Think about a caveman and his 'wife' a hundred thousand years ago. He had to go out every day with 'boys' to bring the food home, protecting himself from all the dangers. His duty was also to protect his home and family from another tribe, dangerous animals, and bad weather conditions. So, he had to develop his physical strength, as well as logical skills in order to survive.
On the other hand, she was staying at home with kids, cooking, taking care of them, and socializing with another women from the tribe. So, she needed to develop her social and emotional skills in order to make home a safe, supportive, and interesting environment for the kids and herself.
Now you should imagine yourself and your girlfriend as their descendants.
'So, why the f*** doesn't she show those 'social skills' with me, instead of making all kinds of drama (almost) every day?!'
This is what you might be asking yourself now. As a psychologist and a girl, I am here to give explanations.
1. Girls crave to challenge their social skills
So, as much as men have natural insticts to practice their physical and logical abilities, women innately feel the need to challenge their verbal and emotional skills. That being said, girls constantly need to feel their emotions are activated, as well as to express them verbally.
It is not that women create drama intentionally. We just notice many more details in interpersonal relationships than guys, since that is what we've been practicing since thousands of years.
We love to solve all small interpersonal problems in creative ways. That is how we see relationships as challenging, progressing and meaningful. That is how something is actually happening, and we are not dying inside out of boredom. That is how we attach more, as we feel that we are investing more.
2. Girls need a guy who is able to protect them
Also naturally, and mostly subconsciously, girls feel insecure about surviving in the world alone. That is why we are attracted to the confident and strong guys, who can make us feel safe and protected. By 'strength' here I consider emotional strength, or emotional capacity to cope with interpersonally challenging situations and stay in control.
By making drama, girls push you to lose control. They are testing you in order to make sure you really care for them, and that they can rely on you. A girl making drama needs reassurance that you (still) have feelings for her, and that you will stay with her even during hard times, accepting her unconditionally. Moreover, the research conducted by Harvard Medical School found that women feel pleased when their partners feel unhappy, because they interpret it as their strong emotional investment and engagement in relationship.
3. Girls need (more of) your attention
There are two possibilities here:
- you are giving her enough attention, but she is not recognizing it (for example, you are constantly hugging her, but you are not telling her that she is attractive)
- you are not giving her enough attention
The girls' need for more attention may stem from her natural insecurity and need to have someone caring for her and reassuring her. But more importantly, it comes from her attitude that relationships are something you need to work on (like daily watering the plants!). If she finds out a real or imaginary evidence that you are not really putting effort into your relationship, she will readily put you on all the tests required.
So, we have the good news here:
If a girl makes drama, it is not because she wants to push you away. Girl makes drama because she wants to keep you!
So, you are not a failure making her unhappy, and she is not really attacking you. You are actually on a good way to have a good relationship with her, because she really wants both of you to commit.
I am not trying to say that criticizing, crying, or shouting are a good way to communicate. However, as this will most probably be happening to you with most of the girls, the first step in dealing with it and making things better is to understand it.
Katarina Milivojević
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