Today, I would like to discuss the fact that some people are toxic and don't even know it!! You could call them a blissfully unaware toxic person. It has taken me a few days to sort through several of the points I want to bring up in this post & decide the best way to lay it out. I've been wanting to discuss apathy in regards to chronic illnesses whether physical or mental. But, I kept thinking there is a bit more towards it than general apathy. Now, this isn't just from things I read online either. Usually I am sparked to write when something has affected me on multiple levels. So I've seen these issues with apathy abundant lately in my online and "real life" dealings. I put "real life" I quotes because online is real life. Especially when it comes to apathetic behaviours.
I must say, apathy and judgement seem to go hand in hand most of the time & it's not pretty. There are common defenses or "excuses " I see to this behavior both online and IRL.
- Common online excuse(s): backpedaling and the "I Didn't mean it that way." Well, if you didn't mean it that way why did you say it that way??
"Don't take it personally, it's Just online "
Really?? In a world where there have been and continue to be well known and publicized events of online bullying - or - cases of extreme online judgement and apathy, you should really be careful how you conduct yourself and come across to others online!!! - Common real life excuses: similar to online ones "oh, i didn't mean it how you took it ", "you take things too personally "
I'm sure that attitude will serve you well when you see cases of extreme alienation or even suicide occur. You may then think, maybe i should've been more understanding of that person.
NOTE: I MENTIONED SUICIDE BUT IT IS NEVER ANYONE'S FAULT SOMEONE COMMITS SUICIDE. IT WAS THEIR CHOICE. I am merely speaking of driving factors that lead to extreme choices to include less severe choices like, alienation that influenced someone to the point of not even wanting to leave their house.
Oftentimes people who are on the brink of "losing it " may not seem it like it. So you to be careful what you say and how you are coming across. Conversely, your blunt apathetic approach to someone you know for a fact is struggling may end up being the straw that broke the camel's back.
One must never assume. Assumption itself is toxic. This is something I have noticed a lot when there are celebrity suicides or cases of depression. People will say, "Well, they had everything, don't understand how they could be that depressed." To which I quickly quip, "Money isn't everything!" And it really isn't. Money is an interesting thing. While not a cure for a poor, depressed person, it would certainly help and the oppprtunities the money provides may prevent more severe depression. While conversely, money didn't save Robin Williams.
My photo header is the perfect example of the toxic, apathetic, judgemental person. These are the ones who've typically, but not always, been through some tough shit themselves. They usually, but not always, did something rather specific that helped pull them through their tough time. Let's just say that something was yoga. Here's what that person proceeds to then do - this is not a specific formula but a general formula that I've seen happen many times. We will call this person, the "cured person "
The Cured Person Antics
- Generally will widely publicise their difficult story
- Generally will widely publicise how they are now perfectly fine because of "yoga " (i.e. that one thing that "worked for them ")
- Since "yoga " worked for them, it will work for everyone and if it doesn't, then that person simply isn't trying to get better
- Will make many references to their story and yoga.
- Will demonstrate a judgemental attitude to people who take longer to get or feel better or overcome their problem. Because, once again, it "worked for them" so since it didn't work for you, you are suddenly any number of things to include: lazy, uninventive, close minded, weak, a negative "Nancy", ETC
Listen, I am not discounting the yoga persons traumatic experience that led them to finding that one thing that worked for them. I Don't ever discount anyone's trauma, even if it has turned them toxic. It is a crying shame that this is the ultimate affect the trauma had on them and I do feel kinda sorry for this person. While their intentions behind sharing the whole "I did it so can you" success story may be good, it can be off putting and alienating. You make others feel like, they obviously aren't trying since they are not "over it " yet. You make them feel weak and you erode them. Is that really what you want to be doing? Probably not!
If you found "that one thing that helped you", honestly that's great and I am truly happy for you. Should you share it? Absolutely. The problem is when you are then almost undoubtedly presented with people with staunchly dissenting opinions. This is more likely if you come on strong with a "one size fits all " approach. Perhaps your thing is something another person tried ages ago. Of course they will express a dissenting opinion,"well that never helped me." Just because they aren't agreeing with you doesn't mean they need to be ignored, treated badly, or that, you need to take it as a personal affront.
Ultimately, one must rise to a higher level of consciousness and understand emphatically that no two people are the same. The way we as individuals process things and the time we need to do it is all going to be vastly different from what another person needs. Today, I was speaking with a woman who's husband passed 3 years ago. She was expressing frustrations because some of her friends thought she was "dragging it out" because she still had basically all her husband's stuff. I told her, that's perfectly okay, that she needs to take as much time as she needs to move forward and slowly part with things like his clothes over time as she is 1000000% ready. I dont care where you are on a linear time frame - one should take all the time they need to process traumas, deaths, etc.
What you do to handle your trauma, loss, or depression is up to you. It's okay to share and try to help others. It is okay for others to disagree with your approach. Your way isn't the only way. You may think, well I never explicitly said that. Well you don't have to. Try to be your own impartial third party. How are you posts, comments, or viewpoints coming across to other people. This is paramount to consider. My goal in this post is to convey there are extremely FEW black and white ways of accomplishing things. It is completely okay to offer help to others by suggesting things that worked for you. It is not okay to then get pissed at that person for either not doing it, saying it didn't work, taking longer than you did, or trying something else. Everyone is entitled to work through problens in their own way and without a set time frame. If you think otherwise, you are on the fast lane to becoming a toxic person, if you aren't already one. The End.
Thank you for reading. Drop some comments below. Interested in your viewpoints.
pic one - Existence is pain
pic two - public domain