For many years I looked for solutions for my mental health, something was not right in my head, I could feel it.
I did not have suicidal thoughts, I did not self harm by cutting which is apparently a distinctive signs of Borderline Personality Disorder – but I self harmed in many other ways –, I had amazing moments of rage that would sweep me off my feet, gave me heart palpitation, trembling hands and that I could suppress only when I started to use Marijuana.
No wonder Marijuana became my best friend, lover, family – I was so aware of the importance of keeping up the habit to control myself that in more than one occasion I told the man in my life 'don't make me choose between you and marijuana, because you will be gone faster than lightning as soon as you do'.
I did not use marijuana for entertainment purposes, I used it to try and cope with my mind, it was a medicine to me, not a joy.
I started to use marijuana at 17, when I was first introduced to it and felt the relief from my anguish I was hooked, I would have done anything to get it, I would go out in the middle of the night looking for pushers, find myself in extremely dangerous situations, look for friends and lovers that used it so we would never need to have the 'me or pot' talk.
My life revolved around using with brief intervals for work after which I would go back home and if possible, isolate myself and stone myself to sleep.
What an interesting expression ''stoned'', out of tone, full of self hate, stoned to live.
My mother was a malignant covert narcissist, it doesn't pain me anymore to say this, I have gone a long way with the help of good friends who supported me to see that I did not have to live that way, I could change myself, change my life.
That was after my 'positive thinking' phase, needless to say Positive thinking Did Not Work.
If anything, it compounded the feelings and emotions to the point that I would not allow 'negative people' in my life, I fled 'negativity' like the pest, I tried to walk the fine line of 'health' as I understood it at the time by building an armoured castle in which I was living make belief happy to entertain only happy thoughts, a daunting task in this world, meanwhile my pot addiction degenerated to the point I had to leave my job and move away to try and heal myself.
At the time I tried anything, fasting, nutrition, chanting, meditation, family constellations, energetic work but nothing held, yes, I would feel a little relief sometime, but that mindset, the mindset that I was a complete fuck up would not go away.
I lost my marriage, in hindsight, even thought I blamed myself terribly for it, as for everything else I was a part of, my ex husband was possibly sick himself, he had a narcissistic mother, not full blown malignant like mine – but close – a very interfering woman who had grandiose ideas about herself and lived in a glorious past that was no longer there.
Of her 2 sons, one didn't talk to her anymore and had cut any contact, the other was under the illusion that he could manage her and keep her away enough to not allow her to harm him.
Ha ha ha.
When I got married and moved abroad 2 things happened that I noticed: the 'borderline' traits intensified – as in the outburst of rage – this was because my husband as an abused man, abused by neglect, there can be form of abuse by commission or by omission, he was the omitting type, so the fact of now being locked away from my country, returning to a 6 years old age of incompetence in language, speech, and driving -they drove on the other side of the road and I had a fear to even try it out-, no social engagements and my husband who was never at home due to work, compounded the anger and the feelings of inadequacy.
At the same time I became more 'intelligent' -as in the ability to process information and make links between things I was learning.
I did not understand why though, I just noticed that my ability to learn, my ability to see things widened – the 2 factors that contributed were
learning a new language (rewires the brain)going away from my mother (diminished contact with the toxic source).
I did not understand any of this at the time of course.
When I was a kid I had an episode at school where I started to not be able to fit the letter M in particular into a line, just wouldn't fit ('M' Like mother, the M was the major problem followed by the letter 'N' like Nana - grandmother – weird or what), the nuns summoned my mother to inform her of this unprecedented anomaly and I was sent for a brain check, was wired up to a machine and they found an inflammation of the frontal lobes of the brain.
“The frontal lobes of the brain are responsible for a wide variety of physiological and psychological functions, damage to this area can have profound and diverse effects. Swelling within this region can damage memory, which in turn affects learning. It can also change personality, sometimes causing an absence of emotions (flat affect) or produce aggression, reckless behavior or addictions. Sexual behavior may become compulsive or non-existent. If inflammation of the frontal lobe is not eradicated, coma and then death will occur. A recent article in the "American Journal of Clinical Nutrition" suggests that ongoing inflammation of the brain causes the death of neurons which can eventually lead to the symptoms of Alzheimer’s.
https://healthfully.com/causes-inflammation-frontal-lobe-brain-5627627.html“
They put me on an antinflammatory therapy, I went for just 1 check up, then my mother 'didn't have the time' to take me there anymore, meanwhile she would scold me for not remembering things I was learning at school or for saying things to my grandmother or strangers I 'was not supposed to', because these info did not match the image she was building for herself in the eyes of others, a loving hard working mother that only wanted what was best for me.
I still excelled in one subject, Math, I could see numbers moving in my head when I was asked to do an operation, they ended up separating me from the rest of the class when we did math tests, because I was apparently a math genius and they did not want me to give other kids the correct answer.
Maybe the ability to do math is ruled by another part of the brain that was not injured.
I then went on in my studies always struggling, today I would have been diagnosed with ADD as I could not focus properly and, even though I would hear the teacher speaking, nothing stayed in my head.
My brain was sick.
You can read more about stress, prenatal mother's stress and other factors damaging the child brain – all the way to a possible later onset of Schizofrenia, if interested, here
(https://www.nature.com/articles/tp2016278)
In theory I had a good family, my mother could send me to the best schools, buy me food, give me a shelter, my grandparents adored me – but what was happening behind the scenes was malignant, I was asked to keep secrets from both side of my family, I was invested of the responsibility of my mother's emotional regulation and received no nurturing that was not in the form of candies – which inflamed my brain even more.
When I was about 8 years old, I had the appendix taken out in an emergency surgery (you can check out the link between sugar and bowels inflammation – on top of the neurotoxic characteristics of sugar itself.
My mother did not believe me when I told her I had tummy pain until one day that I could not get out of bed and she took me there extremely annoyed to prove I was faking it. They operated me the next day instead.
We could say that sugar was my first soothing addiction although that would be incorrect.
My first addiction was self produced, was adrenalin and cortisol, was living with a crazy mother in a constant state of stress, unable to read the signs, unable to predict the outcome of any of my replies to her seemingly innocent questions – I was never given the Miranda Warning at the time to know that it was my RIGHT to no longer reply to her prodding because it could be used against me – a right 'Criminals' have – but not children of mentally ill parents.
Please understand I am in no way blaming my mum, if she was mentally ill, probably her brain was damaged too, she suffered a great abandonment trauma as a child, her life was one of neglect and rejection and for this reason I excused her behavior for over 50 years – until my buddy (will talk about this in posts to come) supported me to allow myself to let her go.
Yes, because no matter how long the abuse goes on or how severe, we have been indoctrinated to always love our parents, respect them, take care of them – but ultimately if they believe like the Romans that 'your death is my life', if you see that the malignancy is persistent, if you see that you never catch a break, that you have to walk on eggshells, that you have to suppress yourself, your words, your expression – because your very existence offends them – then it's time to let go, to move on, to return to sanity.
Because look, I went all the way out of my mind, left a vacant place there that she could fill with poison but it did not help her. It actually made her worse.
My allowances, excusing her behavior, accepting the Gaslighting, the word salads, accepting to engage in endless make belief discussions about how I hurt her, offended, apologizing for breating out of sync with her plans, actually made her worse, because she could confidently say that I was crazy when I just could not take it anymore and I would go bananas and write her letters to attempt to cast on paper the real facts, the real abusive behavior, while she worked hard to rewrite reality with me always at the centre of her blame, proving that she was fine, sound – all the while having no regrets about sacrificing my mental health so she could live with impunity the damage she inflicted on me and all my family – and get away with murder.
Will continue to lay out the journey in my next posts.
Thanks for reading,
I am not a mental health professional, I have done my own research based on what happened to me and what I did to step out of the abusive cycles of my life and I will share it to help others to heal themselves as I am doing.
It doesn't matter who started all this shit, if you have an alchoolic father, an abusive mother or both, doesn't matter what traumas you went through, it matters that you decide that a life not worth living is not a price you are willing to pay, while you hope that your degenerate parents will finally see the truth of the matter so you could move on to heal Together – it won't happen, trust me, healing yourself is good enough, you are good enough, worthy enough of your time and effort to fix yourself and stop the chain of abuse for yourself, for the people around you, for the world and the generations to come.
Mental Health Support is available for free at
Desteni – join the DesteniLite Program to start rewiring your mind to sanity, a Pro program is available as well for a small fee or you can ask for one to one support with one of their awesome coaches – my current Buddy is Cerise, she has been an invaluable support to me, like my other previous buddies from the site
find the program and the buddies here
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
Online
following these awesome pioneer women in the Mental Health Field who specialize on Parents with Personality Disorders and the roads to walk to Heal
Kris Godinez – her videos can be found here, she is funny, witty and may shed light on what is or has been happening to yourself
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHk_36kn2zDnVL-d23tE6bg/videos
Dr. Judy Rosenberg – a compassionate and enlightening speaker, her videos can be found here
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOJvZ0gxCu_G5ufZjsI3TCw
Trough Nutrition
Google Brain Diet, you will find many resources, eliminate sugar, high processed carbs and gluten loaded products – introduce good quality fats to support yourself and your brain healing, a low glicemic index diet helps to not spike the sugar in the blood which calls for the release of high level of Cortisol, which inflame the brain
Trough removing yourself from the Source of non stop abuse that causes stress which shoots adrenalin and cortisol in the bloodstream which inflame and damage brain tissues
Through a proper neurological supplementation
I have had huge benefits with a protocol from a company called 4 Life, of which I have become a leader because I believe it is my duty to pass on the benefits I have had and an honour to join a company that works to better our health and life experience, manufacturing products without ANY side effects and no controindications – while sponsoring programs to feed the malnourished children of the world – not the perfect solution yet - but a step in the right direction
Research suggests that for tens of millions of people, depression might be caused by a malfunction of the immune system. In other words, it is not ‘all in the mind’. , can read more about it here
https://health.spectator.co.uk/depression-a-disease-of-the-mind-actually-our-immune-system-could-be-the-culprit/
Here is the Neurological protocol
Recall – to heal the neurological damage – 3 capsules a day far from meals
https://www.4life.com/9545768/product/transfer-factor-recall/90
Cardio support – to heal the cardiovascular damage, brain inflammation can create necrosis in the vascular system- 3 capsules a day far from meals together with the Recall supplement
https://www.4life.com/9545768/product/transfer-factor-cardio/77
Rite Start – for Women
vitamins and antioxidant support for women
https://www.4life.com/9545768/product/ritestart-women/64
there is Male support as well available on the site here
https://www.4life.com/9545768/product/ritestart-men/63
Your brain can heal, neuroplasticity of the brain has been proven by Rita Levi Montalcino who won a Nobel price for her research.
In the past we did not know how, now we do.
If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse and are experiencing symptoms of post narcissistic abuse, get on a program that is specific. Unless people have gone through that they may not understand or hear what happened to you and may be unable to offer solutions – just do not give up.
Mental health can be regained, you will have to work on all the things that are now disordered within yourself, self esteem, co dependency, letting go of the shame that was tanked into you by your shameless parent, a constant sense of inadequacy and huge amount of stress.
This is not a call to Blame, it's a call to self responsibility, really, it doesn't matter whose fault it was that ended up damaging you, you can address the issues through your ability to respond by getting on a program to heal yourself, this is the fastest way to recovery.
If you know someone in an abusive situation, share this article with them, if it's a kid, you may not see any clear sign of abuse if what is happening at home is invisible to the outside world – but you may be able to see the signs of cognitive disorders, inability to retain information and a tendency to isolate – if you are in the position to do so, be a compassionate witness, VALIDATE what is happening to them, validation is key for an emotionally and psychologically abused kid, a key that may prevent him/her to lose their mind to a toxic parent that is using them to self regulate their emotional world – at the detriment of the kid's mind and its ability to bloom into a sound, healthy human being.