I used to smoke weed every night. It was a daily ritual. But I must confess I have been consuming much less cannabis than I used to. In fact, I stopped using it entirely for a full year after having repeated panic attacks while high and going to the emergency room, thinking I was having a heart attack. (I will write more about that at a later date.) Even after being sent home from the ER and being told I was fine, those panic attacks were so severe and frightening that I suffered extreme hypochondria and anxiety for months afterward, convinced there was still something wrong with me physically that the doctors missed. I had to stop using weed and take antidepressants to help get over that health anxiety, and after several months, I finally started to feel normal again.
I used to enjoy weed so much because it made everything better. It made me more creative. I wrote almost all the original posts for this blog while high. The ideas would come to me rapidly, seemingly uncontrollably—more ideas than I could physically write down. I loved listening to music while high, doing yoga while high, watching YouTube while high, listening to podcasts while high, walking around town while high, and eating while high. Doing almost anything while high seemed better.
But then the panic attacks started happening every time I got high. I wasn’t sure why, which only increased my anxiety. (It wasn’t until months later that I figured out the probable cause was accidentally taking a much higher dose of THC than I was used to.) To stop the panic attacks, I had to stop using cannabis entirely. Even while not high, I was still in a constant state of anxiety over the panic attacks, thinking there was something seriously wrong with my health. I did not think the weed could have caused it when I used weed daily for three years with no panic attacks or any other negative effects. I went to several different doctors and got all kinds of tests done, but they didn't find anything wrong with me physically other than the anxiety itself.
Cannabis can make you more creative, but anxiety is sort of the flip side of the same coin as creativity. Since I was in an anxious state about my physical health, the “creative” thoughts that flooded my mind while high were negative thoughts worrying about my health, escalating my anxiety further, resulting in physical symptoms and a full-blown panic attack.
Under my doctor’s advice, I started to take an antidepressant. I was hesitant to do so because I’d tried antidepressants years before and didn’t like them. But I was desperate, so I gave this new antidepressant a try, and thankfully, the anxiety dissipated, and after a month or so I began to feel normal again. After several months the daily health anxiety went away completely.
Since I’d been feeling great, part of me wanted to try cannabis again. I missed being high and feared that I might be missing out on the burst of creative ideas weed produced in me. Despite feeling better, I hadn't been writing anywhere near as much as I used to. I didn't get the flood of "high ideas" anymore because I was never getting high. But another part of me was terrified of the panic attacks returning if I used cannabis. Yet I was curious. I wanted to try weed one more time to at least confirm that it was nothing more than anxiety all along.
So I decided to start small and take a low dose of weed. When I got high for the first time in about a year, thankfully there was no panic attack. I realized I was both right and wrong. I did get a flood of ideas that night and started writing frantically. And those ideas were this—the bulk of this blog post is what I wrote.
My main realization was this: Marijuana makes you realize how interesting interesting things are, but I find interesting things interesting even when I'm not high. So I don't really need weed. I can conjure a burst of creative ideas while sober—I just need to devote time to think and be creative, to brainstorm and free associate. Because that's what I do when I’m high. While high, I can't help but be creative. You can be highly creative without using any drugs, but certain drugs such as cannabis will force you to think creatively whether you want to or not. And, unfortunately, sometimes that "creativity" can manifest as anxiety. A high enough level of anxiety will result in a full-on panic attack.
While high that first time in a long time, I realized I could do the same thing while not high. I can come up with “high thoughts” (mind-blowing and creative ideas) as long as I emulate the same things my brain unconsciously does while high. That is to simply think. Let my mind run. Daydream. Free associate. Say “what if…” and imagine.
Cannabis was great for me the three years I used it daily. It altered my consciousness permanently (for the better, I think/hope), so that now my consciousness doesn’t need as much cannabis-induced alteration. I've gotten from it what I needed to. I’ve learned how to “think high” and how to be more creative, so I can enter that same mind-state at any time without marijuana. I can focus on my body while working out and doing yoga. I can focus on and appreciate great music and art. I can think deeply about the philosophy of everything. I can imagine anything. And so can you.
I have since weaned off the anti-depressants and feel like I am now in the best shape of my life, both physically and mentally. I don't want to sacrifice that by using weed for creative ideas when I don't need to. Despite my experience, I am not anti-cannabis and am still thankful I used it when I did. I may still use weed in the future but not as often as I used to (and at a lower dose). However, I would never tell someone else to limit their use if it’s working for them, especially since daily use worked so well for me for years.
Part of me hesitates to write anything that could be construed as anti-cannabis at a time when the drug laws are finally changing in the right direction. I still support the full legalization of, not just cannabis, but all drugs. Though just because meth is legal doesn’t mean I will use it. But I have to be honest about my own experience with cannabis and the fact that severe panic attacks are a possible side effect, especially at higher doses of THC. I may continue to use marijuana (with balanced levels of CBD), but less often and more selectively—not as a crutch or daily habit. Cannabis may work best (at least for me) as a sort of rare ritual rather than a daily default.