I spoke with my nurse friend on Tuesday night...my voice went out Sunday, when she heard the state of my voice she was worried. She did a little research and called me back yesterday to get my ass into the hospital to see if the tumor was cutting off my windpipe> I didn't want to go b/c I have been to ER about 8 times over last 2 months, and I think the VA is fobbing me off on the emergency health system. But I went because I trust her(and b/c there are other conditions, see next paagraph).I get there, and they do another CTscan. Yes the tumor is still growing but it isn't close to cutting off air supply; what is likely is that it is impacting either my vocal cords or the nerves associated with them. An xray suggests that the cancer has metastasized into the lungs. Happy Happy Joy Joy.

So over the last week, I have:

• lost my appetite ( a huge, like my belly, indicator something ain't right
• been nauseous
• lost a lot of focus
• become clumsy as hell ( have fallen three times, tripping over everything)
• cant type worth shit (spent more time fixing typos than actual time writing)
• gotten nasty heartburn, come close to yakking bile everytime I bend over, in fact yakked up bile climbing out of hot tub
• developed annoying cramps un back muscles and leg tremors
• weaker all around
• fully lost grip right hand

I hit my low point Sunday night with a panic attack that lasted two hours, had another one Monday for about an hour, headed a third one off yesterday. I think a back cramp set off the panic attack as a dew thoughts crossed my mind
Is this how the rest of my life going to be like?
Are they going to get off their procedural asses ang cut this thing out before I die?
Have I lost the ability to get through this with cheer and grace, or at least cheer and grace as I see them?
I just kept breathing 4count in 4 count out, didn't feel like it was working but I kept at it
Same thing Monday, every damn thing I saw or heard made me sad. Deep breathing over time, plus trying little possible things like the AC fixed it

Third time , as IO felt it come on, I said Fuck you, g******** basrird, I know how to kick you ass, and it fucked off obligingly.

Fight those feelings

From Dune

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Here are different things that can help

• MUSICA
  
  This song is good for defiance and general badassery, esp.about 3 minutes in. I like it so much that I have used it here at least 4 times now
  
  This song screams I fucked up but life is still good from the contrast in beat and lyrics. Same type of vibe in this one
  
  On these happy/sad songs take the happy, piss on the sad
  
  Hou can always move onto happier songs
  
  Selena is one of the defining limits of* this chick is hot*. Besides this song is happy bouncy...
  Each time
  Each time that I see him go by
  My heart goes crazy
  And begins to pound and beat
  And it becomes excited(it becomes excited)
  It no longer reasons
  I can't control it
  And it becomes excited (it becomes excited)
  It no longer reasons

And it begins to sing to me
It sings to me like this, like this

[Chorus:]
Bidi Bidi Bom Bom (Bidi Bidi Bom Bom)
Bidi Bidi Bom Bom (Bidi Bidi Bom Bom)
Bidi Bidi Bidi Bidi Bidi Bom Bom
Bidi Bidi Bidi Bidi Bidi Bom Bom
Each time
Each time that I hear him speak
Even my legs tremble
And so does my heart(and my heart does the same)
And it becomes excited(it becomes excited)
It no longer reasons
I can't control it
And it becomes excited(it becomes excited)
It no longer reasons And it begins to sing to me
It sings to me like this, like this

[Chorus]

When I hear this song
My heart wants to sing like this

[Chorus]
Good memories of spinning a little morena around the dance floor. If I tried to dance now, I'd trip and fall on her lol

Another bonita
Lyrics are happy and sing of freedom

:Let's dance
Tonight
Let's enjoy
Until the morning
Rio, I cry if I want
How much I longed for your freedom
Look, see? Dreams do exist, my friend
Freedom
Today we are going to dance
Tonight, tonight
Let's dance (let's dance)
Tonight (mm, tonight)
Let's enjoy (let's enjoy)
Spend the morning (until the morning)
Let's dance

This one is about getting the best of life

Moving back into American(not English, damnit)
Happy and bouncy

music doesn't always work. On Monday, these songs were making me sad

• Defiance
  Because FUCK YOU, that's why
  I'm not going to let bullshit define my life. I'm not a cancer survivor nor victim niether. I'm an ass kicker of cancer, no matter what little tricks it wants to play.
  Being stubborn and independent minded might cost you some success in life, life being determined a lot by socialbility, but it comes in handy in times like this. I don't recommend living in obstinance, but I've done it most my life
  

• Do little things to help
  turn down the AC, put on another blanket, look at naked chicks on the intertubes, make some tea
  Liltte successes build bigger ones if one thing dont work, another might. Live in hope, but work at is as best you can

• tactical breathing
  4 count in 4 count hold 4 count out4 count hold repeat
  you might feel a little short of breath doing this, so move to in/out if you start doubting,or a 3 count, or use an extra sec on breathe out. mess with it now to see what worksso when you need it you know what works. deep breathing is good for body and mind, and it takes you mind offa whatever bullshit you're dealing with

• DROGAS
  The doc put me on 5 days of oxycodone. getting rid of that constant pain helped refill my courage bowl so much. Just don't let yourself get lost in it. I wait for the pain to peak it's frigging little head up before I hit my next dose

Birdy Birdy on the window sill
singing like a daffodill
first i feed him crumbs of bread
then I smash his frigging head

plus it can be interrupted. While I was writing all this out, I was on a happy oxy ride. I watched my mom fall down, You bet there was an adrenaline rush as I ran out to check on her.that rush killed the oxy and my friggen arm started hurting again, but no dose til the next scheduled one. Mydad took her to the ER, so I hope shes ok,theyre no back yet(we are the house of the walking wounded).
I'm glad he's here, coz shed never listen to me about going to ER (I got my stubborn streak somewhere lol)

• friends and family
  Wome family came down this weekend. damn good coz I could tell them about the cancer and prep them for supporting my mom when I finally tell her(not saying shit until there is a definite treatment plan, no
  use in worrying her til then. She knows something is up, after all there is a big lump sticking out of my neck). We got some good laughs in. An adolescent raccoon walked up on us and started rooting through the empty beer cans whil we cheered his brazen ass on. He walked up under my brother. Then he walk up underneath my cousin's chsir and started sniffing his ass. Good for another round of laughter. When he started chewing on my cousin's shoe, it was time for him to go. I started chucking empty beer cans at him, but he just played with them. We all went inside after that. I was next in line and I was barefoot. no want chewie on big toe.

FWIW, I wasn't drinking due to all the different meds. We went in with a final salute to the coon, and watched this movie:

Best movie I've seen in 3 years with laughs at the right spots.

I have a friend in NY. She used to be a nurse. I talk to her every coupla weeks and she is always helpful in understanding the medical process and emotional support. She was planning on coming down and playing Angel of Mercy and take care of some of my baser needs. Now I'm wondering if I should check with some of my other lady friends and see if any of them would like to give me Deathbed Head

refill your courage bowl

I Subscribe to John Mosby's (Mountain Guerilla) Patreon. He puts out a solid 3-4 posts a week.A great SHTF resource. One of this week's posts dealt with courage. He spoke of courage as a diminishing resource, that you CAN run out ofI mjust ran out on Sunday/Monday. He also makes the point that you can refill that bowl.The things I speak of in this post can help you fill the bowl of

I'll finish with this point of Mosby's; the boel doesn't refill itself. I'll use the example of the Thai divers that rescued the trapped scouts a coupla years ago. Nobody just puts on a wetsuit and cav3e-dives in na storm without knowing how to do it. I can imagine the fear that must be beat to push yourself through tight passages in a hostile dark environment. No. it takes experience in doing these things to have the confidence to do them when it counts . Likewise, you'll never get good at fighting unless you fight. You must place yourself in ever greater danger to have a hot steamy bowl of courage ready to draw from.