The Tricks of the Human Psyche: Unhappiness and the Disease to Please

We have another houseguest staying for a few days. Being around someone all the time can often offer some interesting insights into what drives a person.

Mrs. Denmarkguy and I often talk about the Human Condition and people's hidden and not so hidden agendas — after all, she's a counselor and spiritual life coach as one of her gigs and I've been studying psychology since my college days — and do so simply because humans are fascinating.

People Pleasing: The Eternal Need for Approval

Our friend who is staying is basically a nice and fairly high functioning person... except for this one thing that dominates her life: She's always seeking the approval of others for pretty much every aspect of her life.

I'm sympathetic, as I understand how that can come to be. I recognize part of myself from my younger days... always making my choices and actions somehow dependent on what other people might think of me, and on how the outcome of a situation might cast judgment on my character.

It's a surprisingly large amount of work (not to mention fruistrating, in the long run!) to be eternally bent into a surreal pretzel shape in service of anticipating other people's needs. Not to mention the fact that others rarely really care about all our hard work to make them happy.

And yet? This is something that affects a lot of people. 

I say "affects" because I do end up at a place of questioning whether or not this is an affliction. Many might argue that it's good and noble to care about the well-being and happiness of others, and that selflessness is very positive attribute. 

I suppose it depends on your motivations, covert and overt.

A Path To Frequent Unhappiness

Personally, I was raised by parents who saw children as little more than "assets" and "pieces of furniture" whose essential function in life was to be a sort of "indentured servant."

I'm sure a lot of kids (and now adults) feel that way about their upbringings; my point here is that I had very little opportunity to develop an actual "sense of self" before leaving home at 18.

When I was 18, I had little experience of defining "who I was" or "what to do" except in terms of how I could get some form of validation from doing things for others. To the degree I had a "self," it was deeply suppressed.

Our friend also grew up with extremely domineering parents and has struggled much with the "People Pleasing Disease," in the sense that she has often lived through long periods of depression and occasional suicidal ideations. 

Of course, there's often a self-perpetuating irony there... people tend to see people pleasers as very happy, helpful and easy-going, which is very difficult to associate with dark depressive moods; "Oh, she's always so pleasant, happy and accommodation... how can she be depressed?"

Alas, a people-pleasing temperament and depression often walk hand in hand.

Self-Forgetting — The Loss of Self

To help understand the depression conundrum, let us remember that there's a lot of psychology and self-help wisdom that talks about "being authentic" and "staying true to yourself."

But what does that mean when your "self" definition is almost entirely outer-referencing? That is, you're always looking outside yourself for answers to problems and issues inside you. 

In essence, people pleasers have forgotten themselves. But we never truly forget. That is, we do know who we are and what we authentically prefer... at least on a subconscious level. 

But we struggle to access that "true" self because we have been conditioned to believe that we are only "allowed" to exist as a subset of other people's preferences. "Yes, I'd love Chinese food for dinner... as long as it is what everyone else wants!"

There's a quote from  Rita Mae Brown that comes to mind:

"The Reward for Conformity is that Everyone Likes you Except Yourself"

Regaining Your Identity

Many years ago when I was therapy, my therapist asked me a poignant question:

"Who exactly would you BE if you weren't eternally wrapped up in what all these people around you might be thinking of you and wanting from you?"

Regaining yourself is a slow process of defining your likes and preferences without first scouting the horizons to make sure that what you choose is also what makes everyone else happy.

To anyone who's not struggling with this issue, that may sound easy enough... but it's not. Everybody has their own process, of course — mine mostly consisted of isolation. If there's nobody around to confer with, you pretty much have to make your own choices, and in the process you grow back in touch with your true preferences. And eventually you get used to them.

Part of the process is also to learn healthy personal boundary setting, hereunder learning that your perspective and preferences are just as valid as anyone else's.

Our houseguest is gradually learning that nobody will think her a "bad person" as a result of having her own preferences that aren't necessarily in step with everyone else's. And if someone does think you a "bad person" for not agreeing with them, that is as much their issue as it is yours!

How about YOU? Do you have any people pleasers in your you life? Alternatively, have you been — or are you — one, yourself? How do you feel about people who always seem to depend on others to form their opinions? Do you think they are selfless? Or spineless? Leave a comment-- share your experiences-- be part of the conversation!

created by @zord189

(As usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Created at 180421 17:00 PDT