It’s not what you are that holds you back; it is what you think you are not.
– Denis Waitley
It’s important to understand that low self-worth isn’t just a feeling, it creates an entire mental atmosphere in which we live, and it defines the possibilities for our thoughts, and limits the solutions and actions that appear to be available to us. Self-worth is a conclusion we derive at after processing information and emotions connected to us. In order for us to survive we need to be able to acquire things and satisfy needs, and we can’t do so if we constantly believe that we are not worthy of this. The difference between the wide perspective of love and the narrow point of view of worthlessness can be the difference between success and failure, and more importantly, the difference between joy and despair.
The first step to learning how to rehabilitate our relationship with ourselves is to understand how did we derive to the beliefs of self that we hold. Before we do that however, we need to get ourselves familiar with the two operating structures we have in store.
The way information is processed and categorized in the brain is trough assigning emotional value to the event. The impulse it’s so strong that it can remain long after the memory itself is lost in the subconscious part. An evidence of this is the various phobias people have and very often cannot explain with a logical concern. Very often, a therapist would suggest hypnosis, which is a procedure that triggers connection with the subconscious mind and the event. Once the connection is established, the even can be revisited and the emotion could be reconciled, allowing the person to express and channel out. In short, emotions are a vital component of our judgement about events, thus they play a key role in constructing self-worth. Broadly, our minds consists of two interconnected domains- the conscious and the subconscious. The conscious mind is the seat of our awareness. It is the aspect of our minds that is “awake”. It is where we entertain all of our thoughts, opinions and where we make our decisions. It also holds and has quick access to our short-term memory. When we remember to pick up milk on the way home from work, this is the conscious mind at work. When we decide we need or want to do something, it’s our conscious mind that controls and directs our movements. So when we need to call our friend, it’s the conscious mind that remembers and picks up the phone. The subconscious, on the other hand, contains everything we are not currently aware of. It holds the memories that are more deeply ingrained than our short-term mental memos. The subconscious holds our oldest and most emotionally charged memories. It also contains all the memories and feelings we have repressed. These are the memories and emotions the conscious mind would find disruptive or too painful to face so they are pushed into the subconscious mind where they lay dormant. This helps us function on a day-to-day basis without being constantly crippled by our old wounds, but as long as they remain unhealed, they are volatile and prone to creating defensive reactions and behaviors. Suppressing emotions is not a good long-term mechanism, because it can cause a severe disruption of our psychological equilibrium. Both domains work in synchrone, despite of the fact that we are very often not aware of the operation the subconscious mind performs. For example, if a child was constantly grounded over the fact that his/her room is messy, the chances for this child to dislike this type of behaviour in others during adulthood is very high. Subsequently, the person may exhibit an adverse reaction or feelings to a circumstance or a person which resembles this emotionally-charged event of the person’s life. This example is to demonstrate the mechanism of operations of both the conscious and subconscious mind. The self-image we design is the procedure of emotional recall which we implement into our judgement. For example, if we recall that when someone raises their voice at us, something bad follows- physical and/or emotional abuse, abandonment, we will be inclined to react in a defensive manner, thus we will develop a greater compliance or resentment towards such events. As a result of the development of such a mechanism to cope with associated emotions we may begin to foster an opinion of ourselves of being weak-charactered, not being able to stand up for ourselves etc. The conclusion which the ego (self-awareness) receives from this intricate cycle of operations is that a person who is not trying to defend themselves in an event of a turmoil is a person who is not worthy of being defended.
What I have learned from the extensive amount of time I spent in self-reflection and introspection is that a person would benefit the most from assessing their situation from the perspective of an observer. Only when a person is emotionally detached they are able to clearly see what is the issue, how it started and what we need to do about it. It is important for one to remain the emotional state of neutrality regarding events and to evaluate them from a 3rd person perspective. Eventually, he/she will be able to establish were the norm and pathology of the emotional response overlaps. As an end result this person will be able to have a clearer understanding of the reason for our behaviour and self-awareness. My advice is to not neglect the possibility for professional help in the event such evaluation is not possible. The important part is that you are searching for yourself. This is the motivation that will get you to your end goal of self-love.
Valerie Jambrovic