Based on my title, you might jump to the conclusion that I'm about to start writing about the "meddlesome busybodies" we often encounter on the road of life.
That would have been a pretty good guess, but actually I am not.
Well, not exactly.
Meet the "Pathologically Helpful"
What lies at the HEART of things?
Actually, I've been thinking about some really nice and helpful people I know... maybe you also know someone like this... they are almost always involved in "projects" to help make other people's lives easier and more enjoyable.
Somehow, in spite of a ridiculously busy schedule, they seem to always "have time" to help others with their problems, trials and tribulations. Even when it seems there's no possible way they could take on another thing, they cheerfully agree to do something.
Don't get me wrong-- they are authentically nice people, and they do tend to do a lot of good in the world.
So this is a "Problem," WHY?
I was having an email dialogue with a friend who loosely fits this description, and I came to realize that-- much as she helps make other people's lives perfect-- her own life is a total mess.
Purple clover
On prying a bit-- gently-- it became quite obvious that she was constantly putting her own dreams, hopes and desires "on hold" in service of others. I realized that she always wanted to write a book and start a center for teen mothers... but she's always sigh and say she was "too busy" to even think about it.
What's worse, below the helpful facade was a simmering resentment that nobody was stepping up and helping her in return.
A bit more prying, and it became increasingly clear that my friend was deliberately keeping herself "too busy" to ever "mind her OWN business." And there were lots of unaddressed issues there, not being looked at... ranging from paying late fees and facing shutoff notices on her own electric bill while paying someone else's bill "because they are really going through it."
There was also some "proxying out" of her own issues... avoiding dealing with her feelings about her own divorce by focusing on a friend's relationship issues, instead.
Martyring Yourself on the Cross of Selflessness
The biggest issue, however, was that of "non-reciprocity."
California Poppy
I asked her why she was helping so many people who seemed unwilling-- or unable-- to reciprocate.
It was difficult to get a straight answer, but it became pretty clear that some part of her being actually was enjoying being the "victim" of "selfish" people who didn't return the favors... I discovered this almost accidentally when it turned out she had actively turned away offers of help because she didn't want to "be beholden" to anyone, and it would make her relationships with those people "weird." This, in spite of the fact that her helping them did not make it "weird."
Her real "agenda" seemed to be to parade around her "selflessness" along with the right to complain that nobody else seemed helpful. And as long as she didn't actually receive reciprocal help she could leave her messy life and issues unexamined, and untouched.
Purple Columbines
It's funny, how we build fences to protect our own psychological constructs. We even go in search of "proof" that our beliefs about the world are "right" and engage in any number of behaviors to maintain that our perception of life is THE TRUTH.
I remember many moons ago, being very attached to the "reality" that I was so "different" from the world that I had no reasons to even LOOK for friendships because I already "knew" they wouldn't understand me. So "why bother." Of course, I was blind to examining my own unrealistic expectations of people...
Of course, we're not always ready to do deep and honest self-inquiry that'll help us work through the "buried holy cows" we're protecting. But it's an essential process, in order to reach a better and happier place in life.
Sooner or later, we have to deal with it!
How about YOU? Know anyone who's a chronic-- and authentically GOOD-- helper with other people's lives... and yer their own life is a mess? Do they turn down offers of help (sometimes for "odd" reasons)... and then complain about not having help? Do you recognize some of this behavior in yourself, even? Do you think it's possibly for us humans to actually BE "consistent?" Leave a comment-- share your experiences and feedback-- join the conversation!
(As usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Published 20170707 17:59 PDT