Ever since I was young, I never really understood what people meant by being in love. It was always described as this wonderful thing that we should all be aspiring to “get”. But from what I could see, most of the relationships that I witnessed didn't look anything like this fairytale image that I had been sold. You just have to look at the statistics, with over half of marriages now ending in divorce, and I’m sure a good percentage of those who stay together are not truly happy and do so for the wrong reasons..
It was only when I started on my own health/spiritual journey that I began to get an understanding and a feeling for what real love is, and why most people don’t seem to have it.
The Problem- in my opinion, is that most people are looking for love for predominantly selfish reasons, and if true love is anything, it’s certainly not selfish. Love is about what you can give and share and how you can help others, but most people go into relationships to “find” happiness, or to get married or have kids etc. All self oriented goals, that are just ideas that they have in their heads of things that they “think” will make them happy, but rarely do. Relationships end because one or both of the protagonists are not acting in their partner’s best interests. Their actions are motivated by their own “needs”. And need is not love.
It is these needs that are preventing people from experiencing true love and being free and authentically happy. As long as your motivation for your actions is purely self motivated, with no mutual gain for anyone else, then you are not going to experience the love you desire.
The Solution
The way to authentically love someone is to ask yourself what they need right now, not what you want or what you think they should want. Then you are being the giving, helpful, caring person that love is really all about. And if it turns out that you and your partner both want different things when you are honest with eachother, then the most loving thing to do for both of you may be to go your separate ways, thus giving you both space and the opportunity to find someone else who does actually compliment you This may mean accepting that the “fairytale” romance and living happily ever after was just a story in your head of how you thought your life should go, and not the true reality of the nature of love.
I see far too many people staying in relationships that are not serving one or both or them, and they do it not out of love but out of fear. Fear of being alone, or fear of failure of a relationship or fear of not having children etc. It is these fears that are motivating the needs that are keeping us pursuing relationships that aren’t serving us. Fear consumes the space needed for love, so getting rid of this fear is the best way to nurture a loving environment within yourself that can then be shared with others. You will not find love in anyone or anything until you have found it in yourself and understand at a deep level that it is not just about you, but equally about the other person. Once you are in this space and have rid yourself of a lot of your fears, it is a million times easier to bring about love of all kinds in your life. It’s easier to be happy and to find things that you enjoy and people who are attracted to you and your personality.
So if you have resonated with what I have said here, I encourage you to ask yourself some of the questions I have posed here. What is your motivation for being in a relationship? What is wrong with being alone? What is love to you? Are you in it for need or to give?
Finding answers to these sorts of questions was invaluable for me on my spiritual/life journey and after working through them I was able to cultivate the calm, peaceful, accepting space that I needed, in which to feel and experience what love is really all about.
Best Wishes
Jack