Last Tuesday I've started this personal series of posts and I tend to write them weekly, on Tuesdays. So...
Warning - this will be one the most personal posts written by me so far. The time when I believed in filters in literal and metaphorical sense is long gone. I believe that being honest - to yourself - and then to others is the only proper way to go.
So what are we talking about today?
Anxiety is a feeling of uneasiness and worry, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing. It is often accompanied by muscular tension, restlessness, fatigue and problems in concentration - says Wiki. I could add much more. It is a feeling of not being able to control your life or certain situations or scenarios that might happen to you or your loved ones.
For me, it all started this summer with my grandma's stroke. Logically, I was shocked because it all happened literally overnight - one day we were laughing and joking and she was driving (yes, you've read well - she had her own car and drove to my place at least once a week at her age of 85!) to church and the other day I found her helpless laying on the floor for hours. Doctors, hospitals, rehab clinics, struggling day after day and every day was our little victory. But it didn't go away. She survived, but she stayed paralised, immovable and dependable and needs 24/7care. I am the one taking care of her - although she's not living with me - but I handle nurses who live with her, her finances, health care...and everything necessary. But I didn't want to talk about managing that in operative way - that is what I'm really good at, I wanted to share an emotional struggle and how it afected me. She was my last shelter and biggest support for 35 years... And NOW we're playing this (for me) very hard game of changing roles.
You are never ready for anxiety
You're not ready for most things in your life. Admit it or not, we all love our comfort zone and routine, but in the meentime - life happens. I was devastated in the beggining, but I had so many tasks to do. I think that kept me alive. Papers, administrations, getting her to rehab (mission impossible if you don't know the right people - gonna write a post about corruption in my country soon, as well) etc. Afterwards, I had to adapt her apartment, make a new, invalid bathroom, find a woman (three of them, because they work monthly and then they have free month)... However, I was better then beacuse I had a feeling I can DO something, I can save her... The truth is - and the hardest part is to realise and admit that to yourself - you can not save anybody. You don't have that power. You're not God.
Acceptance
This is the hardest part for me. Watching situation from aside and not being able to change it. She didn't recover, she has better and worse days, sometimes she can't remember what happened 5 minutes ago, sometimes she loses her memory... My symptoms started with trouble with sleep, lack of concentration, elevated pulse, sweating... They say anxiety is a natural reaction to those very real stresses.
Getting help and admitting you're not well
I visited a doctor and did some tests. My hormonal balance was not right as level of cortisol - the stress hormon - was really high. I had to start taking some beta-blockers to start function on a daily bases. And some sleeping pills, as well. It is still hard, but I do day-by-day routine. And just trying to breathe. Deep breaths.
There are many techniques to help you ease anxiety symptoms. I have implemented some of them, still trying to find time and strenght to implement others as well - go to bed early enough, start with physical activity, practice meditation. To be able to help others - your loved ones - you must help yourself first. That is an important lesson I've learned the hard way. And I'm still learning. Every day is another challenge for me.
There is this beautiful quote of unknown author - maybe the right way to finish this confession - Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
And a little song from Canadian poet Rupi Kaur - she wrote wonderful book of poetry and prose called Milk and honey...
Take it easy
xoxo,
M.