What? Too deep, and dark for a sparkly holiday?
See, that's the problem with America. It never seems to be a good time for the deep, or the dark, there. So it ends up bursting out, SIDEWAYS.
In most mainstream circles, it's probably considered rude, boring or weird to bring up the topic of childhood wounds, EVEN THOUGH EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS AT LEAST ONE. Why do we heap so much shame on top of the burden already there?
It feels so hush-hush... so taboo, that we seem to stuff, gag, deny, minimize and REPRESS this shadowy topic that would benefit from some Light, Air and Acceptance. So, let's give it some!
In graduate school, while studying to be a hospice/end-of-life chaplain, I was introduced to Attachment Theory and Maternal Responsiveness.
This theory says that the relationship between an infant and its mother has incredible impact on how the infant develops, and the kind of adult we mature into. Depending on HOW we attach to our primary caregiver -- presumably our mother -- we develop attachment patterns, some of which are maladaptive.
Within our first two years of life, quite a lot is imprinted on our beingness. None of it is under a child's control... the variables, circumstances, economic, geographic, ethnic and genetic realities... each of these things help shape (though doesn't determine) who we become.
SECURE attachment patterns establish, when we learn as a child that safety, emotional support and care is consistently available. We can, therefore, trust life, and be confident, and satisfied in relationships. When the mom is responsive to the signals of her baby, a secure base is formed, from which the child can branch out and explore the world.
ANXIOUS attachment patterns establish, when the primary caregiver is not consistent with assurance. We learn to not trust the world, and may come across as needy and hungry for love and connection. Being clingy, insecure or possessive is often driven from not having a sense of security established within us, and/or reinforced with a caregiver in our early development.
AVOIDANT attachment patterns establish, when the primary caregiver is emotionally distant, unavailable and not nurturing. In that context, we learn to isolate ourselves and to self-parent, because we have experienced that the world does not fulfill our needs, so we determine early on to meet our own.
This links to an article to identify your child's attachment style.
We longed to be attuned to our caregiver, and we could feel when we were not:
The second time I considered the impact of childhood wounds on adult relationships came many years later, when I saw an episode of "Wife Swap" in which Dayna Martin was one of the wives.
In that episode, I was introduced to the idea of Free Range Children, and it absolutely BLEW MY MIND OPEN into a billion pieces... and I have been doing a Humpty Dumpty glue-it-back-together ever since!
Anyone raised with heavy authority, discipline and control -- and/or little freedom, trust and affection -- might also find their head blown to bits when seeing child-centered love in action.
Woah.
The contrast is GLARING, and all the unkind, inhumane deformation that is authoritarianism is exposed in that contrast.
Contrary to what an indoctrinated mind would think, authoritative parenting is what actually spoils a child:
- by denying it autonomy and affirmation;
- by letting a baby "cry its needs out;"
- by withholding comfort, hugging, eye contact and warm interaction; and
- by inflicting violence and demeaning punishment.
I think the older we are, we'll find the accepted norms of our childhood to have been far more HARSH and parent-centered, then anything to be found in the practices of peaceful parenting and radical unschooling.
The next time this topic came up was when I heard the intriguing term, "SOUL-BONDING."
I came across that word on Bob Podolksy's website. I have the good fortune to live in (loose) community with him -- an incredibly driven physicist, psychotherapist and ethicist, determined to share Octologues + Holomats with the world.
Similar to attachment theory (and probably other psychological theories of development), Bob says soul-bonding addresses issues derived in our first, and most impactful relationship in life -- the bond between an infant, and its mother. Infants who:
- didn't breast-feed;
- didn't develop positive emotional bonds or attachment; or
- experienced abuse, neglect or circumcision are likely to have developed a "character structure."
I read a draft of Bob's new book, which is due out very soon. "Soul-bonding." In it, are techniques that work.
Here's a funny and ironic example.
The book is a couple-hundred pages. Which isn't bad, but I had two other books that were equally important to me to get through. So, I ended up stalling on reading all three books! Grrrr. Stuck. Over something as simple as reading priorities.
I used a technique from the book, called a 6-Step Reframe (he also refers to it as a New Behavior Generator). 
distills it really well HERE.
Not only did that technique help me blast through that highly unusual resistance to read (I don't EVER recall something like that before); it helped me get through that, WITH additional tasks folded in, WHILE also receiving creative ideas I cannot wait to implement. It's as if my subconscious wanted to show off and say, "See what can be done, when you simply ask, and include me!" lol
It is a pragmatic book. Another goodie in it is a Phobia Cure. I've had a pretty strong bee phobia I look forward to working through.
One insight to consider about phobias, is that we are mistaking the fear, for protection.
The strongest impact on me has been my friendship with a family who PARENT PEACEFULLY, The Freemans.
It is the complete counter to 'authority.' Seeing it in-action makes very clear your own biases, beliefs and behaviors when it comes to the relationship between parents/adults and children. And, by extension, your relationships with EVERYONE.
I spent nearly a week in this vegan, unschooling household, absent of forced schedules, and unnecessary limits.
There's no punishment, bullying or lies.
No one says things like "Because I said so!" Or "Do as I say!"
Each little person has just as much importance and value, as the big people around them. They are held in the highest regard, and there's none of that segregated "The-kid's-table-is-over-there" mentality.
No, they are honored guests. And their dreams (I want to be an artist!) are heard and VALIDATED. They are provided with the experiences and resources to practice their dreams. And they will surely actualize them.
They already are, as embodied freedom. It's incredible to witness... young life unfold, without distortion.
And there is another influence upon our relationships.
As for conclusions, see if you find this reasonable...
The familial cocktail that whirled together to make you YOU, is part of your story, but not in entirety.
If you don't love your life, or memories, you are empowered to rewrite parts of your script, and generate new behaviors.
A degree of relational dissatisfaction isn't necessarily a sign of brokenness, but "complexity of mind."