I spent some time on YouTube watching music videos over the weekend; I don't do that very often although quite enjoyed it as it gives greater depth to the music I like. Music has a way of touching people, the ability to incite passion and emotion and to spark memories; I love music for those reasons. image source
I listen to a very broad spectrum of music from classical to country, jazz, instrumental and rock and everything in between. Essentially if I like the sound of it and it touches me in some way it's on the playlist. On Saturday I was in Five Finger Death Punch mood and was perusing their videos. I came across one of my favourite songs and decided to watch the video as I'd never seen it. I have included the link to it below in case you'd like to take a look. The song is about FFDP's lead singer who apologises for the hurt he's caused through his addictions and acknowledging the damage he has done. The video is pretty cool with some great imagery which punctuates the lyrics.
It made me think about apologising and the fact that some people find it so difficult to do. I was once one of those people. A long time ago.
I believe it was ego-related and a lack of humility that caused the blockage for me. Hubris, excessive pride and self confidence also. OK, so in my early twenties I knew everything right? I was always right and saw no need to apologise for being right. Hmm...What an asshole. I worked really hard at being the exact opposite person I was raised to be. Thankfully I realised that fact and decided to change; Well, maybe change is not the right word...Maybe grow and develop is a more fitting way to describe it.
I don't know what the trigger was for me, only that at the age of about 27 I started seeing re-runs of my past flash across my memory and I didn't like what I saw. I wasn't a bad person mind you, I was polite and courteous, generous and [reasonably] friendly, but I didn't like what I saw in those little memory-snippets. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and disappointed in myself. It was time to change. I call that realisation wisdom now, but at the time it was just a thought that I decided to catch and run with.
I didn't rush around the place bursting apologies to all and sundry though; That would have been futile. I decided to start with finding humility which meant losing my ego. Have you ever seen an egotistical person try not to be? It's laughable, but I persisted. At work (I was a manager in an auto plant at the time) I allowed those around me to take credit that was previously mine. I offered up heartfelt gratitude to people and even started smiling genuinely and with warmth towards others. In doing so my old friend hubris started feeling uncomfortable and awkward; Before long it had packed its bags and walked out on me. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! ...And stay out you bastard!
It didn't happen in one or two days but a month or so later things started happening. It was like I was once a MUGGLE and now I was Harry Potter, yep just like magic. People seemed to want to engage with me, on purpose. I even started to learn something about the people I worked with and productivity, and my mood, increased. Magic indeed. Outside of work wasn't so much of a hassle although things started to take an upward tilt there also. I played American Football at the time and took it pretty seriously. I was reasonably brutal on the field and allowed that to spill over off the field also. However the new no-hubris-humble-no-ego me seemed more approachable and my relationships started to expand there to the point that I was able to actually talk to some of the other teams' players and even show respect and acknowledgement for their success on the field. Hmm, could they actually like me? Maybe so.
I have always respected my wife and as a 27 year old we had been married for 4 years and together for 9 or so. My wife was the one person I allowed to see the real me although to my astonishment the new me even affected that relationship for the better. We were closer than ever and the new me, the me that knew how to say sorry, was very popular. We smiled and laughed more and at those times when she needed to be angry with me I wouldn't let it get in the way of me apologising, or talking through the issues, so we could get on with our amazing life together. Chalk up another one for the new me.
By the age of thirty I was a different person, or more to the point, the person I should have been all along. I had allowed hubris and ego to get in the way of saying sorry out of fear of admitting I was wrong...AND THERE IT IS! You see, saying sorry isn't about admitting failure or about being wrong. It doesn't lower a person's self-esteem, in fact it should raise it. It takes humility to say "sorry"...HUMILITY. That word, whilst similar, simply does not mean humiliation!
I still think back to when I was a hubris-filled-muggle and cringe. What a wanker. Although in truth it was just a part of my life in which I had some lessons to learn and I probably shouldn't beat myself up over it. I wonder how many relationships I burned, or never had, due to the way I did business. Fortunately I could read and so I learned about humility, had the good sense to embrace it and to learn how to say sorry. I don't regret my younger life, to do so would take away it's importance in my growth however I wish I had learned the words humility and sorry a little earlier.
[- The best way to increase your self esteem is to increase someone else’s -]