Tight-fisted Ghost
A Screenplay
by The Invisible Man
A Screenplay
by The Invisible Man
EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON - AFTERNOON
Adorable gardener MADAME CATHERINE JUPITER is arguing with gracious navigator DR ROY DICKLESS. CATHERINE tries to hug ROY but he shakes her off.
CATHERINE
Please Roy, don't leave me.
ROY
I'm sorry Catherine, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
CATHERINE
I am such a person!
ROY frowns.
ROY
I'm sorry, Catherine. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
ROY leaves.
CATHERINE sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, courageous actor MASTER REGINALD FLAT NOSE barges in looking flustered.
CATHERINE
Goodness, Reginald! Is everything okay?
REGINALD
I'm afraid not.
CATHERINE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
REGINALD
It's ... a ghost ... I saw an evil ghost punch a bunch of children!
CATHERINE
Defenseless children?
REGINALD
Yes, defenseless children!
CATHERINE
Bloomin' heck, Reginald! We've got to do something.
REGINALD
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
CATHERINE
You can start by telling me where this happened.
REGINALD
I was...
REGINALD fans himself and begins to wheeze.
CATHERINE
Focus Reginald, focus! Where did it happen?
REGINALD
Greenwich, London! That's right - Greenwich, London!
CATHERINE springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
CATHERINE rushes along the street, followed by REGINALD. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. GREENWICH, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
OCEAN BREAST a tight-fisted ghost terrorises two children.
CATHERINE, closely followed by REGINALD, rushes towards OCEAN, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
REGINALD
What is is? What's the matter?
CATHERINE
That's not just any old ghost, that's Ocean Breast!
REGINALD
Who's Ocean Breast?
CATHERINE
Who's Ocean Breast? Who's Ocean Breast? Only the most tight-fisted ghost in the universe!
REGINALD
Blinkin' knickers, Catherine! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tight-fisted ghost in the universe!
CATHERINE
You can say that again.
REGINALD
Blinkin' knickers, Catherine! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tight-fisted ghost in the universe!
CATHERINE
I'm going to need paperweights, lots of paperweights.
Ocean turns and sees Catherine and Reginald. She grins an evil grin.
OCEAN
Catherine Jupiter, we meet again.
REGINALD
You've met?
CATHERINE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young CATHERINE is sitting in a park listening to some R & B music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees OCEAN. She takes off her headphones.
OCEAN
Would you like some fruit gums?
CATHERINE's eyes light up, but then he studies OCEAN more closely, and looks uneasy.
CATHERINE
I don't know, you look kind of tight-fisted.
OCEAN
Me? No. I'm not tight-fisted. I'm the least tight-fisted ghost in the world.
CATHERINE
Wait, you're a ghost?
CATHERINE runs away, screaming.
INT. GREENWICH, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
OCEAN
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
REGINALD
(To CATHERINE) You ran away?
CATHERINE
(To REGINALD) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
CATHERINE turns to OCEAN.
CATHERINE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
CATHERINE runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
CATHERINE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with paperweights.
OCEAN
I'm not scared of you.
CATHERINE
You should be.
EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - LATER THAT DAY
CATHERINE and REGINALD walk around searching for something.
CATHERINE
I feel sure I left my paperweights somewhere around here.
REGINALD
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly paperweights.
CATHERINE
You know nothing Reginald Flat Nose.
REGINALD
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, OCEAN appears, holding a pair of paperweights.
OCEAN
Looking for something?
REGINALD
Crikey, Catherine, she's got your paperweights.
CATHERINE
Tell me something I don't already know!
REGINALD
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
CATHERINE
I know that already!
REGINALD
I'm afraid of sausages.
OCEAN
(appalled) Dude!
While OCEAN is looking at REGINALD with disgust, CATHERINE lunges forward and grabs her deadly paperweights. He wields them, triumphantly.
CATHERINE
Prepare to die, you tight-fisted carrot!
OCEAN
No please! All I did was punch a bunch of children!
ROY enters, unseen by any of the others.
CATHERINE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Catherine Jupiter defender of innocent children.
OCEAN
Don't hurt me! Please!
CATHERINE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these paperweights on you right away!
OCEAN
Because Catherine, I am your mother.
CATHERINE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
CATHERINE
No you're not!
OCEAN
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
OCEAN tries to grab the paperweights but CATHERINE dodges out of the way.
CATHERINE
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, OCEAN slumps to the ground.
REGINALD
Did she just faint?
CATHERINE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly paperweights.
CATHERINE crouches over OCEAN's body.
REGINALD
Be careful, Catherine. It could be a trick.
CATHERINE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Ocean Breast is dead!
CATHERINE
What?
CATHERINE
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
REGINALD claps his hands.
REGINALD
So your paperweights did save the day, after all.
ROY steps forward.
ROY
Is it true? Did you kill the tight-fisted ghost?
CATHERINE
Roy how long have you been...?
ROY puts his arm around CATHERINE.
ROY
Long enough.
CATHERINE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Ocean Breast.
ROY
Then the children are safe?
CATHERINE
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.
ROY
You are their hero.
The children bow to CATHERINE.
CATHERINE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Ocean Breast will never punch children ever again, is enough for me.
ROY
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the children passes CATHERINE a tinkling talisman
ROY
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
CATHERINE
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
CATHERINE
Well, if you insist.
CATHERINE takes the talisman.
CATHERINE
Thank you.
The children bow their heads once more, and leave.
CATHERINE turns to ROY.
CATHERINE
Does this mean you want me back?
ROY
Oh, Catherine, of course I want you back!
CATHERINE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
CATHERINE
Well you can't have me.
ROY
WHAT?
CATHERINE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a ghost to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
ROY
But...
CATHERINE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Reginald.
REGINALD grins.
ROY
But...
REGINALD
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
ROY
Catherine?
CATHERINE
I'm sorry Roy, but I think you should skidaddle.
ROY leaves.
REGINALD turns to CATHERINE.
REGINALD
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
CATHERINE
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly REGINALD stops.
REGINALD
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the ghost don't you?
THE END
