Inspiration of the day: Death with a camera

I often call myself film director on vacation. This is who I used to be when I first stopped to take a break with giving a birth to my first baby. Life in front of me seemed big and promising. Two next kids came one by one and it turned out that 7 years have passed by and I'm still having a rest. Then came a short comeback and another stop on the go.

It's very frustrating to know how women willing to find themselves stay put on a break for a lifetime. It's very inspiring to know there are others who found a balance for being a mom and being something bigger than that.

Yesterday was full of positive emotions - joy, love, acceptence, interest. My almost everyday fear of not having a chance to get rid of the annoying feeling of uselessness was destroyed by a talk with my mom. Getting to know she also had a lack of support when me and my brother was little made me feel cofident, as if my positivness is more important than anything in my family work.

I then got dressed and went out for some business reading the news feed on the way, and I read then that a 38 year old russian film director of armenian origin has died of cancer just a day ago.
Her name was Maria Saakyan and she left 5 kids and a few movies shot.

I was having a tram ride, it was snowing and I thought of how often I forget that I'm alive and that it's a joy to be alive. I thought of how awfully unfair it was to take a mother from 5 kids. I thought of how her (almost my coeval) could even manage it - 5 kids and a few films done? I thought of whether it's right or wrong to sell my Blackmagic cinema camera giving up on making movies just because my fourth maternal leave has made the whole kids/family story way to dramatic.

So I thought and to tell truth I was feeling much better than last few weeks. Maybe it even felt like hope.