Eckhart Tolle taught me that if you cannot live happy alone, you'll never be able to live happy with someone else by your side. Emerson, in his short essay Self-Reliance , tends to agree.
I think that to live happy alone, you first have to accept yourself for who you are - that is, to take full responsibility for your life. If you don't, do you think someone else is going to do it?
When you accept yourself and take responsibility for your life, you will also know that whatever you plan for your future self, it is mostly up to you to take it to accomplishment.
Now, I don't want to give in to guru-self-help woo-woo. I want to be practical. So, please take a moment and watch this TED by Susan Cain:
Moments of Solitude
Let's continue with the line of thought.
To accept yourself, you have to know who you are at this moment. Well, isn't that obvious?
By the same logic, to know thyself is to analyze thyself. Analyzing oneself implies spending undistracted moments with yourself. You cannot analyze yourself when you're engaged in conversations or in activities with other people.
From Brian Tracy I learned to allocate at least 30 to 60 minutes per day alone, paying attention to my thoughts, analyzing them, and making plans. Tracy thinks that solitude is one of the greatest human joys. I tend to agree, but we shouldn't fall into the other extreme. Too much of it is not good either. After all, humans have evolved to live in cooperation to one another.
Okay, let us plan your next moment of solitude.
1. Decide what you'll think about
Having a clear purpose for your moment of solitude is good. You may not be able to follow it accordingly. It's okay if you deviate from the plan. What's important is the moment spent alone.
Are you going to think about the next investment you're going to make? Or about asking that person to meet you? Are you going to think about that exotic trip?
2. Let your thoughts progress naturally
As one random thought can emerge from your carefully planned line of thoughts, do not oppose resistance. Allow yourself to deviate and see where you end up.
It doesn't matter if you deviate from thinking about your trip to other non-related thoughts. Get yourself back on track. It's your moment. Get the most out of it.
3. Take notes
Your stream of thought is more like a flood of thoughts. To get the best from those thoughts, write them down as you have them. Not 5 minutes after, not 3 minutes after. But right as you have them.
4. Analyze how it went
As you finish with your 'me-time', take a brief moment and see if you accomplished something. Did you get to a resolution/clear decision about your trip? Did you end up thinking about something else for the vast majority of time?
There is no wrong answer to the question. If it failed, you'll be better prepared for next time. Remember, this should be a daily routine. If you succeeded, you will positively reinforce yourself for this habit.
You see, the thing is that from the moment we wake up until we fall asleep at night, our senses are constantly bombarded by stimuli (visual, auditory, olfactory, tactile, etc). Everything you experience in a day is competing for your attention.
Taking a brief moment and removing yourself from the flood of stimuli is bliss. I'd suggest having your moment of solitude in a still and silent room, where distractions are at minimum.
Write it down
Look, if you think that spending time alone thinking may be boring, unappealing and even burdensome, you could reengineer the moment into something more engaging: writing down goals and plans.
I learned that top achievers - historic and modern figures - carry to-do lists. And I learned this early on, in 2010-2011. Back then, I drew my inspiration from Brian Tracy, Tony Robbins (yes, the self-help-guru), Jim Rohn and other motivational speakers.
Later I learned there is some science behind this by reading books from David Allen, Kelly McGonigal and Charles Duhigg.
But most importantly, I learned from my own experience. After reading a book by Brian Tracy, I started writing goals and making plans (daily, weekly, quarterly, yearly) for all aspects of my life. Unsurprisingly, my life changed drastically. Here's what I wrote in the past:
It’s because when I started writing goals and making plans (daily plans, weekly plans, and yearly plans) including all the dimensions of my life, everything changed dramatically. Throughout the course of a year I have become more than 1000% efficient in everything I did, such as: health, sports, human relationships, spirituality, financial performance, etc.
And this was 2013. Since then, I further developed my approach to goal writing.
I use an app on my smartphone to do this (a simple note-taking app). But your humble pen and paper is all you need.
The fundamental principle is that whatever I write down has to meet 2 criteria:
- be extremely specific (detailed description of the goal)
- carry a deadline.
Unwritten, vague, non-deadlined goals are mere dreams. And they're likely not going to escape the realm of dreams.
Here's an example. Instead of:
I want to make more money.
I will use this:
I have to make $1,000 by August 31, 2016 and for that I'm going to spend more time into spreading awareness about my books.
It is clear, specific, and it has a deadline.
I will write a full post on how I write goals and make plans. So, stay tuned and follow me.
Ending Thoughts
Alone moments, however you care to them, are necessary if you ever want to understand yourself, be happy alone, be happy with someone else, and make something good out of your life. Be it in your office, on a bench in the park, in your room, or during a train trip, such moments are blissful and much needed in the noisy world of today.
Listening to your thoughts or proactively writing down things are only two of the numerous ways you can spend your alone moments. Make the best out of them.
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Credits for Images: here and here
Cristi Vlad, Self-Experimenter and Author