Themes of optimal sexual experiences uncovered via interviews with experts.
Many years ago, my father received a plaque for a birthday gift that read: “Sex is like golf; you don’t have to be an expert to enjoy it.” My dad laughed and said, “Thank god that is true—on both accounts!”
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The Science of Sex
- At least for humans, this most basic of acts is anything but basic. As the pioneering sex researcher Alfred Kinsey put it, the only universal in human sexuality is variability itself. Within the universe of intimacy and pleasure that sex affords, however, there's a lot of room for error. From the behavior itself to our sexual identifications and associations, sex never fails to be a provocative topic. Most people are affected by sexual problems at some point in their lives and safety of the body and mind is always a concern. Though the global jury may remain hung over sex's moral and political implications, we can all come to at least one consensus: It's why we're alive today and it's the first thing future generations depend on.
My dad’s comment raises an interesting point. What does make for great sexual experiences? There are, of course, endless guides to hot sex or earth-shattering orgasms in the supermarket tabloids, many pills that increase blood flow to the sex organs, and many recommendations regarding the mechanics of sex play. But are these the things that make for truly optimal sexual encounters? Interviews with experts point to a different story. Psychologist, professor and sex researcher Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz and her colleagues have been engaged in a fascinating program of research, exploring both what makes for truly great sexual experiences and, using that knowledge to help individuals and couples who are struggling with low desire and poor sexual satisfaction. I have found her work very stimulating (pun intended), and I plan on blogging about key aspects of it in a number of entries.
The Psychology of Social Networking
- Expanding your social network beyond your familiar circle of friends can have surprising benefits. It's those weak ties that bring fresh ideas and unexpected opportunities: a job, an apartment, a mate. The Internet is providing new tools for cultivating and capitalizing on those networks; someone you've never met in person could change your life.
This blog recounts Dr. Kleinplatz’s and colleagues research from 2005-2009 that explored the phenomenology of great sex via detailed semi-structured interviews with 75 individuals. (In terms of methods, 55 individuals responded to announcements for a research project exploring “great” sex; 20 were sex therapists). There answers were recorded and then transcribed and categorized via a systematic process. The following describes the eight key ingredients that were found to be consistently described across the interviews. Sample quotations are used to help provide examples of the concept.
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1. Being fully present, absorbed in the moment and feeling embodied
- Much more than “mindfulness”, this refers to being wholly present. It was associated with feeling fully alive and having an intensely focused absorption in the moment. As one participant stated:
What is Mindfulness?
Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you carefully observe your thoughts and feelings without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to your current experience, rather than dwelling on the past or anticipating the future.
The difference is when I can really just let go and completely focus and be in the moment and not have that, you know, running commentary going through my head about anything else.
Some participants described this as a sense of complete immersion or feeling fully conscious of all their senses. Such descriptions seemed to line up with Csíkszentmihályi (1990) characterizations of the state of "flow."
2. Being Deeply Synchronized/in synch (i.e., merging with the other to become one)
Another feature of optimal sexual experiences was a deep sense of alignment or of fundamentally being “in synch” with one’s partner. One woman characterized it as involving, "at least one moment, the snap of the fingers, the length of a heartbeat, a breath where I can't tell where I stop and they start."
It was common for the participants to borrow from the language of physics and describe the synchronicity in terms of shared energy or electricity or conductivity between people. For example, one said:
It's the energy between people that wraps itself around them like a blanket to the point where you notice the creation of the body between them more than you notice either one of the individuals involved.
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3. Being deeply intimate with one’s partner (in relational, erotic and sexual ways)
- Almost every participant identified a deep and penetrating sense of trust as characteristic of the intimacy that was part of optimal sexual experience for them. Similarly, participants valued and respected the partners with whom they had had such erotic connection at very deep and high levels. Many participants viewed this trust and intimacy as a prerequisite. As one participant explained, "It's part of the way you act with each other long before you're actually engaged in any kind of, you know, technical sex."
Finding a Relationship
Love is one of the most profound emotions known to human beings. There are many kinds of love, but most people seek its expression in a romantic relationship with a compatible partner. For some, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element of life, providing a source of deep fulfillment. The ability to have a healthy, loving relationship is not innate. A great deal of evidence suggests that the ability to form a stable relationship begins in infancy, in a child's earliest experiences with a caregiver who reliably meets the infant's needs for food, care, protection, stimulation, and social contact. Those relationships are not destiny, but they appear to establish patterns of relating to others. Failed relationships happen for many reasons, and the failure of a relationship is often a source of great psychological anguish. Most of us have to work consciously to master the skills necessary to make them flourish.
A deep sense of mutual caring was a major theme here. One woman explained that during great sex, she felt, "loved and wanted, accepted and cherished" by her partner. Trust, safety, and a deep respect were all themes here.
4. Having extraordinary communication, coupled with deep empathy
- The capacity to communicate freely, both verbally and via touch, was crucial for optimal sexual experience . This means communication without judgment and involved a sense of deep empathy or understanding where the other person was coming from. Rather than stressing the technical aspects of communication (e.g., the importance of using "I" language, paraphrasing their partners' statements), participants emphasized that the ability to “listen, to respond, to organize information, to recognize, what, when, even if you're not told, that one kind of touch elicits a certain response in your partner and another does not" was crucial. They emphasized the importance of sensitivity, "real listening" and "paying attention to little things." Many participants who were members of sexual minority groups believed that the negotiation skills gleaned from education within the SM community were especially helpful in optimal sexual experience.
All About Empathy
- Empathy is the experience of understanding another person's thoughts, feelings, and condition from their point of view, rather than from your own. You try to imagine yourself in their place in order to understand what they are feeling or experiencing. Empathy facilitates prosocial (helping) behaviors that come from within, rather than being forced, so that we behave in a more compassionate manner. As a society, it may seem at times that we are becoming more individualistic and self-centered, but neurological research confirms that humans and other social animals, especially primates, are equipped with "mirror neurons," which give us the capacity to display, read and mimic emotional signals through facial expressions and other forms of body language. Mirror neurons help us share emotional experiences and become more empathetic toward others.
Insights on Education
From language acquisition to problem solving to social skills, questions about how we learn are central to understanding human development. Formal education has its share of critics — can psychology lead the way to true reform?
Nonverbal communication was often emphasized; touch itself was treasured as a special, direct and erotic form of communication. Many emphasized the ability to read the partner's responses via one's own body, specifically via touch. Heightened empathy was believed to be a crucial skill so as to "feel into their space" and "play off of the other." The focus was on living in a shared, common experience, enhanced by moment-by moment awareness of how the partner is responding.
Sex therapists often deal with clients who are reluctant to express their wishes verbally and choose nonverbal communication as the safer, default option. Generally most participants prized both direct verbal and touch communication. Touch was essential for reading the subtle cues and getting in synch, whereas a number of participants talked about how "speaking erotically" and "taking risks verbally" could move the encounter "into forbidden territory but with a sense of safety."
5. Being authentic, genuine, uninhibited, or transparent
The capacity to be genuine or free or unfiltered was a common theme. Rather than worrying about judgment or tact, many participants voiced the value of being relentlessly honest with themselves and totally transparent with their sexual partners. An older woman defined her optimal sexual experiences as, "Sex where you can say anything and be anything." Participants described feeling completely uninhibited and largely free from self-consciousness during optimal sexual experience, and often framed it in terms of giving themselves permission to experience pleasure and enjoy as completely as possible. One stated:
Being able to be selfish, impulsive, free of cares, unguarded, unplanned, in the moment, emotionally available, emotionally uncontrolled.
Participants reveled in the freedom and liberation to be completely emotionally naked with another person. The emotional power of being genuine, being seen and known authentically was described repeatedly as a gift.
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6. Being adventurous, exploring, taking risks, while playing and having fun
- Optimal sexual experiences were often framed in terms of being fun, playful or adventurous. Risk-taking and exploration emerged as important components. Many participants likened optimal sexual experience to an ongoing "discovery process," an exploration or journey where it was necessary to continually push and expand one's personal sexual boundaries. As one woman explained, "I'm an explorer, I'm an experimenter. I'm willing to say let's try this and see what happens."
What Is Sensation-Seeking?
Sensation-seeking, also called excitement-seeking, is the tendency to pursue sensory pleasure and excitement. It's the trait of people who go after novelty, complexity, and intense sensations, who love experience for its own sake, and who may take risks in the pursuit of such experience. Sensation seekers are "easily bored without high levels of stimulation," explains psychologist Sam Gosling. "They love bright lights and hustle and bustle and like to take risks and seek thrills."
A sense of humor, laughter and playfulness were vital, and served as a safe complement to the exploration and interpersonal risk-taking. A female participant explained why she believed a sense of humor was essential for great sex:
All About Humor
- Humor is serious business. Sure, there's simple comedy like a pie in the face or an Adam Sandler movie, but a lot of jokes display real intellect, and despite much reflection and experimentation—both in labs and on stages—no one has yet discovered a unified theory of hilarity. Humor can be used for bonding, releasing tension, attracting a mate, putting a rival in his place, or entertaining a child. It has as many functions and styles as there are variations on the light bulb joke.
All About Laughter
Laughter just might be the most contagious of all emotional experiences. What's more, it is a full-on collaboration between mind and body. Although laughter is one of the distinguishing features of human beings, little is known about the mechanisms behind it.
Scientists do know that laughter is a highly sophisticated social signaling system, helping people bond and even negotiate. Interestingly, most social laughter does not result from any obvious joke.
Laughter is not limited to communicating mirth. It can be triggered by embarrassment and other social discomforts.
Although laughter is not generally under voluntary control, yukking it up has numerous health benefits: It releases tension, lowers anxiety, boosts the immune system, and aids circulation. Contagious convulsions are anything but frivolous.
When people actually get right down to it, it looks funny as hell. We're in these contorted, awkward positions grunting like animals, folding ourselves up into a sexual origami that hardly resembles anything as elegant as a crane [laughing]..,. It's absolutely one of the most hilarious things that human beings are capable of.
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7. Being vulnerable and surrendering to one’s desire
, and it is one that emerged in this study. A number of participants believed that letting oneself be vulnerable and surrendering to a partner were keys to optimal sexual experience. The meaning in this context is interpersonal more than intrapsychic. The focus here was on, "being able to put your entire being in somebody else's hands." An older male participant believed that this degree of vulnerability helped to distinguish between good and great sex:
In normal good sex or good relationships, I think there's always some maybe small but detectable barriers, some things held back. In great sex, I think those for me disappear and so that one is quite transparent to the other person and therefore quite vulnerable but it feels, it goes with an intensely erotic and a good feeling rather than a scary feeling.
Several participants independently compared the act of being vulnerable during optimal sexual experience and surrendering completely to one's partner with jumping off a cliff or taking a leap of faith. It was showing one’s self and one’s desire and having it be held and responded to.
8. Experiencing transcendence, blissful peace, and transformational healing
- A sense of transcendence or spiritual bliss or personal transformations were present for many individuals, and for some were the hallmarks of an extraordinary sexual experience. Some believed that during optimal sexual experience, it was possible to experience a "high" akin to that achieved during meditation. Similarly, some participants reported a sense of timelessness or connection to the infinite. Consistent with the lack of vocabulary to otherwise describe such experiences, many participants used religious language to describe their best sexual experience.
All About Meditation
Meditation is the practice of turning your attention to a single point of reference. It can involve focusing on the breath, on bodily sensations, or on a word or phrase known as a mantra. In other words, meditation means turning your attention away from distracting thoughts and focusing on the present moment. Meditating is deceptively simple. A cartoon from The New Yorker sums it up: Two monks are sitting side by side, meditating. The younger one is giving the older one a quizzical look, to which the older one responds, "Nothing happens next. This is it."
In a related vein, participants emphasized the transformative, growth-enhancing and healing qualities of optimal sexual experience. The narratives of both the transformative and healing themes suggested a description of a combination of heightened altered mental, emotional, physical and relational states occurring in unison. Such descriptions were quite reminiscent of what Maslow referred to as peak experiences.
It is worth noting that there were two minor themes in the reports of the participants, that is, they were mentioned only rarely and when asked, were identified as inconsequential. One involved the intensity or nature of physical sensations. Another minor theme was lustful desire, the craving for sexual activity or release. These, of course, make good sense. But what perhaps is particularly notable is that they were minor themes. If one were to take a survey of the supermarket checkout line, great sensations and lustful desire would likely rank right up at the top as the presumed keys to great sex.
But they were not the primary focus of the participants, and not seen as the central ingredients. Rather, it seemed the general message of the participants was that the key to optimal sexual experiences was to unlearn many of the conventional scripts that society imposes on sexual behavior and instead find a way to connect authentically and with courage, genuinely share those feelings with an intimate other who could honor them, get in sync with them, and then reciprocate the gift giving rise to an electrical conductivity that was nothing short of transformative.
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References
Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, A. D, Paquet, M., Paradis,N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009). The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex”. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, Vol. 18, pp. 1-13
