What do I fear?
Fear is a shape-shifter, that stands as a formidable guardian of the threshold in our minds. Most of the time we tug tail and run back, afraid to explore the unknown. Facing our fear often means having to let go of something dear to our hearts or shedding things we identify with or as that keep us from growing as individuals.
Facing my shadow self, was the hardest journey I ever had to take. Traveling the rabbit hole of my own subconscious mind to unravel the decades of fears that I had swept under the rug, was terrifying. I decided to take this deep conscious journey of meeting and facing myself because, in my waking life, I had real challenges I was facing.
I had real monsters in my waking life, so it wasn’t surprising that in the dreaming, I would have to face my shadow in all its terrifying forms.
I was raised in a strict Christian home and so as a child, I feared everything especially the eternal fires of damnation. It didn’t help that I had a vivid imagination and could see things around people that were often terrifying.
Every night I would hide under the covers praying to Jesus that he would protect me. But it only got worse over the years. I couldn’t watch a horror movie because I was living it every day.
Fast forward, I married when I was young and had three children. My marriage was not a happy one, my ex-husband was abusive physically and verbally, but so was my father. However, I was raised that once you get married it is for life. To share a phrase my mother often said to me, it is better to be with the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.
Despite these challenges, I finished high school and went on to have a successful career and for the outsider looking in, I lived a good life. Even my children were unaware of the abuse that happened under the roof we shared, for many years.
Eventually, the decades of emotional suppression, triggered terrible migraines, vertigo and panic attacks. Attempting to drown out the pain, I turned to alcohol and it eventually cost me my career, I was diagnosed with bipolar mania and events in my life took a turn for the worse. I found it hard to function in the real world.
As the serpent sheds its skin, layer upon layer of identities that were bearing down on me was being stripped. Health was the first to go, then money, my career, and shortly after my faith. Friends no longer wanted to hang out with me, one after another the dominos began to fall. Until a series of unexplained events in 2012 happened that I could no longer remain in New York. I had to leave or die.
What was I willing to let go of?
I knew very well that to fertilize and birth my present and future, I would have to sacrifice my past. My change had to be radical, nothing less would suffice. In 2012, an opportunity arose for me to leave for Maryland. I only had a ticket and thirty dollars in my pocket. I had no idea if the person I was going to meet, would honor their promise to shelter me and I wondered how long their generosity would last.
However, I could no longer remain in New York. No longer could I accept the abuse, I was tired of the fighting, my children were in college and had jobs, so it was time to take a chance.
I remember that day still. Rain started to descend, and the weather was cold that morning. I grabbed a small backpack with enough clothes and all my important documents. Inside the voices in my head clamored as one, you have gone mad, you don’t know this person, what are you doing?
Even my body stood in complete rebellion over my decision, my joints were stiff, and each step felt as if I was walking on sharp glass. But I was determined to get to the bus station even if it meant I had to crawl, and so I willed my body to cooperate until I made it to my destination in Manhattan.
Knots had formed in my stomach and my breathing was difficult. Finally, the time had arrived to board the bus and taking my ticket out, I grab my seat, and as the bus drove towards Maryland, it felt as if I was experiencing a rebirth of sorts.
Having already experienced a near death experience, I no longer feared death. I welcomed it as an old friend even if my body wasn’t quite in agreement with my decision.
As I made my way to Maryland, I wondered, who am I?
I could no longer identify as a daughter, my parents rejected me because I chose to go outside of their chosen faith, I was leaving my husband, and my daughters didn’t approve of my choice to leave their father. I had no job, no money, and no friends. I was entering unfamiliar territory and as frightening as that was, it was a gift in disguise. It allowed me to create life my way, on my own terms.
Even now when I start to cling to something, life finds a way to remind me to drop anchor inside of me and keep it there.
Who am I?
I am not my body because cells die, and new ones take their place during each cycle they are programmed to. I am not my beliefs, because those change and evolve as my consciousness and awareness does. Everything else is transitory, dies, changes or evolves into something new.
Who am I? I am breath. I am this moment that dances into the next expression. I am expression that never stands still but is always flowing amid the waves of breath, light, and sound.
I am, this flow coalesced and crystallized as expression. I am never the same, I am always changing.
When you realize that, you are free to simply be.
How do I deal with fear?
My first step was to walk away from the abuse and my past. Once I was able to let go of my past and begin the process of healing, the next step was to deal with my childhood fears. So I started to read and watch horror films to face my fears and eventually the fears began to dissolve. As part of my daily meditations, I would visualize my inner demons and rather than run, I would start a conversation. This process was not easy as my inner shadow was not kind, it was angry and rightly so but I was motivated to heal and so I continued.
I also made it a daily choice to no longer suppress my emotions or pretend not to hear my thoughts. Experience has taught me, that my thoughts are my emotions speaking to me. During meditation, I would listen and express whatever I was feeling and thinking through writing and sketching.
Any emotion I felt, I would treat it, as if it were a child seeking my full and undivided attention. It didn’t matter to me how playful or dark it was, I allowed its expression to bleed on the pages of my journal or sketchpad.
The monsters that once terrified me as a child were now my friends. I even noticed that my outer life was more peaceful, loving and my experiences richer and more delicious.
Fear is no longer my enemy it is the voice of my lizard brain warning me of a boundary it desires not to cross.
I feel the fear deeply and offer it my strength and as I do, I gaze deep into the formidable eyes of my guardian that stands by the threshold of all my desires and smile – because it is only a reflection of me. I am all of it and nothing and even if by some small chance, I do run away, I laugh, forgive myself and smile.
Why? Because I am the holy fool, and this world is my garden of dreams, it is yours and mine to explore, play and be. It is all you and me, and life is our dance.
