Last Friday marked the one year "anniversary" date of my auto collision and to say the day passed without little remembrance is an understatement.
Since that day I have been through dozens and dozens of doctor appointments, four months of physical therapy, counseling for anxiety and depression, tests (MRIs, CATscans) and endless hours of my life I will never get back; and let's not get started on the physical pain and discomfort that reminds me every single day of that life altering event.
Yesterday was the first day I left my home in nine days. YES! Nine days!
Most people who know me, even if just through steemit posts and Discord chats, know I am a homebody. They know I am happiest at home. I despise traffic, crowds and commotion. So home is my comfort zone where I have complete control over my surroundings. No one can hurt me here.
But yesterday I had to venture out. I had a counseling appointment to keep; where I talk about the auto collision, sift through my emotions and tackle not only anxiety of driving, but also take the reins of working through the five steps of grief.
As soon as my counselor, Pauline, asked me how the last two weeks were... I spouted off that I am at a loss and just feel it's best to settle for what my life has become. Never wanting to leave the house. Never wanting to drive. Never wanting to see a red semi-truck in my rear view mirror. Never wanting to not feel in control of my own fate. So many nevers, and giving up on having my old life back.
You know...
- Being able to complete my gardening tasks pain free
- Being able to do regular daily chores without discomfort in my left shoulder, upper back and neck
- Being able to walk the dogs for more than a mile every day where I am ache-free
- Being able to work inthe homestead kitchen without my left hand and fingers being numb
- Just one day where I am not reminded of that day
Bless her... she let me have my angry tirade and eruption of emotion.
She told me it is OK to settle for where my life is at, If I am satisfied with that.
So am I satisfied?
No I am not, but I feel as if I am losing an uphill battle.
Fighting my own auto insurance company for coverage to pay for medical bills. Arguing with my insurance adjuster to approve tests. Realizing that nothing will give me back my old life and ways, except ME!
Then These Quotes Came To Mind...
Don't ever settle for less than you deserve, because once you start to settle you always will
Unkown
Know your worth. Know the difference between what you're getting and what you deserve
Unknown
The Continued Fight(s)
I will continue to fight for...
- My insurance to pay my bills
- What makes me happy
- Knowing nothing can change this situation but me
- Getting through all five steps of grieving
- Trying to get through one day without a reminder
No one ever said this was going to be an easy, or quick, process; and I have the control of which direction I take mentally and emotionally. While some days are harder than others, I have not given up on myself to get through this.
This post was made from https://ulogs.org