Self harm
Names have been changed to protect their identities
Warning : this interview has explicit events that may bother some, read at your own risk
Depression can cause people to act out in different ways, it doesn't always make sense to others on the outside. A lot of coping mechanisms used are simply a band aid, they help you temporarily feel in control but they don't help in the long run. You never know what people are going through in their lives, let this be a cautionary tale.
When did you start self harming?
I first started around 13/15 I think. It's happened in bouts or phases rather than a continuous process.
What thoughts were going through your mind when you did it?
I needed an outlet for all the pent up emotions going on at the time. Usually frustration with myself, anger, fear, sadness.
I started finding ways to have "accidents" at work when I was getting too stressed. It was almost like having a reset switch.
Why did you have so much pent up emotion? What was going on in your life back then?
I had a pretty shitty home life. My mum went to great efforts to let me know I was worthless, I would never achieve anything, or if I was being particularly terrible I'd end up with a black eye or bruised ribs etc.
Around 13 or 14 I was sexually abused. My friends at the time told me I had to be nice to him so they could get their ride home. Or that I was drunk so what did I know. Or even that I had to apologise for hitting him because it hurt his feelings.
Ha! Hadn't remembered all that in a while.
So, each time it happened or I felt the need to self harm, I was usually feeling like something was wrong with me, I was subhuman for not being able to cope with everything "normal" people could.
I never had a clear cut view or thought saying this. But I knew that the cuts and burns would make me feel better.
Was there anything that you looked forward to?
I think it's around then I started doing drugs tbh. I looked forward to the weekends where we'd lie to our parents and end up dying in a field from alcohol poisoning, so the meme goes lol. Or I'd end up off my face with a load of randomers and making new friends.
Did anything positive happen in your life that gave you hope for the future?
I aced my exams, I excelled in English and discovered I was actually a pretty good artist. Around 17 I actually started to develop self confidence which helped. I had plans to go to college and.. well.. I think I got as far as go to college. But still...
Did having a creative outlet help you?
Absolutely. I poured all my pain onto canvas, scraps of paper, into modelling clay while blasting my music out. I found solace in A perfect Circle and paint.
Did you stop self harming at that point?
I think I did. I vaguely remember around that time being really happy, and actually excited by everything new. My mum and I actually got on at that point. Although that may be because I wasn't home much.
Do you have any advice for self harmers?
at the risk of sounding cliche, I wish someone had said "You are perfectly normal! There is nothing wrong with you as a person. You can get through this."
I also highly recommend CBT therapy, if you aren't willing to dredge up why you are self harming, it can definitely still help toward preventing it.
Also, to find another outlet for your feelings. Playing an instrument, poetry, art, sports, something you can channel yourself into and focus on.
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