This article has been on my mind for a while now. More than two years in fact, the date I gave birth to my daughter. Now that I have more perspective with this new pregnancy, I feel like writing down the experience I had of the "most catastrophic childbirth contest".
The closer the term of my first pregnancy approached, the more I was entitled to stories of childbirth. Sometimes positive, sometimes a little less. But I didn't mind listening to them. On the contrary, I knew that you had to be prepared for any eventuality during delivery. Sometimes things go as planned and sometimes not, it's life!
But even then, when I was surrounded by women who were already mothers, the stories of childbirth took a strange turn in their mouths. As if it were necessary to insist on the negative, even catastrophic, in order to gain importance. And it was bothering me.
After My Delivery
As you may know, I didn't have an easy childbirth. But it's part of my life and it's my personal story.
From the beginning of visits to the maternity ward, the women of the family went there with their comment. I, who only needed to rest and mourn my fantasy birth, had to listen again and again to each other's stories.
But the moment when it really annoyed me was when they made me enter the most difficult childbirth competition in spite of my situation: "Okay, you may have been suffering for hours, but at least, unlike me, had the epidural!
Excuse me, but when is it an honor to have a complicated delivery? When are we allowed to compare the incomparable?
So that's it, then? Childbirth must be an initiatory rite of suffering where each person must carry her cross?
I'm sorry, but I certainly don't share that mind-set.
If you want a small anthology of the reflections I heard, here is a gift.
• A cesarean is still really less painful than an episiotomy, I could not sit for weeks so you're in luck!
• No, but what she's complaining about, she may have had an epidural! I gave birth in just two hours, as much to tell you that the epidural was no! "
• "she's in pain when her baby weighed only 3 kg, I pulled out a 4 kg leg without episiotomy!"
A little kindness!
This is because we do not know each person's experience or tolerance for pain. One woman may choose to give birth without an epidural when it would be inconceivable for another. Why? We're all different!
Then we don't know the anatomy of the person. Maybe her extra soft collar and extensible vagina will let out the "leggings" while another will need ten episiotomy points.
Finally, we don't know what state of mind the young mother is in. Personally, I was disappointed with my Caesarean section, I took a long time to admit it (it’s a long time, I think). So I couldn't stand to hear people telling me that it wasn't a big deal. For me right now, it was. I just wanted to be told that it was okay to be disappointed, that it would fade over time, that I had the right to feel absolutely everything I wanted without feeling guilty.
If a mother-to-be tells me that she is afraid of pain, I will try to reassure her as I did for a friend: yes, you may suffer, but giving birth will make you stronger than you didn't even expect. I do not think we should truncate reality or make it more beautiful than it is. But if instead of insisting on postnatal pain, we were also trying to talk about emotion when we saw our baby for the first time or about this midwife who was very funny!
Childbirth is not a competition for pain
What else is that supposed to mean? That a woman who gives birth without pain, where everything goes perfectly well, is not legitimate?
It's also rather useful of a discussion that I had between mothers, one of whom had a normal childbirth, without complications. Well, she had a withdrawal attitude, her eyes down, nothing to say. It is as if she was at fault that everything went well and that she did not take part in the heart of the fight.
I had three friends who got pregnant before me. Well, all I wished them was a perfect birth. No, I didn't wish them pain, a pond of droppings that makes them uncomfortable at the time of the push, or suffering for hours walking down the maternity corridors to get the job done.
These three friends were primiparous. And of course, they asked me in detail how my delivery went. I told them it was difficult. Some preferred not to know more. Others did. But in any case, this must be respected.
Of course, I'm not so negative! I know that between moms it is sometimes funny to tell each other about the fails of childbirth, (on this subject I advise you this fabulous guide). But between having fun with the little glitches and embarrassing situations and comparing your childbirth with another person, it's not the same thing. It is above all a question of gauging one's interlocutor; it is obvious that we are not going to give the same speech to an anxious mother-to-be.
Deep down, I hope to be a special case and that the women around you know how to show kindness.
I don't know about you, but I didn't get a medal when I left the maternity ward.
What about you? Did you hear or receive guilt speeches about an easy childbirth? Do you have any advice for pregnant mothers in this situation? Tell us everything!