I still remember the first time I became aware of the fact that I was living with anxiety.
I was sitting in the boardroom. We all looked sharp that day, this was an important meeting. The room was full of men, tension, talks of money and deadlines. Suddenly out of nowhere, hot waves of adrenaline started coursing through my body. I felt hot, my ears were ringing, I was dizzy and out of control.
Please don't let me make a scene during this important meeting I prayed. Please don't let me die here in this room I quietly though to myself.
I looked around and realized that this dramatic experience was perfectly concealed.No one had noticed me spinning out of control. It was quite surreal. I took deep breaths and steeled myself through the rest of the meeting. Eventually the symptoms eased and I was utterly exhausted. I left work early and went right to bed. I was worried but didn't want to face what had happened. I had a big project deadline and too many important things to take care of first.
When I look back on this time in my life I can't help but wonder just how many times I had ignored and attempted to suppress my body's warning signals to allow it to become so severe. It seems so absurd to me that I would put other peoples needs and wants before my own health.
It's quite sad that so many of us are walking around concealing our struggles behind a façade of "I'm fine thank you". Even worse is the fact that many of us do not have the empathy to listen and care when others share their struggles.
I was fine for a week or two and then it happened again, and again, becoming more frequent and intense with each episode. Something had opened up inside of me and I had ideas of what it was but I didn't want to admit it. I took myself to the doctors, something I loathe to do.
Anxiety
I was shocked and ashamed to hear the word anxiety associated with me. I prided myself in being a strong person who could get through anything. Anxiety was weak. The doctor offered me medication and when I expressed that I wanted to try to manage it myself, naturally she supported this. So I went home and started learning about what was going on.
After a night of heavy research I called in sick (unprecedented for me). Instead of going to work, I grabbed Mischa's leash and we went for a day long walk in the woods. I had a lot of thinking to do. I spent a good 12 hours that day alone in the woods. I came out of the forest with a new outlook on life.
Quiet the mind and the soul will speak. ~ Buddha
Our bodies are constantly sending us signals and warning signs.
When we are pushing ourselves to constantly please others, life is always going to be stressful. Along the way we get all of these warnings that we are living in a way that is causing ourselves harm. There are all kinds of signals before that big undeniable storm finally sends us reeling.
I think we've become a society that is good at taking pills to mask these symptoms so we can carry on doing what we are doing - wilfully ignoring all of those built in barometers we've been gifted with. It is easier to medicate than it is to take stock of what is really going on and make the necessary changes.
Change is hard. I endured two more anxiety attacks at work before I decided to speak up.
As I was sitting there my nose buzzing and tingling like a thousand bees were flying around inside of it - feeling tormented, I decided to call a meeting with the company owner.
I decided to tell him that I was struggling. This job, was causing anxiety for me and something had to change. I'd worked here for over 12 years. These people were family to me. I was sure that I would get the support I needed.
I did not.
Nothing changed. The meeting was disappointing. There was a lot of uncomfortable silence after I spoke. Then we moved onto talking about one of the projects I was working on and the imminent deadlines. It was terrible and I felt humiliated.
I saw that the only change that would come would be my own doing.
I eagerly tied up my running shoes and raced to the woods every day after work. I could breathe deeply, my shoulders relaxed, my heart felt lighter. The better I felt, the more I wanted that feeling to last. I started to get really mad about how my plea for help was disregarded. The stark contrast between this peaceful time in nature and my time at work was quite profound. Our work environment was really stressful and there was so much negative energy floating around. I didn't want to be here anymore.
They'd received so much from me over the years and yet, in my time of need I was given no concessions - so I took them for myself. I went home at 5PM sharp which was unheard of. I took lunch every day, and left the office. Before this I often ate at my desk while working. Turned off my phone and email after hours. I stopped keeping my struggle with anxiety a secret.
I also continued to go for long walks and spent a lot of time outside. I meditated and did relaxation exercises. My mind turned to herbs and plants and lavender spoke to me the loudest. This plant has been a treasured companion of mine ever since.
At some point I realized that my job and the pressures of always performing 150%, conducting myself how others wanted, was starting to break me. The pressure of living in an environment that I never felt at home had bubbled to the surface and I could not heal myself and continue on this path. I had a choice to make.
Ultimately we ended up leaving the North, our careers, our friends because our entire life priorities changed. We live a simple Earth connected lifestyle now and it nourishes us in ways we had never imagined possible.
Change of this extremity is not always possible and it is certainly not easy but it warrants deep contemplation at the very least.
I've come to see that anxiety has been present in my life before this incident, and it has made itself known since then as well.
This was just the catalyst that opened my eyes. Anxiety is something that I am learning to accept and engage with. It's is a natural reaction, that exists for an important purpose. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to feel anxiety. I struggle with it still and I am always relieved when it leaves the room.
I hope in sharing this, that someone else who is struggling with the stigma of anxiety will see that this is an important way of our bodies communicating to us.
These signals are telling us to stop and evaluate what is going on in our life. This is not the time to push ahead and be "strong". Nothing is so important that you have to sacrifice your personal health. The life experience we are gifted with right now, is not a long one. My recommendation is that you tune in and listen to your body. It knows what's going on better than anyone else can ever hope to.
There are many natural ways to help calm anxiety, and it is different for everyone. I would be lying if I said I had control. I don't. For me, accepting anxiety as a tool for health has been am important part of the process. When I sense symptoms coming on I start taking long walks or at the very least get my self outside. I put myself in a calm place where I can evaluate what is going on and causing me to have this strong reaction.
Nature has been a very strong ally on my journey.
Listening to, taking care of myself and Seeking answers to why a certain event has triggered anxiety is the best therapy I have found. I no longer push it aside for later. When those signals start to fire up, I change what I am doing. I give myself the attention that I need. This was a very difficult thing to learn to do.
Along with relaxation and deep breathing exercises I also keep sprigs of lavender with me, We have it in every room of the house. The simple act of breathing in this plant helps to calm my soul.
I would like to thank 
If you want to find more encouraging posts about anxiety search for the tag #ihaveanxietytoo
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