I've never been a big believer in God. My logical mindset means I have to see it to believe it. But today I got on my knees by the side of my bed, clasped my hands as tight as I could and with tears rolling down my face made my first attempt to ask/beg God for help.
I asked him to look after every person I've ever hurt emotionally, to give them the strength to be at peace from the suffering I've caused them and to help them see that the harm I caused was never intentional or a reflection of how little they may have felt I cared for them.
To help them see that I never wanted to cause them the pain that I did.
I asked him to help them find happiness and the strength to keep me out of their lives so that I couldn't hurt them in the future.
I asked him to help my siblings forgive each other so that my mum isn't hurt further by their avoidance with each other and so that my young nieces can grow up together.
I asked him to give me the strength to hold on till after my mums 60th birthday.
I asked him to give my loved ones the strength to cope with my death and not allow it to destroy their lives.
I asked him to allow me to die so that anyone I was destined to meet in the future will be spared that torture.
and lastly I asked if he wouldn't allow me to die yet that he give me the strength to isolate myself from others so that I don't affect anyone new.
I hope he exists and heard me but if anyone else has a better connection with him I'd appreciate you trying to get the above messages to him.
Be kind, always
Sharky
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