Letting people go and leave your life is by far one of the most difficult things you will stumble upon at some stage of your life. You don’t feel broken , you feel SHATTERED. Like there’s a piece missing in the puzzle.You feel like you can’t continue living your life and you can’t actually find yourself.
I think most of us experienced a break up - doesn’t matter if it’s a romantic one or friendship. As we’re only human we tend to stay attached to someone just because we shared some type of connection that made our relationship special at some point in our lives.And the worst thing we do is that we start letting that person become a part of us and how we see ourselves. We stop seeing ourselves as individuals but as half of someone else’s life.And the reason for that is that in every relationship , one person cares a little bit more about the other.Hate to break it to you but thats life. And don’t lie , every singe one of you were standing on both ends in a relationship (if you had more than one). So after you all remembered the feeling of being betrayed and heartbroken, I’m here to cheer everyone up! There is a cure ! And YES , TIME HEALS EVEN THE DEEPEST OF WOUNDS , and you’ll need time , definitely. But you can help yourself even further by learning a little bit of tricks , tips and understanding how the brain works in those situations. So keep reading and take notes if necessary.
So the first thing that we’re going to start with is the feeling of absence .
Why do you feel empty? You feel that way because that person made some impact on your life for better or worse. The lesson you’ll need to learn here is that every person who walks in your life can be a lesson or a gift but I’ll make a little change on that saying because it can be BOTH. There’s always good in the bad and bad in good if this makes any sense. So don’t blame yourself and don’t blame the other person , because you both carry your fair share of faults , flaws and mistakes. Instead thinking about what you or the person made wrong , think of it this way- you’re grateful that this person took part in you life , and shared with you good and bad moments/experiences. AND NO, I’m not going to say everything comes down to forgiveness, I don’t believe in that and I’m not that good , graceful and kind to always forgive.
STOP THINKING you’re a piece of a puzzle and you have to find your other half!You are the puzzle , YOU ARE YOU. You have your own identity, you are a whole person. Think about how you lived your life before this person came across it.You lived as an individual,
On to the next – DON‘T stalk the other person who was in the relationship on any social media , just to check if they’re moving on. NO! You don’t need this in your life , instead of waiting for the person to move on , start healing yourself. Find that strength no matter how tempting it may seem .
What’s there for you to see the other person moving on with his life and comparing him to your current situation? Nothing good , it will provoke anger , jealousy , envy and so much negativity in your life that you don’t need.
If that’s not the case , and the other person is the one stalking and still trying to get into your business , simply make it clear that you don’t need him. And as we all know one of those people who don’t understand that “no” is NO and the person is still trying to be involved in your life , start ignoring him, have the dignity and self-respect and self-value to not put yourself again in such a toxic situation.
Letting go really comes to knowing your value and having self-respect. Not everyone you loose will be a loss , it may seem so in the beginning but maybe you’ll look in to it and find out that it may have been a blessing.
I’m sure you know someone who is in a toxic/abusive (it doesn’t mean only physical abusement ) and they don’t have the strength to get out of it , and with time it only gets worse , so think about it and don’t let yourself be that person.
So to start healing there’s a little bit of learning of how human brains work and learn and change up things in you life. I’m not going to throw a physiology book in your face with my affiliate link and let you figure it out yourself. I’ll be breaking it down , making sure you could understand every step of the process.
Have you heard of Associative Learning? Does the Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov ring a bell? (Comment if you can spot the joke :D (bad joke but still , hilarious :D ))
If yes , great , but if you haven’t - don’t worry , I’ll explain and I’ll link some videos if you’re further interested.
Associative Learning is when your brain connects the image to the smell or the taste or even bring up an emotion . So if you think about freshly cooked cinnamon buns , your brain will trigger the producing of saliva or you could be remembering the taste or it can get you overwhelmed and exited. It really depends on your experience with the thing. And if you’re wondering how that has anything to do with you and your breakup – it has it’s impact.
What’s the feeling when you see you’re ex calling or texting? Have you wondered why you get exited when your phone rings and when you see it’s not the person you want to call you feel disappointed ?
Well the name/ringtone/text tone on your phone has the same impact on you as the bell/light for the dogs in Pavlov’s experiment.
Your brain associates the name/ringtone/text tone of your ex with certain emotions . But don’t worry , the brain is complex and cool so this could be reversed , just by picking a new tone and changing the name in your phone. Will it have a great power? YES, it gives you the opportunity to feel powerful again and in control of your life.
if you’re interested in knowing a little bit more.
Stop overthinking and talking about the break-up. Vent it out on you’re closest friends , say everything that’s on your mind be around people who support you , and are willing to really listen and understand how you feel. Talk it out and then just stop! The reason behind is , that when you’re sharing you’ll start giving answers to yourself and star realizing what happened and it’s a good thing to do , but don’t be one of those people that start repeating themselves over and over and don’t get to the conclusion of what’s happening – 1st no matter how close and supporting you friends are , doing that will only make them feel annoyed , because it’s draining to hear something over and over and over and even if you’re trying to help you see the person in front you is not willing to help himself. Secondly , the line between self-pity and venting out tends to be really thin and you wouldn’t be able to tell that you crossed it. And lastly don’t give the person so much attention and don’t let him be time-consuming even when he’s not around.
You’ll need a piece of paper and a pen. Sit down , take a deep breath and what I’ll need you to do is draw a line , that you have two columns . Head the left one “ Like” and the other one ”Dislike”.
I think you could already get where this is going , so write the things you like in this person as an individual. You CAN’T write physical characteristics like “His smile” , “His eyes” ,”The way he makes me fell” and etc.
RIGHT Example:
Like: Family-oriented , Caring ….
Dislike: Tends to be aggressive , Potty mouth , Envious …
It could be hard but take your time and to this, try being realistic as much as possible.
(Spoiler alert- The dislike column tends to win on this one)
Turn the sheet around and I want you to bring out your worst memories with this person.Write them down in detail. Example: “We were at …. And he said to me …. Looking at me …. Type of way..… and that really made me feel like….”
DETAIL is key!
Why would I make you do this ? First - writing down has a great impact on you and that’s because when you’re writing by hand ,you stop to think and choose the most relevant and right words you’re looking for , because you brain as a human doesn’t like mess and chaos. You want to write it perfectly , correctly and you know you can’t erase.
Secondly, writing has a calming effect on most people (when you do it willingly and you’re not rushed by deadlines – I’m a student I know :D ) it’s really therapeutic and as I already said , you’re stimulating the brain to analyze the situation and finding the right “label”.
At last but not least, I already told you about the Pavlov’s experiment and a glace in how it all works , the same applies here. Your brain is constantly learning and experiencing things , by writing down these things you’re going to see this person in an other “light”.
The dislike column will make it a impact on how you see this person . He might not be “the one” for you anymore. And you realize that when your brain does and writing it that way makes it easy and clear for the brain.
I know there will be times when you start thinking of this person , and try to convince yourself that “Maybe you were wrong” ,”Maybe he’s not that bad” , “Maybe we could be back together” , that’s why you need the worst experience reminder. Every time that you catch yourself getting in that mental stage , you’ll take this paper , read and remember all those times he made you feel sad, disappointed , unwanted or however he made you feel and rethink the option of getting back together.Are you really wanting to feel this way again? Do you want to be treated that way? Were you happy in those moments?
My blind guess is that the answer will be “No”. And that’s because you started reversing the association of this person with all the good moments that you have. You start to think rationally and see clearly. THIS will NOT make you hate the person. Hate ,anger and jealousy are normal stages of a breakup . Don’t confuse them with healing yourself.
And one of the last stages that you need to understand is that you need to keep yourself busy . GO out , alone even. Start meeting people enjoy yourself , I’m NOT saying rush into dating or finding someone new (it’s better to give it time) . Once you start healing you’ll start realizing things for yourself. There will be a boost of self-confidence and the feeling that you are in control of your life.
To overcome a fall off or a break up takes time. Takes understanding realization and you have to do it for yourself , you owe yourself that. Don’t jus go there post some pic on social media with someone so he/she ‘ll contact you out of jealousy and curiosity . No , you need to realize why you’re not compatible , that this person is a lesson , and the lesson is learned.
Side note: At the end of the day , healing is a process of self-understanding. You’ll find some qualities you never new you have. You will learn self-worth , confidence , respect and power , and those are things that we all find attractive in a person. So there’s a great chance this person will come crawling back to you. Scratch that , I GUARANTEE YOU this person will come back eventually , and it’ll be your choice to take him back or not.
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