Some time ago I had a chance to visit a family of friends living in Courchevel. Involuntarily I witnessed a serious conflict between the "Russian" wife and the "French" husband. The stumbling block was the question of whether an one-year-old should sleep in his own room separately from his parents, or it is permissible to put the baby in a matrimonial bed?
What do the French say about this?
An important distinctive feature of the approach of the French to the education of children is a social, non-family orientation. What is it about?
French women are required to work for at least two years at the enterprise in order to obtain the right to maternity leave, which is six weeks before the birth and ten after. Such a short vacation is due to several reasons. First, economic: life in France is very expensive. Secondly, feminist-minded women do not want to lose their jobs and qualifications in connection with childbirth. Thirdly, in general, the pedagogical approach in France is to support the idea that the collective education of a child from an early age contributes to the development of its adaptability and independence.
French children often fall into the nursery from the age of three months. Important moments are that the child sleeps during the day when he is used to doing it. And to raise the voice and punish children is strictly prohibited, on the contrary, the attitude to the child is built in an atmosphere of warmth and understanding. That is, the violent aspect in upbringing is excluded as much as possible.
The right to attend a child of a kindergarten of state type is given to those families in which both parents work. Private education institutions usually can not afford an average family.
In these conditions of life, it is noteworthy that French children since childhood are accustomed to independence and the absence of a mother. For this reason, children from an early age sleep in a separate room from the parents.
Is there a place for the child in the parents' bed?
Each parent independently decides on the education of their children. And he is fully responsible for the consequences of his choice, regardless of the cultural and social characteristics of the environment in which he was brought up.
From birth to one and a half years
The formation of sexuality begins with the moment when parents found out the sex of their baby. The banal story of how "Daddy really wanted a boy, and I was born," is fraught with very nontrivial distortions in the child's self-identification. From infancy the child develops sexuality, is keenly interested in the surrounding world and studying his own body. At this stage of development, the main source of child satisfaction is sucking and swallowing.
During this period, the child is in dire need of the presence of the mother nearby, breastfeeding, unconditional love and care. During this period, the baby unconsciously reads the state of the mother. And, as a rule, its manifestations depend on her well-being, she realizes it or not. If the baby quietly sleeps separately from his mother, there is no reason for sleeping together. And it's okay if sometimes, when a child experiences pain and is concerned, mom will take it to her bed to provide that sense of security and help to fall asleep
From one and a half to three and a half years
The very period of the war with the pot. During this period, the main source of satisfying the baby is the pleasure from the ability to control his body through ... excrement. It is during this period that the child self-identifies himself with a certain gender.
From this age, it is necessary to teach the child to sleep separately from parents in another room. It is important to observe whether his anxious behavior is related to whether you take the baby to the matrimonial bed. And to bring up in the child the understanding that there is a territory in the house that belongs to the parents. I think adult men and women will agree that for a normal relationship between spouses you need to have a full sexual life. The presence of a child in one room, not to mention a single bed, during intercourse there is incest.
When parents clearly understand that in their lives there is time only for the two of them, this confidence will be transmitted to the baby. Gradually, he will get used to the fact that you can be separated from your parents, but be loved by them when they retire.
Parents who do not contribute to the development of a sense of autonomy in a child at this age, prevent it from growing up. By reinforcing his illusions that his mother and father are wholly his, parents prevent the development of a sense of the reality of his child, the understanding that the world does not revolve around him.
The situation is complicated when the pope goes to sleep in another bed or room, giving his place next to his wife to the child. Often parents use their own children to avoid intimacy with each other. In this case, the spouses completely shift responsibility for the problems in the relationship to the child, not wanting to look at the difficulties in the eyes and solve them. Usually in such situations, the child has real symptoms, in which he can not sleep alone in the room: fears, insomnia, increased anxiety. And which are solved very "simply", it is only for the spouses to recognize the problems in the relationship and start solving them.
From three and a half to six years
During this period, the child carefully studies his body, touches the genitals, feels attracted to the parent of the opposite sex. And in the same period, parents raise a certain behavior in the child, instill certain patterns of relationships with the opposite sex. It is during this period that the foundation is laid for a happy or unhappy personal life for the child in the future.
Since this age, there is no place for the child in the parents' bed. He must have his own room and a separate bed for sleeping. Right now, when a toddler is in love with a parent of the opposite sex and dreams of becoming his husband or wife, it is very important to help him pass this stage with maximum responsibility for the future relationship of the child. Lying in the same bed with a parent of the opposite sex, the child feeds and strengthens his fantasies that he could become a husband / wife for mom / dad. But if the parents clearly determined that this place belongs only to the two of them, the child has nothing to do but survive the fact that he will have to seek a close relationship on the side, which promotes normal maturation and the construction of personal relationships in the future.
It is perfectly normal for a child to lie down in a parent's bed, paying attention and giving care, when he particularly needs it, is sick or scared at night. But it is important that he understands: such pleasures are episodic. After the presence in the intimate space of the parents, the kid must return to his bed.
We are able to control our own consciousness, but are completely immune from the processes that occur in the depths beyond its limits, from the sexual excitement of the child to the parent and vice versa. Realizing the complexity of the mechanisms of Human functioning, we take full responsibility for the normal development of our children, for their mental and sexual health, for happy relationships that will necessarily develop if we accept and understand the multifaceted subtle children's psyche.