Having so many interests makes it hard to make up my mind on how to build my blog. I am so chaotic that I can’t even start to make a list with my interests. Well, as a person with many issues (in my head), I like self-help books. Most of my issues are the result of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable father while I was growing up. I don’t have a problem talking about this as long as I know that I can help others with what I’ve learned from his absence.
Introduction:
My father was always there physically. Getting up in the morning, drinking his coffee, going to work, coming back home, asking me how school was while eating dinner, watching TV and going to bed. Every day the same. Never showed interest in me, my problems in school, my interests, my emotions. Never bought me a bike, never took me to the cinema, never took me skiing… There is no need to list the activities a father should do with his daughter/son – he did nothing to show interest in me. Financial problems and fights between him and my mother led me to realizing I don’t even need him emotionally. My mother was always a 200% there for me, she tried to compensate for everything my father never gave me. Thinking about all this led me to writing this post, analyzing the importance of the father/daughter relationship.
Relationships:
Needless to say, the role of the father is extremely important in the lives of all people, both men and women. Our father gives us security, limitations, self-confidence. In women, the relationship with the father is the one that determines how successful our relationships will be with other men in our lives. A girl’s experience of parental love with her dad pretty much serves as the model to what male love is all about, and if it’s a positive experience, she’ll do better later in life. The father/daughter relationship shapes the daughter’s conscious and unconscious perceptions of what she can expect and what is acceptable in a romantic partner.
It is important to understand and realize Freud's statement that in the life of a woman, the father is the first love (symbolically). The daughter carries her father's image over to the man she loves. If the dad was a decent father, he was gentle, aware of the physical and psychological needs of his daughter, the woman would most likely seek and attract a psychically healthy, calm man of the same character with whom she could continue to live the same way. But not all women had such a father. I am 25 and haven’t had many relationships behind me but all of them were a complete nightmare. I always picked the not-caring, self-centered guy who was never interested in my feelings, interests. And lacking self-esteem stopped me from saying what I want, expressing my emotions was a taboo for me, I always thought nobody cared what I think. I still have this issue but I am working on changing it and building up my confidence. At least, I changed my attitude towards men. I found the one and I am not scared to speak up and state my opinion, to say what I want in life.
Self-esteem:
All these years of growing up, not having a man to turn to, a man to protect me, a man to give me advice, stopped me from building my self-esteem. I had friends talking about their fathers, admiring them, sharing stories from trips and, well, I had nothing to share.
“My dad told me he would buy me a car once I turn 18.” – a friend of mine told me.
„My dad is raising money for my education.“ - Umm, okay.
I couldn’t say the same about mine. I graduated from high school, found a job, I got accepted in one of the best universities in my country, started putting aside money to buy my own car. It worked pretty well. My driving skills are not the best, though. :)
Result: Independence. I realized that not having a caring father helped me realize that I need to work hard to achieve the things I want. This is helping me today – knowing that whatever I need I can work for it and I don’t need a man to help me get it.
“What is important to the children in the long run and what most heavily affects children's current and future behavior is the long term parent 'residue' within the children that is encapsulated within the children's retrospective perceptions of their parents," - Women and Their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life, Victoria Secunda
So…
You will survive:
It is all about a daughter's perception of her father's involvement and not the facts of his involvement. After reading some books and analyzing my mother/daughter and father/daughter relationships, I began to realize that while growing up I needed my father to be more reliable, but I got used to his emotional unavailability and started building up my own self-esteem. All of this, got me thinking that no one should need someone to help them grow, to help them build self-confidence, help them see the beauty in life. All of us should find the beauty in ourselves, we should find the strength to go through life’s obstacles on our own.
If I could pass along a message to all of you out there who’ve felt the pain and shame of a poor father/daughter relationship, the message would be in five parts:
- It’s not your fault. You were just a kid. All kids deserve to be loved and protected. Don’t blame yourself for what your father did or didn’t do.
- Talk about it. By sharing our wounds we open up our hearts and the healing happens.
- Try to see that you are important. You can grow with the strength inside of you. No help needed.
- Learn that not every man out there is like your father. Give them a chance to prove themselves
- Love yourself. You are a gift. Nothing would be the same if you didn't exist.
Thank you for reading!
Sources:
MedicalDaily
Bionevroemocia
SheKnows
Images:
Pixabay
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