Depression + family abuse
No family is perfect, even if they do seem like it on the outside it might not be the case. Moe's story is unfortunately not uncommon and mostly looked over. It's easier to believe a smiling mother over shy children.
How big was your family growing up?
It was my mother and father, and ten siblings
What kind of relationship did you have with your parents/siblings?
My relationship with my parents, especially my mother, has always been strained. Growing up, my siblings and I all tended to fight, but we were still looking out for each other, and now that most of us are grown, we're all close.
In what way was it strained?
My mother was always pretty abusive, mentally and physically. Being the seventh in my family, I'm not sure if that's how it started when they first had kids, but that's how it was by the time I came along. We were all targets, and we constantly walked on eggshells striving to do exactly what she wanted. One step out of line would be a beating or some other punishment. She didn't really seem to care about us past providing us with what "good parents" were supposed to provide (i.e. clothes, food, schooling, a house). Even now, there's this attitude that because she provides for us, that's what counts. Her children are treated as her property, and we all, according to her, owe her a great deal.
My father was never abusive, but he worked all the time, and he's a very passive man. He never did anything about it, and because my mother was prone to crying and twisting the situation so that we were the bad guys, he never really believed the full extent of what we said went on. So we stopped saying it.
How was your stress level as a child?
Through the roof. I was terrified that one thing would be out of place, because my mother would snap. If one dish was left in the sink, it would somehow turn into "the whole house is a pigsty". I was always anxious, and still am.
How did it affect your education and social life?
Both were pretty difficult. One of the expectations was to consistently get straight A's. I went to Catholic school throughout my life, so the grade scales tend to be more difficult there (i.e. a 94 is the lowest grade for an A instead of the typical 90). I was never a great student. I love learning, but I have no patience for testing. So I was often in trouble for failing to be on Honor Roll. In terms of a social life, it was almost non-existent. I was in extracurriculars like band and musical, so I had plenty of friends, but I rarely asked if I could go places with them otherwise, because it irritated my mother. She was controlling, and she'd have to know every single aspect about who we went out with and where we were going, and then heaven forbid she had to drive us, because she just did not want to do that. Plus, if we weren't home, we couldn't be at her beck and call, and inevitably something would go wrong while we were away. So I stopped going out. My friends understood, though, they'd unfortunately witnessed how my mother could be.
At what age did you move out?
Actually I'm still here, unfortunately. I attended college across the street and never had the chance to live in a dorm room. Now, at age 23, I will be moving in two weeks.
Is your relationship with your parents any better?
Not really. My mother is no longer physically abusive, although she remains to be emotionally abusive and incredibly manipulative. She also refuses to acknowledge anything she's ever done to her children. She's willfully ignored her children and their other hardships, things like, for me personally, depression and abuse from other people, and has the audacity to still believe that we are the self-absorbed ones.
My father is not quite as bad, but still, he doesn't listen either.
I spend a lot of time pretending that our relationships are better than they actually are, but it's safe to say that once I move out, I will not be returning except to visit the two younger siblings that still live at the house.
Did your abuse from your mother made it easier to notice the abuse you were receiving from your partner or did you find it normalized it?
I found that it normalized it. Or, if not normalized it, made it seem less awful than it was. Because I'd already had my mother do similar things to me, it made it easier to just accept my partner calling me the same names, giving me the same bruises. And because my parents ignored it, there was no one telling me 'this isn't normal'.
Like, I never believed that abuse of any kind was normal, I knew that my friends' parents didn't do this to them, but having my mother do it to me made it easier to not fight my partner, because I just didn't have any fight. If that makes sense. I was already accustomed to it.
Do you see a therapist?
Not currently, although once I'm moved and settled into my new place and see how my budget is affected, I hope to have money for it again. I did go all throughout college, as it was free and I could go without my parents' knowledge.
Did it help?
Yes. I'd spent so much time bottling an entire childhood's worth of issues, and my therapist helped me walk through all of it. I could finally figure out how it affected me and what I could do to help myself.
Do you have any advice for people going through similar situations?
Definitely try to find your way out of it. Whether it's a parent or a sibling, a partner or a friend, no one ever has the right to abuse you. Physically, emotionally, sexually, I've been through it all and I know exactly what it's like to feel like you deserve it, because I know that your abuser will make you feel like you do. But you never do. If you really can't talk to anyone you know, go online and search for something. These days there are sites to help you, and apps, one that will even hide your tracks if your abuser looks through your browser history. Get help, somehow. Otherwise, you may find yourself in a chokehold being asked if you want them to kill you. They might actually do it. These things only ever escalate, and too often they end in tragedy. Even if you feel like no one is there to listen, there are people, strangers, who would do anything to see you safe. Getting out of it is the only way that you can start to take steps towards loving yourself again and realizing your self-worth.
Because you are worth something no matter what the hell these people say.
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