In the past few months, I have been surrounded by toxicity and negativity. I started to feel demotivated and ended up giving up on the things that I usually do. I never become productive and just do unnecessary things.
I don't know. I just feel like I am tired, especially now that some people around me give me a reason, or, should I say, they became the reason why I became like this. As a 22-year-old, I know that I am not a kid anymore. However, I'm still too young to take on some responsibilities, and I hope that my parents will understand that. That I should decide what I will do with my life, not them. I'm tired of obeying what they want. Well, this is just a breadwinner's feeling, which people like me will understand.
Today, I spend my time sleeping in the morning, and I even skip launch too, just to sleep, sleep, and sleep, and that is what a depressed or stressed person like me needs. To rest their mind from thinking negativity aside from cleaning and doing chores.
Hah! I finally woke up! Afternoon time is what I really like in our province, and I really liked the weather at our place.
Because even though the sun is so hot, you can't feel it because of the strong, fresh winds. Ah! My room is very small, but I really like my room's window because it's so big. Take note that they have never changed this window since when I was still a kid.
I checked the time, and it's 3:45 PM in the afternoon. I don't feel like eating rice, so I just go to the kitchen and make coffee.
Actually, I am not allowed to drink coffee because of my heartburn. But I am so very stubborn, so I sneak in the kitchen sometimes to make coffee.
Well, believe it or not, in our country, the Philippines, Filipinos are still drinking coffee even though the weather is so hot. It became a habit for us to drink hot coffee during the afternoon. Not just coffee; we also wore jackets during hot weather. LOL
And you know what's best when you're drinking coffee? I think it's reading books or anything that you can read as a past time.
Speaking of books, I am not a book lover now. Before, yes. I have a book before that my cousin gifted to me when I turned 18 years old. I started to read it until halfway through and haven't finished the book. (I took the time right now before continuing this blog to look for where I put that book, but I failed to find it.)
Anyway, it's a novel. If I remember it right, the title of the book was "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest" by Stieg Larsson. It's a very nice novel, and I enjoyed reading it, but it was sad because I haven't finished it since I became busy blogging and reading on a platform where I started to earn crypto.
But now I've come back to read a book. This time, it's a book that can heal my wounds inside my heart and soul. I realized that I forgot to read some books, and the only thing that I needed to cure this negativity and toxicity was to read a healer's book. I believed that we could learn some important things when we read books. If no one will say the words that you need to hear to wake you up, try to find some books that can heal you instead.
And so, right now, I am currently reading this book called "A Gentle Reminder" by Bianca Sparacino. According to the print and design, I think this book is not the original, but it has the same contents and chapters. Oh well, I prefer books that are easy to carry everywhere anyway.
Actually, I am very nervous to read this kind of book because it's not my type. I prefer reading novels that have life lessons. Because sometimes, when I read a book like this, I always see it as boring. I always feel lazy and fall asleep. But oh, when I started to read the first page of this book, I started to love it and wanted to continue reading it.
I underlined, using a highlighter, the words that make my heart want to remember them. I mean the words that I need to comfort me.
The right Person will hold your love.
That's right. The right person won't let you go. If they love you, they will stay with you forever. You will know someone is not the right person if they just surrender easily and give up because they can't fight their love for you and find another.
One day, you will be someone's favorite thing.
These words hurt me so much. Because no one dares make me their favorite. Favorite daughter, favorite granddaughter, favorite niece, favorite friend, etc. My role in their lives was just a second, and sometimes, at worst, I am their option when they don't have a choice. But reading the word "one day..." I know that someone will come and make me a favorite person in their lives. It's not now, but I know someday that time will come.
One day, you will understand that It never mattered how tightly you held on to the wrong people.
Maybe this book was right. I never understand why I am still begging, loving, and caring for people who don't even care about my feelings. Maybe, right now, I'm still too young to understand everything. Like what this book stated, I think someday I will understand that everything (including my actions right now) and my past actions are just nonsense things that I did in the past. For now, I think I'll keep it as what I always believed because I'm just being real with my feelings.
The right people were always going to stay.
These words are not new to me. I also keep in mind that the right people will stay with me if they really love me or I am important in their lives. And I think I don't have the right person in my life yet. Maybe my family for now, because they still accept me as their family, and I am too, despite all the actions that I took and the abuse that they threw at me in the past.
I am trying to keep this in mind. I am trying to learn not to invest all my time and love in other people now. I never know if they also feel the same. Being too invested will just hurt my feelings, just like in the past.
How I wish that there were some people who would stay with me in good or bad days of my life.
Do you know someone after reading the words above? Who is the person who came to your mind? I bet we all have this kind of behavior, and I am not the only one. We show that we are strong by pretending that we are all happy in front of other people. But we actually need someone by our side when we can't handle the pain in our hearts and souls anymore.
Just like the words say, "Remember, even the strongest souls get exhausted".
We humans get tired too. Not just other people, but "we," as everyone in this world feels the same. If you think that you have the worst life in this world, how about the people who just live in the street? I remember someone saying that to me. So, never think that you have the worst day or worst life in this world, because we're all the same.
This is so true. Sometimes we are able to show that we are fine. We can give and help other people, but we can't even help ourselves, and we cannot apply those words that we advise to other people to ourselves. Even if we show that we are strong in front of other people, that doesn't mean that we don't need people beside us anymore. We also need love and care from everyone, and we are also human beings who have feelings too. And I hope that everyone knows this.
I hope that the people around us will never become selfish just because they get what they want. They already feel loved and comforted, but that doesn't mean that those people who give them those things will just go away and never ask them the same question. So, if you are done telling your problems and stories to them, ask them the same too. You should ask them if they were fine and if they had a problem too. At the very least, listening to their stories is enough to make them feel better. What is the meaning of friendship and family if we don't help each other? We should not leave behind the people who help us when we are in pain.
I've experienced being abandoned before. After they use me, after they say their problem and if they have something they need, I am just a person that they will remember if they have a problem, but when I am the one who needs something, I don't have someone to talk to or someone who can listen to let out all of the thoughts that I want to let out. As a result, I have been depressed since then.
So it was also important to remember to check on those who helped you during the darkest time of your life.
In the past, I had a boyfriend. This boyfriend of mine is the person about whom I wrote a blog here. He was such a kind person that I felt guilty every day because I thought he didn't deserve a girl like me.
After I read these words from the book, it made me think about our relationship before and wish that I could go back in time and not say "yes" when he asked me if I could be his girl. Because, during that time, I just answered his question without feeling anything. In short, I am not ready to be in a relationship yet, and he really doesn't have a place in my heart.
It became a lesson for me. That I should not love somebody else if I am not ready yet. That's why I became single for how many years, and I am making sure that I am ready to love because I don't want to make the same mistake again. Right now, I'm glad that I have finally moved on and that I am actually falling in love with someone else freely.
So, if you are in love, just be sure that you've already moved on. These words mean that you should not love someone else while you are still grieving over your past relationship. because it will affect your future. Like, who are you to hope for a fairytale love story if you, as you, don't even know how to hold a true love, you don't know how to handle your real feelings, and you don't think about the feelings of your partner?
You like to be treated right, but you didn't even think about how your partner feels when you are still not over your past relationship. Just imagine the pain if they knew that you just made them like bubblegum that you put in the small hole to cover something that made them break.
This is the hardest part for me. Acceptance. That the things that you wanted would not go according to what you planned and wished for. I can't count how many times I cried just for the same reason. But just like what this book says, we need to learn to accept that even the beautiful things will end, that people will leave us, and that all we can do is accept those painful things in life and have closure for that someone who broke us, or find some solution to live freely after the situation that happened to the both of you.
To be honest, after reading these words, it made me think of the future. What if the time comes and someone who makes me feel in love finds the love that he deserves from someone else? It made me feel sad, but I think I need to accept it, as I already knew that this would happen in the future, and I think I need to get ready for it while it's still early. But for now, let me set aside these words first and come back to reading this book again when this has already happened.
And the last words from this book that made me enjoy reading for today is this one,
Actually, I didn't know that I could read the comfort words that I needed so early. This is just the beginning of this book, but I finally found the comforting words that I really needed right now. I can't even hear it from other people, especially from my family.
But you know what? Though this book said that it's okay to take my time and slow down, it's still making me think that I need to rush because of the pressure of seeing my younger cousins graduate from universities one by one now. That's also the reason why I've been demotivated for a long time.
I don't know what to do. I'm still asking myself, "What is my dream?", "What do I really want to become?" and "What if I can't make it?". I have a lot of thoughts and questions in my mind and I thought that I was done with this part of my life already, but nah.
Another thing is that I'm feeling demotivated because I feel jealous of my younger cousins. They are studying in college because of the expenses provided by our aunt. Meanwhile, I need to be independent just to make myself study, but how? If I have some responsibilities that are waiting, and right now they're still pestering me, I can't even use my own money to buy the medicine that I need, and I even still have a loan from someone who helped me when I needed it, and every day, every night, every time, I think of it and feel sorry for that someone because I can't pay on time. Because of this laziness and my depression, I can't even write some blogs and earn money now.
But just like the book says, I am capable of doing something beautiful with my life. Just try something while I am still here.
So I decided to just go with the flow of what I could do and take it slow until the right time came to me, and I hope if that right time comes, I am ready.
CONCLUSION:
I am still at the beginning of this book. I realized a lot of things; it made me think of positivity, and I find comfort in this book. And I think for me, reading the words that you wanted to hear is much better because it feels great when you read them quietly, put those words inside your head, and remember them forever.
If only I was not lazy about reading this kind of book before, I could have a positive mindset just like other educated people. I think they're right. Reading books is important for learning something that you need to know about.
Finally! I have something to do when I feel demotivated. Just reading some books like these will make me feel better.
See you in the next chapters. Thanks for reading!
