01
In the relationship, it is important to find the right person.
Choosing different people, to some extent, is choosing a different kind of life.
So, how do you find the right person?
This is a matter of benevolent seeing the wise and seeing wisdom. Some people will value their temperament. Some people will pay attention to their appearance and economic situation. Others will care whether the three views are consistent.
What we are discussing today is a problem that is easily overlooked by many people:
The self state of a person.
I divide this state into two categories:
One is the state of stretching, and the other is the state of contraction.
People who are in a stretched state are energetic, and they are more active when they get along with others, giving people a feeling of more confidence. .
The person in the contracted state lacks vitality, and the passive and defensive mentality is relatively heavy, giving people a feeling of inferiority.
02
Obviously, in the relationship, the self is always in a state of contraction, or simplifies that people who feel inferior will always go harder.
People who are very inferior in inferiority, the most frequently done thing in their feelings is the "myth" who they like. They will look at each other in a rational way, and imagine the perfection of the object, like the existence of God.
Zhang Ailing has a classic saying:
"Seeing him, she has become very low and low, down to the dust."
Such an unbalanced mentality will cause many problems.
Some people are nervous when they see someone they like, and they dare not pursue it, or even dare to face it.
I have a classmate who likes to go to a girl in the class. This classmate is not bad, and he is very talented, but he is very inferior. When he meets the girl, there is a feeling of being "frozen". Even if he doesn't dare to fight, he just laughs and hides. open.
The inequality in mentality will give people a lot of psychological pressure. When you are with someone you like, you will have a feeling of being swallowed and you will not find yourself.
No one can withstand this state of selflessness for a long time, so some people simply don't pursue the people they really like. On the contrary, they choose to be with people who they don't like but don't hate.
03
There is also a situation in which even if they have the courage to pursue true love and are together, it does not mean that the problem is solved. In fact, the problem of inferiority will permeate the bitterness of their emotional life and afflict them between words and demeanor.
For example, some people will suffer from loss, and when they encounter contradictions and quarrels, they will think about the consequences very seriously, and they are always in a state of uneasiness.
Some people will over-recourage each other, say what the other party wants to listen to, do what the other party likes to do, and do their best to take care of each other and satisfy each other's reasonable or unreasonable requirements.
They feel that they are not good enough, or not cute, so only pay more to make up for this, you can get the recognition and love of the lover.
As a result, they walked into the mode of living for others. Although they won the feelings, they rarely realized the kind of heartfelt happiness and joy brought by the feelings.
04
People with low self-esteem, the hardship of love.
People who are with people who are inferior are also very hard.
The soul of the inferior person is like a mimosa, and it will shrink back when there is a wind and grass.
When you are with this type of person, you will find them very sensitive and vulnerable. When you are in a bad mood, or angry and angry, you will find that they can not bear your aggressiveness.
They are not like those who are confident and cheerful, either laughing or laughing, or arguing with you. The advantage of this is that I can withstand your negative emotions, at least not really hurt me.
But if your lover's heart is inferior and fragile, you will slowly become cautious, not afraid to express your negative emotions, because the other side's heart will be broken.
After a long time, the relationship between the two people became depressed and silent. Although there were few dissatisfaction and conflicts on the surface, the vitality disappeared and the two people became increasingly unhappy. This is also a terrible state.
05
If you are a relatively inferior person, how can you improve yourself?
1.Accept yourself unconditionally
No one is perfect, everyone understands this truth, but unfortunately it is often ignored or ignored in life.
We are used to stuck ourselves in those shortcomings and deficiencies. For example, some people can't accept their height, some people think their own body is not good, some people think that they are not beautiful, some people care about their achievements. Not good enough, etc.
Accepting the self does not mean that we ignore our own shortcomings and let ourselves sink, but that we have a more comprehensive understanding of ourselves. We must not only see our own shortcomings, but also our own strengths, and then emphasize ourselves:
This is me, my own unique.
- See your strengths
Not all of the shortcomings need to be changed, which is neither necessary nor realistic.
The key to measuring whether a person has value is how much you can use to your strengths, not how much you have overcome. Therefore, we need to understand our strengths and understand where our strengths are.
People with low self-esteem often have a severe critics in their hearts. That is to say, when we are doing something, this inner critics will constantly pick their own faults from a negative perspective, so we will not see To your strengths and strengths.
So, when we feel trapped by self-denying emotions, we force ourselves to focus on our strengths, what our strengths are, and then focus our attention on our strengths.
Therefore, the best way to overcome self-esteem is not to correct your own shortcomings, but to pay more attention to your own advantages and find the shining point of your own value.
Self-confident people are not self-confident because they have no shortcomings. They feel that although they have such shortcomings, they also have a lot of shining places. They believe that they will get better and better.
Zhang Ailing said:
"No matter how bad your conditions are, there will always be individuals who love you. No matter how good your conditions are, there are always people who don't love you."
When one day you dare to be yourself, the feeling of inferiority will leave you.