The 600-pound pimp known as LuLu Biggs stood behind a makeshift double doorway at a live studio audience for the talk show Jinkx, named after it’s drag queen host Gabby Jinkx who’s popularity had shot through the roof over the recent difficult months. Biggs was wearing a black mask with a question mark pasted onto the forehead part and looked rather ridiculous as he stood waiting to be announced by the transgender host. His consiglieri and business partner Slick Mick was also wearing a similar mask and was smoking a joint while he waited with his rotund partner in crime. Suddenly the Gabby Jinkx show theme music began to play on the speaker system in the studio and the diverse crowd began to clap and cheer as their host walked out onto the stage wearing an overtop sparkly dress and high heel shoes. Jinkx was covered in heavy makeup, fake eyelash extensions, and flamboyant eye shadow makeup and the fans seemed to love every bit of it. The live cameras were now focused directly on the Host as she began to discuss the theme of the show and introduce her first guests.
Slick Mick: You ready for this bro?
LuLu Biggs: Mother fucker I was born ready.
Slick Mick: Well alright then…
Ms. Jinkx: Hello my beautiful people! I’m your host with the most! Gabby Jinkx! Tonight we delve into the deep dark secret world of Professional Wrestling! America's number 1 watched sport and the most violent form of entertainment in the world today. My first guest tonight and his manager have asked to remain anonymous to shed some light on the scandals in the business and the lengths these men and women are willing to go to come out victorious in this brutal profession. So without further delay, let’s give a warm round of applause for “The Mad Wrestler” and his manager the “Mad Manager”!
The double doors in front of LuLu and Slick swung open and the stage lights beamed in on them blinding them initially for the first few seconds. They then walked out onto the stage to hardcore rap music while getting down to the funky beats being blasted by the studio speaker system. The fans gave them a fantastic greeting as they made their way over to their seating arrangements on the stage all the while busting a move and grooving along. Anyone who was an Ultimate Wrestling fan at this point could probably tell that this was Mr. Biggs and his buddy Slick Mick, but to the general public and those who preferred other competitor wrestling federation’s their true identity eluded them.
Ms. Jinkx: Welcome to the Gabby Jinkx show Mr. Mad Wrestler. We’re so happy you could join us in the studio to talk about the troubling issues plaguing professional combat sports today.
Biggs: Yo! Like it’s an honor to be here on the Gabby Jinkx show. Yea, Yeah! I’ve been a long time fan and it’s about time you got the recognition you deserve girlfriend!
Ms. Jinkx: Ohhh we got a sweet talker in here ladies and gentlemen! Thank you Mr. Wrestler. Now tell us… why are you so mad?
Slick: Why is he so mad?! Why is he so mad?! Tell’em why mad son! Tell’em why you mad!
Biggs: Let, let, let tah… tah… tell you something here Gabby Jinkx! There ain’t no regulations up in this bitch no more! No sanctioned regulatory body overseeing this mother fucking sport. People loading themselves up on War Hammer human growth hormone and taking steroids till their nut’s look like shriveled up raisins!
Ms. Jinkx: Sir this is a family show… will have to bleep you out. Please mind your language. There are children in the audience!
Biggs: When I first got in this game, there was drug testing, and you couldn’t just enhance yourself with pussy ass cybernetics to make yourself into some sort super fighter! That shit didn’t exist in the fucking 1990s!
Slick: You tell’em, brother! They don’t know! They just like watching one mother fucker beat the fuck out of another mother fucker!
Biggs: You know I be in it for the O.G. shit! I don’t… I don’t be recognizing all that Steve Austin Six Million Dollar Man SHIT! The 21st century is ruining combat sports and forcing the rest of us to make tough choices if we want to continue fighting!
Slick: This is an epidemic! Don’t think it won’t affect all yall lives too! Pretty soon every employer in the world’s gonnah want workers with cybernetic enhancements and Hammer industry developed energy drinks to keep you all working round the clock seven days a week as corporate slaves!
Ms. Jinkx: Mr. Mad Wrestler and Mad Manager please calm down! I’m going to ask again that you refrain from cursing on my program. Now some of what you’re talking about has some validity, but if someone wants to enhance themselves to make themselves better that’s their God damn business and not yours! Who are you to tell them what they can and can’t do with their bodies? Huh?
The crowd began to turn hostile against Mr. Biggs and Slick Mick as the hostess attitude toward her guests soured and her body language became sassier. It was clear that this was quite the libertarian crowd and they didn’t like anyone telling them what they could and couldn’t do especially some autocratic governing body.
Ms. Jinkx: Plus the only person I know walking around with cybernetic enhancements is Hammer Industries CEO and owner Jeremiah Vastrix. The man wouldn’t be able to function, let alone wrestle in the ring without his surgical procedures. You want to take that away from him? A sport he loves?
Biggs: How is that the rest of the wrestling world’s problem? Mother fucker is a trillionaire! What’s he even doing wrestling? He’s got a whole massive corporation to run! Mother fucker be gallivanting around the world in super-copters and using that Go! Go! Gadget enhanced dick of his to fuck the brains out supermodels and actresses! No wonder he calls himself God’s gift to women! He's a living vibrator!
Slick: That’s right Jinkxy! It ain’t right! How’s a brother with normal dick supposed to compete with that shit? Huh? What’s the world coming to? There’s a whole black market on the dark web for cybernetic penile enhancements! This shit huge in Eastern Europe right now!
A mixed reaction came over the audience as Gabby Jinkx raised her penciled-in eyebrows up high surprised by her two guest’s accusations. She placed her hands on her hips before raising her microphone to her lips.
Ms. Jinkx: This sounds pretty farfetched boys, you two got any proof?
Slick Mick stood up and unzipped his fly from his jeans and then thrust forward. The blurry pixels blocked the view for television viewers, but for the people in the audience, they were treated to a large cybernetic appendage standing fully erect like a shiny new toy. The audience gasped as many covered their eyes horrified by Slick Mick exposing himself to them all.
Slick Mick: I got your proof right here bitch! This thing cost me twenty mother fucking grand! Worth every penny too! Twice the pleasure receptors and three different settings for your special lady's ultimate pleasure! Vibrate, spin, and gyration!
Ms. Jinkx: Good lord! Put that thing away! What in the hell do you think this is? HBO? You can’t do that on cable television! What the hell is wrong with you two?
Security rushed out onto the stage and tackled Slick Mick to the floor before he could even zip up his pants. The audience jumped to their feet letting out a roar before starting a “Jinkxy” chant as the security guards wrestled Slick Mick into submission and handcuffed him. LuLu laughed as he watched the security team drag Slick away kicking and screaming obscenities about his newly enhanced member. It was clear Gabby Jinkx was pissed by the whole event that had just transpired, but being the professional that she was she pushed on with the show.
Ms. Jinkx: Alright Mr. Mad Wrestler, say I believe you now. What’s your plan to fight against these enhanced opponents?
Biggs: Hey, I’m a grown-ass man! If these mother fuckers are gonna cheat, then bring it! Ain’t no one in the game dirtier than me! I plan to equal the playing field in my own special way! So wrestlers like Jeremiah Vastrix better be on high alert! I’m bringing the kitchen sink!
Ms. Jinkx: Oh really? I think that sounds like a promise ladies and gentlemen!
Biggs: You damn straight!
Ms. Jinkx: Alright well that is all the time we have on today shows for our wrestling segment. Mr. Mad Wrestler thank you for joining us today and pulling back the curtain on professional wrestling. Next time though please leave your manager at home, I think we’ve all been traumatized thanks to him!
The audience members who hadn’t walked out of the studio laughed a bit as the live feed cut for a commercial break. LuLu got up out of his seat and was clearly angry with the host Gabby Jinkx.
Biggs: What the hell? You can’t tackle my manager like that!
Ms. Jinkx: He exposed himself on my show! I can do whatever the hell I want! Now get your fat fucking ass off my stage! I will never have you on here again! Do you hear me! Wait till I talk to my producer! His ass is grass!
Biggs: Oh really! Well, you just lost a lifelong fan Gabby Jinkx!
LuLu Biggs stormed off the stage toward the direction Slick Mick had been carried away fuming mad. The audience watched snickering as the big man waddled quickly exit stage left yelling for security to take the cuffs of his manger.
To be continued on Friday Night Clash 12