As any fairytale goes... Once upon a time in a land maybe not so far away, maybe the house next door or how about the castle down the street? Doesn't everyone live down the street from a castle? Of course you do, it's fairytale :)
Tale as old as time...
True as it can be..... Oh wait sorry got sidetracked for a moment. So we're living in a van down by the ... wait still wrong story with this hafling brain of mine I can't seem to get a complete thought.
(Deep Breath) Focus silly girl or someone is going to throw you in the dungeon of that castle down the street. Dungeons.. Dungeons & Dragons?? NO sorry, no dragons in this story it's a fairytale. Hate to break that too you.
Ok, one more time....
So, Like, the other day... I was like on my way to work, ya know over at PowerHouseCreatives, such a lovely bunch of people and like I swear, I like saw something, like lingering around the castle. Kinda creepy, ya know, right?? So of course I had ask any one if the castle down their street has something creepy too ya know. Ya know what?? They all saw something creepy hanging around their castles too. I'm like OH MY GAWD, that is so like totally creepy now. Next thing you know there might be like monsters living in the dungeon or a big like hair witch or some old geezer wizard looking dude or something totally grotesque ya know like pork chops all greasy and slimy, UGH like just gag me with a spoon already.
Anywho so I was talking with like my BBFL ... best babes for life ya know. I know you know what I'm like saying. She said that like her castle has like always had wizard and witches going in and out like all day and like all night. She told me like everyone that like come out of her castle is like totally babalicious. She said that like her castle like has a throne and like tons of treasure from like everywhere like even San Diego, gah. Now get this, she even told me that her castle doesn't have a dungeon, nope not like at all, that's like totally crazy ya know. So I said to her like girl no dungeon?? For reals? And ya know she's like totally fer sure. So like I asked her what they use like the place for if they like don't have a dungeon. Like get this she said like her castle has like an actual school there and they have like old dusty things and icky things they study. I was just like dude, this is just so out there. Then she tells me like they have this magical stones that are like supposed to make you babalicious. Like OMG no way, that maybe like why everyone comes out looking totally hot. She's like ya like this is REAL stuff.
So we like talked like forever about this whole deal they like got goin on. She even said I should like go there and see if they can like find the other half of my halfing brain. I'm like really they can do that? That like why the call us halflings cuz like we only have like half a brain.
That weekend she like took me to the castle ya know and we saw this total beefcake wizard and told him like what we wanted. Like so this wizard dude got like so totally excited I swear you could like see his dagger must have come loose or something cuz it was like soo sticking out there. He then like totally just grabs my arm and like taking me to see those totally kick ass magic stone. My halfling brain was just a buzzin just tryin to like keep up. My BBFL is like this has so creeped me out we need to like get out of her like now. Ya know though I don't remember anything after that it's like so totally crazy. It's like my poor brain just couldn't take no more and like totally crashed.
So like I wake up and I'm feelin all fuzzy and totally spaced out looking around like I am so lost I had like no idea like where I was. The next thing I know like Mr. Babalicious wizard dude walks in and gets all excited again he like thought I like died or something. So I'm like dude, what freakin happened ya know and like where on this flying ball am I? He's just so happy he like can't say a word. I like had to snap my finger and was like 'Hey dude!! Like I'm getting totally raged her and I'm like wantin to know why you're being a douche. So he like give me a big hug and like hugs me and I soo can't be ragin' with Mr. Beefcake wizard hanging on me. But like, dude seriously! Where am I? He said we were at like the big mondo castle in the center of the village. I was soo jazzed I have always wanted to just take a little peeky poo in the door and now I'm like inside... I was like totally jazzed up ya know. The ya know some really old creepy wizard dude comes in and just as pleased as punch and the he like is like so hanging on me, I'm thinking like creepy wizard dude yer like totally grossing me out EWWWWW.
So like totally creepy wizard guy is like tellin like EVERYONE my business ya know like my halfing brain and such and the magic stones and then helps me to a chair. Like finally I get to sit. I asked the wizard dude if I can go home now. He got like really scared and tells me like my life is soo different now. Yeah, right dude I'm just feelin fuzzy like you gave me drugs or something. Get this he starts telling me I've been asleep for like a month. A FREAKING MONTH and my BBFL like came to sit with me every day cuz like the fam left like when I was a kid. So like, zoom like she's like right in front of me and like huggin on me like a little too much even for a BBFL ya know. As she's like huggin on me and I look and there are all my work peeps, my PHC peeps half are like gawking and like half are just smiling kinda like they're just like REALLY happy people and like half is like crying and stuff. I really wanted to just like go home and go to bed. I guess I shouldn't be tired and all bein asleep for like a month, A FREAKING MONTH!! Gah, some people. So anyway getting my poor brain back on track Mr. Beefcake gives me like this totally tubular shiny mirror it was totally kick ass out of this world. Give me like a mom hug, bleh and tells me to like take a look. I look in the mirror and I am like so totally speechless, I was a hottie before, OH MY FREAKIN GAWD!! I'm like so sizzling that my old self looked like some old dried up troll. Yeah it was freakin awesome ya know. But I was like hey, what about my little halfing brain?? I like don't mind like being all sizzlin and such but you were supposed to fix my poor little brain. The old geezer wizard is like (cough old me geezer voice) My dear, we have fixed your brain is it is remarkably whole and completely educated. You are now the epitome of beauty and brains.' Yeah right dude. I still think like the same like I don't get it. Then he tells me as my brain heals like to full, I won't like be so utterly forgetful and I like will make Einstein look like he plays with dolls. Oh whatever you say geezer dude.
So like after like forever and like hugging I think like the whole kingdom which was pretty much the village. I say like cya I'm gonna go home and like get back to my life. All my work peeps missed me and my BBFL. So like beefcake wizard tells me like things have changed that I'm living in the castle down the street now, OMG. Like why dude?? Not like I don't like you ya know but my cat and my gear and my doodads and baubles??? Like all my stuff, like my memories. He's like babe you like totally taken care of now. GASP he like called me babe?? My BBFL tells me to go with him, gives a big ole cuddle hug and tells me she'll come see me tomorrow. I was like ok. I was so totally spent and again like don't remember anything after that. When I wake up I'm like not feeling so fuzzy my poor halfing brain doesn't seem to be as lost. Beefcake is like sitting there staring at and like totally creepin me out. I'm like dude stop staring. He put down the bag of pork rinds he was munchin on and tells me he like can't that like he was like me and now he was like a total beefcake, he was one of those ugly hairy-toed halfling, EWWW so grody to the max, but he was lucky he was born with a whole brain. So his BBFL (best buds for life) like did the same thing my BBFL did and this is how he turned out they even tweaked his brain a little and made him like way smarter than he already was. Then he told me he had met me when I was like way little, back when I had parental units and all. I didn't know if it was cuteness or creepy ya know. I got way cool new clothes and I have Mr. Beefcake ...I think? I don't know. Maybe some day my brain will work and I'll remember all those black holes I have. Til then this chick is gonna treasure this moment and ......
.... Live happily, ever after ...sheesh as if.
Lyric source
Songwriters: Howard Elliott Ashman / Alan Menken
Beauty & The Beast lyrics © Walt Disney Music Company
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