I work a lot, between my full time job at the shop, my small business and I'm starting to treat steemit as a job as well now. I don't really take time for myself to relax, and when I do I feel guilty because I feel like I should be doing something more productive. (Which is why I love steemit so much, productivity on the go!) I feel better if I have something to focus on.
Feeling exhausted is better than feeling depressed, right?
I would much rather work on inventory or answer the phone than (and then? Hahaha!) contemplate on the futility of my own existence. Which is something I still end up doing if I need to do a repetitive task. However, working towards something does make me feel more useful to society which calms my existential crisis.
Having goals help me deal with my depression as well, they make me feel good about me. Yes, life is ephemeral but leaving some kind of legacy doesn't make me feel like my short time in this world is wasted. That's actually one of my biggest fears.
Being the black sheep didn't help
I'm an only child, and my grandparents only grandchild. I am also the only girl in my dad's family as my grandparents only had sons. My expectations were ridiculous. I dealt with so much pressure in school, and didn't get fantastic grades. I felt like I was failing before I had even started anything. Working towards something is the only redemption I have. My mother, my grandparents would always talk about their friends children that led successful lives immediately after school. I struggled a lot, I had no direction and only found semblance of one recently.
Now that I think about it, maybe my exhaustion is feeding my depression
I don't think anyone is as hard on me as I am to myself. My family will probably never be proud of me (save my dad, he'd always been so supportive). Being selfish and going forward against my family's doctor lawyer daughter fantasy has been such a relief on my mental health. I still yearn for their approval, even though I'll never get it. One can hope though.
