This is a rather personal review of the book “ Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson
Of all the books I have read in recent years, this one probably had the biggest impact on my personal growth, so I thought I would write something to encourage anyone who might benefit from reading it.
To put things in context, I’ve always known that my parents were “special”... and not the “feel good special” kind. They never did any of the bad stuff normally associated with childhood trauma. No sexual abuse, no physical abuse....maybe a bit of verbal abuse here and there, but nothing major. There was always food on the table. I was sent to good public schools. I was allowed to do basically whatever I wanted. Mom took me to the museum, and to piano lessons. Dad was definitely not very present but we managed to go on holidays all together a few times. It was not perfect, but I know my parents did their best raising us. But still...
Something always seemed off, something that I knew was making me feel bad, and I have never quite been able to pinpoint it until I read this book. It always felt like my parents didn’t care about me or my brother. They were physically there and provided for us, but their hearts and minds were elsewhere. From as far as I can remember, hugging or consoling us always made them uneasy. I remember the arguments we had when I was in high school, and how I would always end up rushing to my room, slamming the door, and wondering through tears of rage why nobody would come to me and try to establish some sort of dialogue. Maybe I was too scary? Maybe it was too much to ask?
Immature. Parents.
"I wish we would get along so well" (Source: Pixabay)
Now back to the book. It starts with a question:
“Although we are accustomed to thinking of grown ups as more mature than their children, what if some sensitive children come into the world and within a few years are more emotionally mature than their parents {...} What happens when these immature parents lack the emotional responsiveness necessary to meet their children’s emotional needs? “
Finally someone had put words on a question I had been struggling with for basically my whole life. Reading this first page already made me feel a little better by acknowledging that feeling I had of somehow being a parent to my parents. I’ve always dealt with huge amounts of guilt for even trying to come up with a theory about what was wrong with my family. Let’s face it; thinking you are “over” your parents is not exactly allowed or well perceived in any society. I used to tell myself that I was too sensitive, too fussy, unreasonable, that my expectations of a happy family were unrealistic, etc. And used to feel immensely guilty about it.” How can you think that way?! These people are your parents! Don’t you have any respect for them?!”
Unfortunately I think a lot of people in similar situations suffer in silence because it is still taboo to acknowledge the fact that many parents, even if they do their best, just can’t provide for all their children’s emotional needs, and that is may be the cause of great distress for the children. I believe we collectively don’t want to face it because recognizing parent's immaturity as a cause of suffering for their child would awake feelings of guilt and failure for a lot of adults who would have to deal with their shortcomings. But in ignoring the issue we’re really just transposing the guilt and crap to the following generation.
The book gives a lot of examples of situations and explains the characteristics and signs of immaturity in the parents, and details the various coping mechanisms that children develop in response. It also gives keys to break out of these mechanisms and develop a healthier relationship with the parents when it is possible.
After reading this book , I still feel like I have heaps of negative feelings to sort, and erroneous thought processes to correct, but at least I know that I am not alone in this situation and that I should not feel guilty about it. I don’t have to get along with my parents just because they are my parents. I respect them, but I don’t have to fit in the role they want me to play. I don’t have to call them if I don’t feel like it. They will probably not change for me, because they probably don’t see why they would have to change in the first place. And that is ok. It’s just the way things are. I am grateful for the insights and -ironically- maturity this experience has given me, and I am thankful for this wonderful book that has helped me understand my family dynamics better.