Hi, guys!
So, today I finally was able to come to my doctor and tell her about recent changes in the way I feel. You know, it's much harder to talk about such things when technically you're in a remission. When you come on the top of the disorder, manic or depressive episode, you have a lot to tell. You have so many symptoms, including somatic ones, that you sometimes need an hour or two to tell everything about them. But when you're technically in remission your symptoms look only like an echo of the past horror, so when I was sitting at the doctor's office I was nervous, and I kept asking myself "Do I really need this meeting? Do I really have problems at the moment?".
Earlier when I crawled, actually crawled to a psychiatrist for the first time being unable to continue living I was 100% sure that I need help, and I need it fast. Even despite some people opinion that mental disorders don't exist. At that point, when you're close to walking out of the window you stop giving a fuck about anyone else's thoughts. But when you feel better doubts start tormenting you again - what if I'm wrong?
That's one side of the coin. While another one looks like this - all the time you live in a silent fear to fall back to the state you've been in before medication. When you already know that life can be different and spark joy even thoughts about depressive state you've been in before scares, really scares. Well, manic states never scare, everyone loves this.
So, we talked with my doctor and she asked me if I had a hypo-manic episode before everything went worse. And actually - yes! Slightly, but yes. And when you're bipolar you're ALWAYS bipolar, so even if you have a slight mania, even on medication - you WILL have a depressive episode afterwards. Just a brain chemistry.
So, I ended up with increasing the dose of anti-psychotic pills in four times. Doc says this will help. But anyway I'll have to increase it slowly, so I'll have to wait for a week to begin feeling better.
Well, after 15 years of unhealed disorder (since I was a teen) it's not such a long period, huh?
I wish you all the best and will be happy if you'll support me with vote:)
Love, Inber
