A few months after I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, I became pregnant again. It was a shock as I was utilizing proper birth control however any woman knows fertility is at its prime immediately after birth. So it was scary. We knew we were not ready, prepared mentally or situationally, or financially capable of having a newborn on top of our already difficult(but amazing) and colic-y infant. I suppose the universe knew this just the same, and things happen as they do. We were told that I was bleeding heavily and the loss of our baby was inevitable and they can only speed up the process to prevent further suffering and help make for a less traumatic experience. So that night I cried myself to sleep, in pain both physically, mentally, and emotionally. It was a much, much colder winter for me that year. How do you say goodbye to a Baby whose heartbeat you've heard? A baby you've seen wriggling around in the photos on a sonogram. A baby you have felt inside you. The pain does fade to a sort of ache and at times, strange enough, even a slightly happy, loving remembrance of the child I never met.
A small piece of my heart died with that tiny little baby. And I'll never get it back. But I am sure of these things. Everything happens for a reason, even though at times I'm unsure why this was in the plan the universe laid out for me. But I have faith. And an angel baby looking out for me. There is times, however, I am plagued by the what-ifs. And I'm not sure if those what-ifs will ever subside. What he/she would have been like. What they would have looked like. Would I have had a little boy or another little girl? But I know that with the challenges Mikayla has faced with her ADHD, there were and still are time she needs all of me that I am able to give. And I love my little girl a little harder, as best I can, and love her extra in the name of the sibling she never got to meet. And especially now that I have separated from her dad. So if those are the only silver linings, I need to embrace that. I am not completely at peace, but I am continuing on my healing journey. I know Mikayla will become an amazing young woman. And I know Manny and I will someday bring a wonderful little boy or girl into this world. But there isn't a day that goes by that I won't love and remember my angel baby that I loved and carried but that I never got to hold in my arms <3