Irresponsible
Last weekend I passed my driving exam, which I was (am) super happy with and which I also already told you about. The first thing I did the next Monday was go to one of those offices where they handle papers and documents and applied for my drivers license. It takes about five days to process, so Friday we left a little early from work to make it to the office in time, and just 5 minutes before 6 pm (closing time) I ran inside and collected my license. And then I did something which, looking back, was pretty irresponsible: I sat behind the steering wheel and drove us home.
Awkwardly unacquainted
In Netherlands, the only legal way to get driving experience is during your driving lessons, in those cars with an extra set of pedals and mirrors for the driving instructor, and with a big sign on top telling everyone that you're still learning to drive. I don't know how this works in other countries, but here it means I literally had zero experience driving in any car except the one I used during my lessons. That was a Volkswagen Golf, with a diesel engine. The car I drove off in after collecting my license was a Suzuki Swift, with a regular petrol engine. And they are very different. While driving home I realised that the car I've been riding along in for quite a while now, was very alien to me. And looking back I honestly think it was a very bad idea that I drove us home, without really being able to handle that car at all.
Nerve-wrecking
Apparently, a diesel and a petrol engine work quite differently. I'm not talking about the technical details here, just the user experience. With the diesel one, I would only use the clutch to get the car moving, it wasn't even required to use the gas pedal till I wanted to make more speed. With the petrol engine, I have to sync the clutch and the gas, so that there's already some power building in the engine when the thing 'clutches'. And this syncing is a rather subtle thing.
Driving away from where we were parked for collecting the license, it was raining and my husband had parked the car tightly and I had to scoot the thing in and out before having space to drive off. Which means I had the engine turn off a zillion times because there was zero subtle syncing happening from my side. And before I even managed to get out of there I was quite nervous how the ride would be. And at every stop the engine quit on me, and I got very restless and was not driving safely anymore, switching lanes last minute without even thoroughly checking if I had the space and stuff like that. And the city traffic was very busy and people were honking at me and my husband got nervous too.
Monday morning
The thing is, I was planning to drive to the office by myself, next Monday morning. My husband and I work at the same company, and we were driving to the office together for a while. Means, he was driving, and I was comfortably sitting in the passenger seat. But starting on Monday, he goes to a new location. Going to the office with public transfer really is a very bad option, have to take so many busses and metros and it takes a lot of time. So I wanted to drive there myself, tomorrow. With the way the ride went last Friday afternoon, I slightly panicked. No way I would make it to the office by myself.
One step at a time
Isn't it funny in life, how learning and things moving the way you want them to always happens in tiny steps? When you think you're there, you've done what was required, like passing for the driving exam, surprise surprise: there is more to deal with. More little steps to take. Like getting used to another car.
In this case, getting used to the new car really felt like having to learn to drive again. With the difference that I had already learned to drive once, so the learning part I was more familiar with. But honestly - this entire weekend my husband and me picked some destination, and I drove us there, and picked another one, and I drove us there, and again and again, and I drove us there. All the time having his feedback on how to handle the car and how to do better.
Confidence
So I'm doing the syncing part more subtly now. I feel more comfortable with the car, and how it responds to everything. It's not perfect, but I'm feeling more confident and with that, things are happening a lot safer. Confidence is the number one thing I need so I don't panic when the engine shuts off or anything like that. Driving the car without having anyone beside me will be a bit weird, I'm sure. But I'll have to face that some time sooner or later, anyway. If I had the choice, I would not have picked that 'some time' to be Monday morning busy hours, and I wouldn't have picked the city center as location. But well, it is what it is.
Overconfidence - bluff
I titled this post 'what I learned from my driving lessons - besides driving'. So I'm finally getting there ;).
When I first started my driving classes, I really felt on top of it. I think I actually told some people I had some natural talent for driving. I felt optimistic about the whole thing - that I'd pass my exam and get my license soon, that I'd make a great driver.
The other part of the story is that I'm now 31, and I only collected my drivers license a few days back. For many years I never took the initiative to learn how to drive. And yes, I have reasons: I was always traveling a lot, or I had other things I spent my money on, or there wasn't any real urgency because I didn't require a license to get to work. And those reasons are true, kind of. The other part is that I always thought driving would be a little tough, a little overwhelming. There are a lot of things to be aware of, all the time. And then sometimes there's heavy rain or the sun gets right in your eyes or it's dark and the lighting is terrible and it's difficult to see. Seeing what is required to be a safe driver, part of me actually wasn't so confident I'd be one, even if I tried.
Inner image, outer image
My husband and I spent some time in India, at an ashram near Bangalore. Part of the teachings we learned there was to understand our identity as a combination of these four images:
- our inner image: the way we think about ourselves when we are by ourselves. Like, when we're having a shower - the thoughts you have about you when there is no one else around.
- our outer image: the way we show ourselves to the world. How we introduce ourselves to people, what we tell them about who we are
- other's image: what other people think of us.
- life image: what we think about life, what we tell ourselves about life and about other people in general.
Understanding identity as the combination of those four images is in itself a very interesting tool to reflect on yourself and how life is happening to you. Because with most people, those different images tend to have gaps. And those gaps are cause for a lot of suffering in our lives. Some subtle syncing needs to happen - like with the clutch and the gas pedal, I guess - and things will run so much more smoothly.
Anyways, for the sake of this story, let's stick to the inner and outer image I was having about me as a driver. Inner image: being a safe driver requires a lot of awareness and skill, and I feel uncertain whether I'm capable of building those. Outer image: I'm quite a natural at driving, look at me go! See the discrepancy here?
It doesn't matter if it's true or not
Here's a very interesting thing about this inner image, outer image perspective. We tend to believe, deep down, that our inner image is the real truth about us. That's why you'll here people talk about 'being authentic', and then they show the most vulnerable and scared and freaked out part of themselves, their crazy side. And inauthenticity has become a word we use for people who always show only their happy face, their confidence. We say it's a danger that these days, in social media and all, people only show how well they're doing, they are only keeping up that 'outer image', while the truth (their distress, their unhappiness, their depression etc) is never told.
But the inner image, the way you think about you when nobody's around, it isn't really true per se. Like the outer image it is just an image, just a story you tell about you, a story you've based on earlier life experiences, which could have been interpreted in so many different ways. Your outer image isn't the whole truth about you, but neither is the inner image. It's the gap between them that matters, because it's the gap between them that makes you feel that you're identity is a fluke, a fake, that something's wrong. We can solve many of our issues, not by being honest about 'who we really are' and showing the world how small and distressed we sometimes feel. We can solve our issues by having an honest look at the identities we carry, the inner image we carry of ourselves and the outer image we carry of ourselves, and subtly syncing them.
Syncing the right way
When you get to the syncing (if you're thinking this has to do with clutches and gas pedals, then you skipped an important part of the story), sync the right way. It's not that your inner image, the low and fragile version you have in mind when you think about you, is the truth. It's not that you should tell the whole world (outer image) how small you really are. Better sync the other way! Both images are your personal constructs! If you are showing the world the bright version of you, than sync your inner image accordingly! Lift your inner image to be in line with the good version of you that you want people to see. Tune your thoughts about you, shape your experience of yourself in such a way that it matches who you want to be to the world.
It's not your inner or outer image which matter the most when it comes to how you experience who you are. It's when there is a gap between the two that makes you feel like a fake, like you're hiding something, like something is terribly wrong but you can't put your finger on it. So identify the images you carry and get started on your subtle syncing.
The consequences
Getting back to the driving lessons and what I learned from them, besides driving. This afternoon I had a cup of tea with my husband, in between driving across town all day, and we reflected a bit. My outer image is that I'll make an excellent driver, the inner image is that I'm not really that capable. When I don't resolve that gap, I handle my insecurity with bluf. Literally. Even if I'm not 100% sure on how to handle the car and for example, park it safely, I just go ahead and do it, as a bit of a lucky shot. Unawareness of the gap between my inner and outer image in this case means recklessness from my part, because I'm trying to hide my uncertainty, trying to bluff my way out of this hidden feeling that I'm really not so capable after all.
Then, where does identifying my inner image and outer image get me? The moment I was looking at my situation together with my husband, and recognised I was covering up the gap between my inner image and outer image with bluf (the 'I'll just close my eyes and hope things will turn out fine' kind of attitude) - that awareness was all I needed to solve the riddle. The moment I understand that there's a gap between what I'm thinking of me and what I'm showing the world about me, that moment I understand why I've been bluffing and I can drop the facade. Which doesn't mean I go all into the inner image reality and start thinking I'm incapable. It just means I realise both images are stories about me, that they've been out of sync. And that I can drop them both and get back to putting my genuine effort into learning to be an aware and skilled and safe driver, no matter how many little steps are involved in getting there. Awareness of the images we carry and the gap that exists between them, allows us to get back to reality and solve the matter at hand.
