One of the most difficult aspects of life is parenting, and the reason for that isn't far-fetched; there are no manuals on how it should be done properly, because what is deemed right by Mr. A might be seen as a taboo for Mr. B, and one of the most debated aspects of parenting is discipline. Different parents have different methods they utilize, which are most likely shaped by their own upbringing, values, and beliefs; discipline is often seen as an act of punishing a child when they misbehave, but for me it goes beyond that, because I see it as an avenue to teach kids responsibility, self-control, and the consequences of their actions and inaction. I see it as more of a way to lead them towards becoming a better person and not someone who fears getting caught.
Growing up, I was in a different style of discipline almost on a daily basis, as I was raised by a bunch of people, some of whom were harsh, others were lenient, and some were in-between which we can also refer to as balance, and in all of these I've come to understand that discipline should be corrective and not destructive in the sense that when we're disciplining a child, it should be aimed at teaching, not to break a child's spirit, and that's what leads us to my approach to disciplining children effectively.
Setting Clear Boundaries: Clarity is one of the most important things I've come to learn that children need. I've been a child myself and know how being disciplined works and the effect it has on one, and why you find yourself as a parent continuously disciplining a child for the same offense is most likely because they don't know what is expected of them, what behaviors are acceptable, and what the consequences are if they go against those expectations; I've been punished repeatedly and find myself doing the same thing and even feel like I'm being unjustly punished. Now I understand that when expectations are clear, discipline would become more of a reinforcement of what is already known than a sudden reaction to actions.
For example, as a teacher, one of the things I do is make sure my students understand the rules and regulations of being a student in my class from day one. I further explain why those rules exist and the consequences of breaking them, and that way, when a child faces discipline, they won't be surprised because they already knew beforehand that what they did was prohibited in my classroom.
Consequences Over Punishment: One of the things I learned from one of the guardians I grew up with was the use of consequences rather than punishment. Although they seem similar, they differ, and I'll tell you how with a scenario.
For example, I remember a few weeks ago when one of my students refused to do his homework. I was wondering what I could do to make him know the consequences of his actions, and ultimately I deprived him of an opportunity to go for break while his mates were playing outside. I took him to my office, not only to make him write the assignment he didn't do, but also to make sure he read it as well. Seeing what I did to him, I remember the next time I gave them an assignment, he was the first to come forward to inform me he had done it because he didn't want to be in such situations like he was the last time. On other occasions, my niece once carelessly broke something in the house, and rather than caning her, I told her she'll take responsibility for what she did, and to do that, her snack allowance to school was reduced for the next two weeks until the money for the items she broke was complete.
And this helps greatly because it's a method that teaches kids accountability rather than fear. In a nutshell, when a child understands the consequences that come from their actions, they'll be more likely to be cautious and think before acting next time.
Communication is a valuable too: Many times most of these children misbehaviour are rooted in frustration, lack of understanding and the likes, so rather than always using the rod on them, we should learn to communicate for often, asking questions like why they did what they did, if it's intentional, if they don't understand the rules and if they're upset about one thing or another, when they feel safe and like you're willing to listen, they'll most likely open upto you and as well listen to what you've to say, so let's learn to communicate more.
Being Consistent: I've come to see many parents ignores their child wrong doing and only react on few occasions, this isn't good at all, we need to learn to be consistent with discipline to make it effective, if you're against lying, then we must always go against it, not encouraged them to do so in saving us and then punish them for lying to us.
In making sure children don't default on the same issues again, below are some of the measures I put in place:
- Reflect with them about what happened and why it's wrong and what they can do differently next time.
- Give them responsibility; sometimes give students and children tasks to do so they can make up for what they did, and this makes them become more mindful.
- Be a role model. Mostly I try as much as possible to be a defaulter of the same thing I'm correcting so that I'll be a perfect example that showcases the way I want them to act. If I want honesty, kindness, and the like, then I must exhibit it in my actions.
Overall, like I said earlier, discipline isn't all about punishing; sometimes it's teaching, and when it's done in the right way and manner, it'll help the children to adjust and grow into responsible individuals.
All photos are mine.