So, today was like any other day. You got some good sleep, got up, showered, dressed, had breakfast and got to work on time. Your work day was good and uneventful, and you're looking forward to a relaxing evening with maybe your favorite beverage and show. But on the drive home someone cuts in front of you and you tap the back of their car. The damage is minimal, and everyone is safe, but you're fuming. You exchange information and get home and the only thing on your mind is that idiot who ruined your day and almost caused a serious accident because they were probably messing with their phone instead of paying attention to what they were doing. You sit down to watch your show and drink your drink, but something is different. You aren't relaxing at all. Your mind is occupied with the accident on the drive home and suddenly it seems as though it's the biggest part of your day. Almost as if nothing else happened all day long.
If something similar to this has happened to you before, you're definitely not alone. I'm certainly no exception. I can tell you with 100% certaintly that if the above scenario had happened to me ten years ago I would have lost my mind. I would have been thinking about it for days afterward, feeling annoyed and frustrated the whole time. It made me miserable and, by extension, those around me because I had this terrible tendency to really fixate on the bad in things when they happened. My grandmother would always ask, "well, what about all of the other stuff that went right - doesn't that count for something?" to which I would always say, yeah, up until it went wrong, and the go on continuing to steam about it for however long it took for me to move on or for something new to replace it. I saw the toll that it was causing to me and my loved ones and I didn't like it at all. I resolved to find a way to start changing things. So this led me to the question, "why do I focus so much on the bad things and let them dominate my thoughts?"
So why do we focus so much on the bad?
Humans are blessed with amazing brains, no doubt. But, unfortunately, our brains have several shortcomings and biases which tend to cause problems and get us into trouble. For example, during crisis situations people often do the worst possible thing because their brain doesn't go into fight or flight mode but, rather, the third and lesser known response, freeze. This explains why some people get the deer-in-the-headlights look when facing certain demise, with onlookers wondering why they just don't step out of the way of that oncoming train. It seemingly makes no sense at first, but it is a remnant from our ancient past. We can see this in prey animals to this day. They freeze when they sense a predator in hopes that they might go unnoticed and the danger will pass them by.
Another "defect" our brains have is the negativity bias. This basically means that we have a disproportionate memory of the bad events in our life compared to the good things. You might go on an amazing camping trip with the family as a child, have the literal time of your life, and twenty years later you only remember how you burned your fingers making 'smores. I'm sure something similar has happened to most people and, at least in the case of burns, it seems to make sense that we would remember it. Obviously remembering that fire hurts is a good piece of knowledge if we hope to live a long and healthy life. But why do we also have a tendency to remember the negative in things which aren't necessarily a matter of safety. What possible reason could there be for holding onto these things and playing them in our minds over and over again. Why do we continue to beat ourself up for hours or days after we gave a bad presentation, after we disappointed a loved one, after we fell short of our goals? The answer is basically the same as why we remember that fire can kill us - self preservation. We spend so much of our mental energy remembering things what went wrong - we ruminate - so that we can analyze the situation to see where we went wrong. It's our brain's way of making sure that we don't repeat that mistake again because it stresses us and can have negative consequences if repeated again. The trouble with our brain is that is hasn't really evolved to acknowledge the difference between different levels of importance. This is why it is often the case that we ruminate so much over things which don't have even a small chance of killing us or even injuring us. Our brain is simply wired to remember and highlight things which could negatively affect us so that we can avoid repeating them in the future.
So why should we stop?
It's certainly important to reflect on the things which go bad in our life and endeavor to not repeat them again. But it is really easy to go overboard and become almost obsessive about it. This is clearly a problem since it will greatly affect our quality of life and, by extension, those around us. And all the while it is doing nothing to improve our life. If anything it makes things unequivocally worse and makes us averse to things which have the potential to be good and enjoyable, only because we had that one bad experience. For example, I had a friend who rode a motorcycle for years without issue. Then one day he had a minor accident. Now he has given up riding forever. I asked him why and it's because he has ruminated over it so long he has talked himself out of it. He gave up something he really loved because of one mishap out of hundreds of rides. Now, some of you might argue that motorcycles are inherently dangerous and that it was his survival instinct talking, and I'm not going to argue that. The point is he let that one experience ruin something good for him despite so many good experiences. That is very much like focusing on that fender bender on the drive home when literally everything else went right that day. Letting that one negative thing sour something for you and poison your mood and mindset. Ruminating on negative experiences is one of the worst habits we can get into and it is a very hard one to shake because it is so ingrained into our psyche. But it can be done, with practice.
Looking back at the Toby from ten years ago I wish I could just say, "Chill out, man. It was a minor thing, no one got hurt and it could've been so much worse. That driver might not have been paying attention, but you were, and now you get to go some safely and spend time with your loved ones. Enjoy that drink. Enjoy that show. Relax and get ready for another good day tomorrow. 99% of what happens is good. And when something bad happens, acknowledge it. Learn from it. But never let it get a choke hold on your happiness. Never let your life be defined be those rare bad moments when there is so much good all around you." But I guess I needed to go through those rough times, experience them, reflect on them, and grow from them to get where I am today. Rather than feel bitter for it I feel thankful. And I have to say, that is a far better outcome.