Reflection: Do you consider yourself a good person?

The essence of people

If during childhood children are offered a very good environment, in which affection and care predominate, they can develop properly because they are in a safe place, in which parents are sure that whatever happens, everything will be within safe confinements. In this context, the child expresses him/herself in an authentic way, trusting unconditionally in the close people they have around and in the world that surrounds them. Children, as we all know demonstrate their abilities and their real thoughts, they do not hide anything, they are genuine and in their essence they are good.

As they grow up, they gain autonomy, which means that the parents are no longer there to always fix the issues they might have. They face their first frustrations and at some point of their journey in life, the first wounds appears. When the person goes out into the world alone friendships are created, love starts to appear, as well as academic and/or professional challenges and inevitably, when living, the person might cross paths with people capable of hurting. The wound can be more or less deep depending on variables such as the nature of the relationship (is it your partner, your best friend, or is it a boss?), Your personal resources when handling this or the social support you count on to recover from this hit.

Our defenses

The first emotional hit makes the person to feel something never felt before. For a long time, the person had gone bare-chested, trusting the world as a safe place where no one, or at least nobody he wanted, would hurt him/her. Innocent people, especially young people, can think that life is completely fair and if you don’t deserve something bad, it wont happen. But as you get more experience, you see that sometimes you can get hurt without you understanding why and that there may even be people who break your heart.

So, after experiencing that pain we try to avoid it at all costs, because it is not something that we want to experience again. Depending on how the pain has been managed and how the wound has healed (did you live your pain silently or did you express it?), more or less rigid defense mechanisms start to establish themselves perhaps without us realizing it, whose objective is to protect the person and not suffer again. The defenses are like a bullet proof vest we wear, to prevent emotional bullets hitting on us. The problem is, this bullet proof vest can sometimes avoid us to present ourselves how we truly are.

The defenses are useful when you live in hostile conditions or in harmful contexts, but lose all their effectiveness when your environment is neutral or positive, when you are surrounded by people who do not want to hurt you, but you are the one who sees threats where there are not. The armor protects you from the hits, but also prevents you from feeling the good, feeling the human warmth. And wearing an armor when there is no threat is totally absurd.

There are people who, after suffering, are always alert, they feel that what happened to them is going to happen again at any moment and they become blind of their current reality. For example, after a painful breakup they do not reopen completely to a new partner; after suffering bullying they do not trust new friends; or due to a work failure they do not leave their comfort zone again.

The true protection

The issue here is that those defenses, instead of taking care of us and really protect us, what they do is isolate us and stop us from being who we truly are.
The way to truly protects ourselves is if we respect us, allowing ourselves to be authentic and for this it is necessary to risk us even if there are no guarantees that we will not suffer again. Risk consists in showing our strengths and vulnerabilities guiding us by our values and principles. It is based on directing us towards what really makes us feel happy and that if we scratch inside ourselves these are usually simple but important things: being close to your family, helping the people you care about; laugh, have authentic and sincere conversations, feel professionally fulfilled, travel, create your own family, etc.

We live in an individualistic society, which creates competitiveness in all its areas. What happens is that our relationships are not a game in which you have to win but, if anything, one that you have to enjoy. The competition must be reduced to those areas that require it, because if you always go against someone you cannot team up with this person, nor take the bullet proof vest off to enjoy the moment.

How can you know when someone is a good person?

Good people are the ones that have real and authentic principles and live according to them, good people are not the ones who make the opposite of what they say, nor they give fake advises. They are people who truly enjoy seeing others achieving good results and have no problem talking about difficult things without the need to lie their way off.

Good people trust others and always look at their good parts, because we all have them. They usually decide to be there for the other, offer help and support when needed it, even if for that they have to change plans. They do it because being with the other and seeing them well is worth it.

However, being a good person does not mean being perfect. It is often believed that to be a good person you have to always satisfy everyone, but it is not about surrendering indiscriminately, as there will be people who do not respect you and therefore do not deserve that delivery on your part. Also, one can make mistakes and even hurt other people, because as humans we all have defects. Sometimes putting limits implies that the other suffers, (when their needs are in opposition to yours), and you need to do it, because if you do not do it, you do not respect yourself.

Other times, we hurt others because we let ourselves be carried away by our fears and insecurities. But as adults, if we accept the fact we made a mistake, we can always ask for forgiveness and use this mistake as a teaching lesson for our future self (for example: if you become aware that for fear of feeling underestimated in your work you boycott your work colleague, you can stop doing it). We always have the freedom to decide what our behavior is.

If you always interact while having the “defenses” activated, you will never be you and no one will get to know the real you. Others might end up hating or loving you, but you will know the real person is someone different. When a person is truly authentic and usually seeks the healthy bond that accepts vulnerability and strength. It is usually a good person.

The best person I have ever met smiled and treated everybody at first. The little things were the happiest they made her, her loud laugh at any after dinner was the best example of it. She was clear in her convictions, setting limits when something did not seem right, but she also showed loyalty to those she loved, accompanying them and helping them in any way she could.