I often visit this dimension with frustration and anger.
Why did I come back here again? There was a rhythm and now I'm off beat, and confused on how to get back on track. Now I'm beating myself up shamelessly and pressuring myself to innovate my next thing. And the thing never gets finished.
The journal grows chaotically, between ideas, emotions, game design, drawing, learning, and it's overwhelming to read over.
The sensations come back as the words I chose trigger the emotions that I felt writing them. The fear, anger, anxiety, frustration, excitement, and happiness all come to life while reading my work. The only thing is, I am now the passenger to my own creation.
There's less to react and feel to while I'm the passenger.
I am more relaxed and able to process what my words really mean. Where my intentions are, and most importantly, how well my heart and mind are getting along.
Walk away from your situation after you've documented it somewhere you can access later.
Walk away, sleep away, distract yourself from this urge to push yourself to limits that really only lead to burnout and obsession.
My unsettling black hole took me for a trip yesterday.
I wanted to write about how to parent oneself. And to access my truest inner child, I had to deal with the shameful, guilty, and victimizing little boy I am inside. I wrote for an hour, tearing myself apart and feeling like I'm the shittiest thing alive.
The parent I want to be is the one that always comes back.
The parent that is also learning, and writing down my mistakes and improving how to discipline myself to be worthy of love. I want to raise my inner child with patience and be a good example of open heartedness and genuine kindness.
My wife came out and sat to talk to me about my lack of sleep.
How I was staying up too late and not taking care of myself. I told her that I didn't know what I wanted in life. That there was too much to pursue, and I don't know how to be satisfied. I felt so exhausted. I didn't know what path I needed to be on. She calmed my senses by telling me:
Be present with your family. We're in this together and tomorrow we're going to the beach. You've been so far from us in your mind lately, and I wish you'd come back.
So I slept and today I realized how much she was right.
I was focussing on the future until it send me into a negative feedback loop that makes frequent stops in my nightmare.
We spent time with our lovely neighbor and his family at the beach.
We spoke our language we created with English, Thai, and Bahasa Indonesia. We had delicious food made by his wife. Our kids really enjoyed the beautiful beach while we listened to the damned ice cream cart melody for hours because dudes gotta make money with his chill.
I came home and realized what a wonderful life this is.
We had Nasi Padang for dinner and then before bed time we had a family conversation with the little one about how her day went. She was able to speak more about her feelings now that this has become a regular practice. Today went really well.
The art of walking away is how you become unstuck.
In the heat of the moment, sometimes we are not thinking with clarity. Our heart is trying to move forward in the quicksand that spreads all over in our mind. As we sink into the abyss of our blank piece of paper, the time is now when we must decide to get up and get experience.
Be present with what you currently have.
Use your available tools to engage in an adventure. Be courageous and have conversations with people with ears that send sound vibrations straight to the heart and a mind that receives from the heart to inspire a response that comes from the soul.
Thank you for being here with me today :)
