old girls here for a few hours, I am even more grateful for Smallsteps than normal. I am also glad that we have raised her the way we have, as it is pretty obvious thay boundaries are not being set in all households, nor is any sense of responsibility of action, manners, situational awareness... My wife is tired.
Still though, nothing is broken and nothing needs too much cleaning or repair and overall, the kids were pretty decent.
One thing that I did find strange was one of the children had a security blanket with them. I thought that likbd of thing only happened in Peanuts with Linus. This is not my area, but is five pretty old for a security blanket?
The other day I saw a child that must have been near four years of age still using a dummy (pacifier) and it makes me wonder. Are parents that scared of tears that they can't take them away or, are they scared that their child will be grievously harmed by losing it?
Smallsteps was old in dummy standards in my opinion, as she was around two when she gave it up. Literally gave it up. We had a conversation with her about her being too old for it and that there was a baby bunny in the forest that needed a dummy. We then went outside and left it on a rock in the forest for the bunny family to take once we had waked away. We checked an hour later and it had magically disappeared (into my pocket) and she was so happy that she had helped a baby bunny.
The thing that made it easy was that the decision to give it up was hers and there was a good reason to do so. While the story is obviously nonsense to an adult, as an adult knows that a human pacifier is much too large for a baby bunny, it was something that Smallsteps could understand and act upon. While the truth matters, stories are very effective ways to deliver the messages of truth - *with a little poetic license.
As said, I am really grateful to have the daughter we do and while I know that many parents likely feel that way, I think they should be grateful. being grateful for what we have is part of the story that helps us to take care of what we have, to take responsibility for it. The story isn't enough, if action doesn't follow and it seems a lot of parents tell themselves stories, but they don't necessarily have the follow through.
"Mother knows best" might pass many lips, but when what the parent does is far from in the best interest of their child, it is an empty statement. Parents don't know best, they just know what they know and do the best they can, even if that best is pretty damn terrible.
In my family, I am "bad cop", a position that I never wanted, but have taken as essentially, Someone has to. But, while I am quite strict in many ways as a parent, I also temper it with a lot of fun, games, inside jokes and as a result, I have a pretty bloody good relationship with our daughter. She and I can have fun absolutely anywhere and we can talk about anything together, no matter how silly or difficult.
The other day as we were driving home from daycare, laughing about some random stuff, I told her that the world is a better place for having her in it and the quiet smile that I caught in the rearview mirror when she thought I couldn't see her, was one of the most lovely things I have ever seen in 42 years of life.
Right now, she is starting to find her own place in this world as she starts to expand her awareness from herself to include others into her considerations. She has always been sensitive to the emotions of others, but I think now she is starting to realize how she is able to influence their moods too.
A couple weeks ago I had read to her and kissed her good night and she took my hand and said for the first time, "I love you, Daddy" and she meant it. She was serious, not a throw away comment where she was repeating what she has heard from us. At least in her world and as far as she understands love, she was expressing exactly how she felt. I don't know if other parents remember the first time they hear that, but I hope to never forget it.
I think that over the last few months I have worked a bit harder to make sure that she knows that it doesn't matter what happens, she will always be loved by us, even if we aren't together. Not together for her at the moment is when I am at work and she daycare, or she at home and I am at the shops - but the idea of distance is there. If I was to pass, it is not a far leap from there to me being gone, but her still being loved by me. She doesn't need to understand all the details at this point, she just needs to hold the general storyline.
A few months ago, if things had gone another way, I don't think she would have had that story clearly at all and even though my wife would have told it to her, she may always question the narrative, as it wasn't from the Bear's mouth. we joke around a lot and make up many stories and non-truths - but she knows when I am tricking her and when I am serious.
Pretty much everyone can have children, but I don't think parenting is for everyone. Too many seem to see it as a lifegoal checklist kind of thing or have some kind of idealistic view of what it means, or what they want to get out of it. People talk about the sacrifice of time, money, effort, potential and even themselves - but I think that one of the biggest sacrifice made is that it changes our view of the world, takes away our own filters and introduces a thousand dangers that weren't there just a moment ago.
For me, I have never been scared of death and still am not, but what does scare me is, if I'm gone, who will protect her? I have no answers at the moment and the world at the moment doesn't fill me with confidence that it will all work out for her best. What I can only hope is that when that time comes, she will be able to look after herself.
The world is better with her in it already, as she chose to help a baby bunny, even if the bunny never existed. I just hope that she will be able to build the relationship between ownership and responsibility, before giving all she has away. And learning who deserves her potential, and who her potential is wasted upon. For me at least, time as a parent is never wasted and she deserves the best of me, because my world is definitely better having her in it.
Taraz
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