Seeking sexual pleasure without certain commitment is being seen more and more as pure self-awareness, courage, or power (not only for guys). On the other hand, the need for just touching or hugging is often misinterpreted as weakness, and something pretty awkward, inappropriate, and maybe childish (especially for guys). As adults, we should be strong and independent, and not soft, needy, and clingy. That is why many souls get lost on Tinder looking for hookers with no much criteria, instead of organizing Free Hugs events. So, let's try to change this for better!
'What the hell is skin hunger?!' you might ask yourself...
Skin hunger is a strong, even aching desire for a physical contact with another human being, often caused by lacking the affection for too long.
So, skin hunger is a real phenomenon, with its own definition in the science of psychology, and not just an exception to look for hookers. Also, as you see, it has nothing to do with vampires.
Touch is essential for a newborn's survival
Observations from the WW II have shown that newborn orphans can develop significant failure or even die if they are lacking of human touch. Since psychologists have never been allowed to do such cruel deprival experiments with human babies (but if you are more curious, check this post from @lifenbeauty), we have no experimental studies on skin hunger done on babies.
That is why we need to rely on studies conducted by Harry Harlow on baby monkeys separated from their biological mothers, who were given surrogates. Good enough, right? So, the results of Harlow's studies have shown that newborn monkeys, even when deprived of nourishment, preferred the surrogates made of soft terry cloth, over those made of wire who were provided with the food.
From babies to adolescents...
Babies and children usually cuddle with their parents frequently, and it is important for their emotional, social, and cognitive development. However, as children are growing up, physical contact with parents is becoming more and more inappropriate, and they are moving towards more contact with their peers, refusing hugs and kisses from their parents. Boys especially resist touching with their parents (and mostly do not touch with their male peers either), as they are taught that being a man means being strong, and emotions are considered as weakness.
... To grown-ups
There is no rule when it comes to hugging and the amount of physical touch with the other people in general. Everyone is unique when it comes to any kind of need, and the same is with the need for touch. However, every adult needs to touch to a certain level, and nobody can live completely isolated without certain mental and physical consequences.
In today's technological era, it is not rare amongst adults to feel the lack of the human touch when they have significantly less skin-to-skin contacts than they need. We tend to spend more time texting or video calling our friends, instead of actually meeting them. Here it is important to point out the difference between the sexual need and the need for a warm and affectionate touch with the other person, such as a kiss on the cheek, shaking hands, or a hug. A person can feel these two needs independently.
How skin hunger feels, risks, and the role of oxytocin
Need for touch, as well as needs for air, nutrition, and sleep, is a basic human need. However, as the sexual need, we cannot die if we cannot fulfill it. People who suffer from skin hunger seem to be depressed. However, men and women show it differently. Men usually behave negative and aggressive, pushing the potential partners away, which leads to even more loneliness. Women, on the other hand, behave more needy, and tend to commit to wrong relationships or risky sexual behavior. Here is often the need for genuine human affection and contact misinterpreted as the sexual need.
Consequences of the lack of touch are numerous: depression, anxiety, anti-social behavior, fear of forming new relationships, feelings of inadequacy and being unlovable, etc. The reason behind it is the lack of oxytocin, the hormone of love and happiness, that is released by a supportive touch of the person we feel good with. Oxytocin helps boost immune system, lowers the heart rate and blood pressure, lowers fatigue, and improves overall physical and mental well-being. And skin contact with the person we trust makes us feel secure, accepted, and good about ourselves.
'So, what should I do if I suffer from the lack of touch?'
From my point of view, every need should be satisfied, but in the right way - which means, not harming ourselves or the others. So, all those sayings like 'You should first be happy with yourself', or 'You need to learn how to be alone, or even worse: 'If you don't love yourself, nobody will love you' should be thrown away. If you feel lonely, isolated, lacking the real human contact, missing someone to hug, you should take the last atom of your courage and take a radical action towards satisfying your need.
Here are just some ideas on what you can do:
- You can start hugging your family members or friends when you meet them. At the beginning, it might feel awkward, but, if you consider that many, many people feel the same as you, it is very possible that at least some of those around you also want to hug sometimes but hesitate.
- You can go for a relaxing massage.
- You can attend some dance classes. Tango might be the best option, since most of the time it is danced in a close embrace.
- You can attend partner yoga classes.
- If you feel free and proactive enough, you can also organize a Free Hugs event in your environment.
- ... Any other idea? Write in the comment below!
Katarina Milivojević
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You may also be interested in the following posts:
Psychologize with me #4: Why intellingent people fail
Psychologize with me #3: Why do girls make drama?
Psychologize with me #2: Different perspective on personality disorders
Disclaimer: I do not own rights to any image used is this article. I just found them online and wanted to share them with you.